ALL YOU DO IS GO TO THE DOCTORS!
You know I have gotten use to the whole weekly or bi-weekly treatments I was getting. Right now those days are long gone until this infection takes a hike up the river.
I went to the infectious disease doctor today and they took some samples and decided that I am still staying on IV antibiotics for another 7-10 days along with the other antibiotics that I am on.
Right now I am so sick of medicine. I fall asleep for no reason during the day, everything hurts and makes everything else worse.
I feel like I really do live in a hole, one that I can't crawl out of. I want to cry all of the time, because everything is so dam overwhelming.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I have no social life and all of my friends well I only get to see them if I am visiting for doctors appointments. I am not fully sure the last time I really went out and had a good time. I am worried about not being able to go to a very close friends wedding in a few weeks, because I cannot fly to get there. I want an escape from what has turned into my reality.
These past two years have been a literal hell for me. I know that at some point I will catch a break, and they always say you hit your break when you are at your all time low. Well I am at that all time low and I am reaching as far as I can to get out.
Now there are a few things that make me different where people can see something is wrong on the outside: the pain in my face, my walking cane for balance and the PICC line in my right arm.
Disability takes on many forms and this is mine: chronic severe pelvic pain coupled with a horrible infection in my left leg right now. Along with numerous other things including very severe depression.
Showing posts with label Living life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Living life. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
One Week Away
So my doctor's clearance have been given and my surgery is a go for next week.
What is not a go for next week:
What is not a go for next week:
- How I am getting to DC
- My sanity/mental health
- My body
I am going to try and get in the gym as much as possible this week, however I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill today and well my body hates me. I decided I have one week left of walking so I figured I would jog for a minute... I am sure I looked ridiculous, felt ridiculous and I will completely pay for that decision later.
Sometimes I really wonder how I get through my daily life, the past two weeks have really been hard now that season is over and this is what I have to focus on I think it is digging at me even more.
You know you think being a grown up when you are a kid is going to be awesome... I hate to tell my 10 year old self this... however being an adult SUCKS! Maybe I would have told myself not to play sports (probably not), not to push myself (probably not either), not to be a perfectionist (I don't think I had any say in that), and ultimately I think I would just said have more fun and be a dam kid!
Of course it is so hard to really know what you would really do, but I guess it could be fun to think. Heck even when I was 22, I would have never thought my life would end up where it is now. I wanted to be fearless, but I will tell you what stops that quickly, A LIFE CHANGING EVENT that makes you scared, in pain and miserable all the time.
My fearless I can take on the world, or at least a huge wrestling tournament can still come out and play, but I am just not the same me. I am much more reserved, I can't do what I use to, I have to admit that I am able to be taken down, which lands me in the training room getting treatment or barely moving.
I feel like my stance on everything has changed so much since August 2011, which partially makes me hate myself, because I am not myself. The truth is I don't know if I ever will be myself again. I hope to, I will strive to, but I really don't know if I will ever be there again.
What I feel now is just plain broken. In no other words, broken. I don't think I have ever cried this much in my entire life. I guess we can count a little progress I can talk about some of my treatments without crying like a baby, sometimes.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
What a day, 397 miles traveled, 2 appointments
So yesterday I had two appointments one was in Silver Spring, MD and the other in Bethlehem, PA.
I left my house before 6 am and did not make my appointment in Silver Spring due to horrible traffic on the Beltway. I got there 45 minutes late which they worked me into the schedule since I called and told them I was having issues. I am extremely lucky to have doctors that are so understanding.
So besides being extremely frustrated from traffic, being that I already have all of these crazy problems... it just adds to my severe pain. The surgeon was pleased with my EMG results from last week, because the function of muscles and nerves in my left leg are normal. What is not normal however are the sensory nerves that are in my groin area, where I always have pain. So we discussed what options were out there for a long-term solution to getting myself out of this pain. That lead us to where the doctor was expecting to go which is a nerve decompression.
Of course it is not normal to want to have to get cut open again, but in this case I want to be out of pain so bad that I will take making it worse to get better. That is what happened with my surgery in September so I have a good outlook on this even though it is an extra stress to my life right now in the busiest part of my work year. I have scheduled the surgery for April 9th and will have a long recovery. The good news is that the doctor does want me exercising, I can continue walking on the treadmill and I am to add swimming two times a week as well. He wants me to strengthen my body as much as I can, even though I am not allowed to lift or do anything too strenuous.
