The To-Do-List

The past few days have been so well what I would call my normal. Where I have to try and motivate myself to get normal mundane tasks done. I made my list of things to get done and really had to force myself to do things.

Some days are obviously better than others, but the past four days have just been plain rough. It is me recovering I think and finally getting back on my meds, now that my insurance is back to normal. It is amazing how such simple things can be so hard. Like I am horrible at taking out my garbage. I need to be more vigilant about how I am eating, so I forced myself to go shopping and get some food, but even that was still rough.

Then we think about laundry and cleaning. I moved into a 400 sq. foot apartment, and you would think I live in a huge house the way I feel cleaning this place is. 

Having all of these medical conditions is just miserable and not knowing when they are going to hit you is the worst! Between trying to get my sleep  together and my fibromyalgia somewhat under control, amongst other things this is just one hell of an experiment called my life at this point. Being that my social life is basically called the doctors, I just keep trying to figure out how to get through day by day.

You have the pain, the exhaustion (all the issues exhaustion brings), weakness, and a million other issues.

One Week Away

So my doctor's clearance have been given and my surgery is a go for next week.

What is not a go for next week:

• How I am getting to DC
• My sanity/mental health
• My body

I am going to try and get in the gym as much as possible this week, however I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill today and well my body hates me. I decided I have one week left of walking so I figured I would jog for a minute... I am sure I looked ridiculous, felt ridiculous and I will completely pay for that decision later.

Sometimes I really wonder how I get through my daily life, the past two weeks have really been hard now that season is over and this is what I have to focus on I think it is digging at me even more. 

You know you think being a grown up when you are a kid is going to be awesome... I hate to tell my 10 year old self this... however being an adult SUCKS! Maybe I would have told myself not to play sports (probably not), not to push myself (probably not either), not to be a perfectionist (I don't think I had any say in that), and ultimately I think I would just said have more fun and be a dam kid!

Of course it is so hard to really know what you would really do, but I guess it could be fun to think. Heck even when I was 22, I would have never thought my life would end up where it is now. I wanted to be fearless, but I will tell you what stops that quickly, A LIFE CHANGING EVENT that makes you scared, in pain and miserable all the time. 

My fearless I can take on the world, or at least a huge wrestling tournament can still come out and play, but I am just not the same me. I am much more reserved, I can't do what I use to, I have to admit that I am able to be taken down, which lands me in the training room getting treatment or barely moving.

I feel like my stance on everything has changed so much since August 2011, which partially makes me hate myself, because I am not myself. The truth is I don't know if I ever will be myself again. I hope to, I will strive to, but I really don't know if I will ever be there again.

What I feel now is just plain broken. In no other words, broken. I don't think I have ever cried this much in my entire life. I guess we can count a little progress I can talk about some of my treatments without crying like a baby, sometimes.