One Week Away

So my doctor's clearance have been given and my surgery is a go for next week.

What is not a go for next week:

• How I am getting to DC
• My sanity/mental health
• My body

I am going to try and get in the gym as much as possible this week, however I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill today and well my body hates me. I decided I have one week left of walking so I figured I would jog for a minute... I am sure I looked ridiculous, felt ridiculous and I will completely pay for that decision later.

Sometimes I really wonder how I get through my daily life, the past two weeks have really been hard now that season is over and this is what I have to focus on I think it is digging at me even more. 

You know you think being a grown up when you are a kid is going to be awesome... I hate to tell my 10 year old self this... however being an adult SUCKS! Maybe I would have told myself not to play sports (probably not), not to push myself (probably not either), not to be a perfectionist (I don't think I had any say in that), and ultimately I think I would just said have more fun and be a dam kid!

Of course it is so hard to really know what you would really do, but I guess it could be fun to think. Heck even when I was 22, I would have never thought my life would end up where it is now. I wanted to be fearless, but I will tell you what stops that quickly, A LIFE CHANGING EVENT that makes you scared, in pain and miserable all the time. 

My fearless I can take on the world, or at least a huge wrestling tournament can still come out and play, but I am just not the same me. I am much more reserved, I can't do what I use to, I have to admit that I am able to be taken down, which lands me in the training room getting treatment or barely moving.

I feel like my stance on everything has changed so much since August 2011, which partially makes me hate myself, because I am not myself. The truth is I don't know if I ever will be myself again. I hope to, I will strive to, but I really don't know if I will ever be there again.

What I feel now is just plain broken. In no other words, broken. I don't think I have ever cried this much in my entire life. I guess we can count a little progress I can talk about some of my treatments without crying like a baby, sometimes. 

Tentative Surgery Date...

I went to DC to see the nerve specialist on Friday, I knew that I was going down to get a consultation for surgery, but the whole thing ht me a lot harder than I anticipated.

I have never in my life had two surgeries in one year, these are placed six months apart. So I am getting ready to figure out how to transplant my life for a little bit. I have to take two weeks off of work, which I don't have to take off due to all of the medical issues this year.

So the surgeon is talking about a 2 1/2 hour surgery that will be removing/displacing three of my nerves in my pelvis, this will take away the pain once I am healed, but will involve quite a bit of pain during recovery. These are sensory nerves so they can be taken out without effecting movement in my leg.

The doctor is unsure if I will need another surgery at this point to hep with other nerves but it is possible.

So I will be staying down in DC for about a week once I have the surgery incase I have any complications. Either way this is not exactly what I thought I would be, all I can do is hope that it allows me to lead a more normal life than I currently am.

I had a good bit of an anxiety attack after leaving the doctors and on the drive home last night. Today hasn't been much better, but I am just trying to make it.

So as of right now September 18th is the date.

My one year anniversary

Wow, that sure feels like a sad thing to say. I have extremely mixed feelings on saying it is my one year anniversary of feeling miserable this month. My symptoms started in early August 2011 and just continued to get worse as the days went on. (Let me just explain to anyone this is not how you want to live your life or spend the rest of your summer).

So it makes me reflect back on the past year which has been quite the roller coaster of a journey:

• I have been to so many doctors and doctors appointments I lost count.
• The amount of money I have spent going to the doctors and on medications literally makes me sick.
• When my pain gets to a certain level that also makes me sick.
• I have had one diagnostic surgery which just put me in more pain, which happened in March. The good thing, I know my reproductive system is good.
• I also cannot remember the actual list of medications that I am on, thank God for a good Pharmacists. 
• I have had to do some travel and labor intensive work, that is the nature of my job. I cannot fathom how truly strong my body is some days to make it through these events. It is almost scary to realize the level of pain that I am in that my body somehow functions with. 
• There has been a lot of reflecting on my part, about who I am and what I want. Also the people that I can truly call friends and who were there for me when I needed it.  It is so hard being out on your own and not having a significant other. I am very blessed to have some good friends who have been there for me. I wish some days my family and best friend were not so far away, but sometimes life just takes you different directions.
• This should not come as a shock to those who have known me for a long time but I have a very hard time opening up about my feelings. It took me months to start telling people I was having problems. After my diagnosis in April, I couldn't talk about it without crying like a baby... I am finally getting better about that. Although I find it interesting some people I seem to have no issue saying what my issue is to and others I do. 
• I have shed more tears this year than I can ever remember. My hormones hate me, my body hates me and well the medicine is a whole other story.
• The medications that I can't keep straight I have to keep in an a.m./p.m. pill case. Definitely not where I thought I would be when I hit 30 years old.
• I thank God for finding the right doctor who is working to get me better along with his team.
• I think I am finally turning a corner where I can fathom the thought of allowing a person close to me, physically and mentally. Eventually I will get there and maybe someday I will meet the right guy, but for now I am still just trying to focus on getting better.

I can only imagine now that there are other women out there going through these problems and have no idea where to turn, I guess all I can say to that is don't give up.

One doctor early on in this journey, looked at me and said what do you think is wrong with your body? I told him my thoughts and he said you seem to know your body pretty well and I would say what you think is right, because you do not belong in my office. So if nothing else I have found some doctors that seem to listen pretty well.

This is not really an anniversary to celebrate, because well just like how I feel right now it is painful, but I am going to keep pushing through until I get to where I need to be. Right now I am where I need to be and getting my proper treatment. Tomorrow brings another appointment with a nerve specialist, which should set me up for a surgical procedure, hopefully sooner than later and put me on the path to wellness.

Another photo I found that sums up many of my thoughts, not sure of it's origin but it was floating around on Facebook and I find the words to be so very true. 

Sometimes a photo says 1000 words

I ran across this last week on Facebook (not sure the original source) and I feel like it truly sums up how I feel the majority of the time.

Sometimes as strong as you try to be, you need someone to be there for you.... even when you tell them no.

I will say when all of this first got started with my I withdrew from a lot of things especially socially. I was in no romantic relationship, but my friendships have suffered greatly. I do however know who my true friends are after all of this.

So just remember if you are reading this, you are not alone there are people who are there for you, you just need to open your eyes and realize who they are.