I was warned in advance that the surgery will be invasive and it will be painful, I am to expect a lot of pain after and that my physical therapy after will also be difficult.
Then I had the drive to Bethlehem, which was long and miserable. I had the worst case of road rage ever as I was worried I would be late to my appointment, I made it just in time which was good. In the mean time I had an issue with work and I had to find a Starbucks to get the internet. I was just stressed in every way possible.
At my second appointment of the day, I talked with the doctor and we altered some of my medications to try and help in the mean time, which makes me feel kind of foggy today (it probably doesn't help much that I did not sleep well and then hit the gym at 5 am). The doctor feels that he thinks that having this surgery will help calm everything else down as it is so painful right now. So I will continue getting treatments as well in the mean time.
I then talked with my doctor on how hard this is to try and talk to people about, because I just don't feel that people fully understand how miserable this feeling really is. He said that is extremely common from his patients and that it is something hard to explain and for people to understand. He once again told me however that this is something that is more common that we think when it comes to the IC and the issues within the pelvic floor (I have other issues going on as well, see the surgery remarks above).
I wish it was easier to talk about and for people to truly understand the pain that this causes. This will be my 3rd surgery in a year's time.
Right now I need to focus on everything else I have going on and in the mean time just try and make sure I am taking care of myself.
I left my house before 6 am and did not make my appointment in Silver Spring due to horrible traffic on the Beltway. I got there 45 minutes late which they worked me into the schedule since I called and told them I was having issues. I am extremely lucky to have doctors that are so understanding.
So besides being extremely frustrated from traffic, being that I already have all of these crazy problems... it just adds to my severe pain. The surgeon was pleased with my EMG results from last week, because the function of muscles and nerves in my left leg are normal. What is not normal however are the sensory nerves that are in my groin area, where I always have pain. So we discussed what options were out there for a long-term solution to getting myself out of this pain. That lead us to where the doctor was expecting to go which is a nerve decompression.
Of course it is not normal to want to have to get cut open again, but in this case I want to be out of pain so bad that I will take making it worse to get better. That is what happened with my surgery in September so I have a good outlook on this even though it is an extra stress to my life right now in the busiest part of my work year. I have scheduled the surgery for April 9th and will have a long recovery. The good news is that the doctor does want me exercising, I can continue walking on the treadmill and I am to add swimming two times a week as well. He wants me to strengthen my body as much as I can, even though I am not allowed to lift or do anything too strenuous.
I was warned in advance that the surgery will be invasive and it will be painful, I am to expect a lot of pain after and that my physical therapy after will also be difficult.
Then I had the drive to Bethlehem, which was long and miserable. I had the worst case of road rage ever as I was worried I would be late to my appointment, I made it just in time which was good. In the mean time I had an issue with work and I had to find a Starbucks to get the internet. I was just stressed in every way possible.
At my second appointment of the day, I talked with the doctor and we altered some of my medications to try and help in the mean time, which makes me feel kind of foggy today (it probably doesn't help much that I did not sleep well and then hit the gym at 5 am). The doctor feels that he thinks that having this surgery will help calm everything else down as it is so painful right now. So I will continue getting treatments as well in the mean time.
I then talked with my doctor on how hard this is to try and talk to people about, because I just don't feel that people fully understand how miserable this feeling really is. He said that is extremely common from his patients and that it is something hard to explain and for people to understand. He once again told me however that this is something that is more common that we think when it comes to the IC and the issues within the pelvic floor (I have other issues going on as well, see the surgery remarks above).
I wish it was easier to talk about and for people to truly understand the pain that this causes. This will be my 3rd surgery in a year's time.
Right now I need to focus on everything else I have going on and in the mean time just try and make sure I am taking care of myself.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Trying to do a little good
Most of my life I have struggled with my weight. Everyone always comes up with New Years Resolutions to lose weight, work out more, etc.
My biggest goal for this year is to feel better about myself, which is really hard when you really feel miserable all of the time. Now on the good news front I got my doctor to agree to let me use a treadmill to workout right now, as compared to walking in the pool, so that will add up to some calories burned. I need to get back to feeling as good about my body as I can and I think it will help my overall well-being.
So I was thinking to myself that maybe I can try to motivate my younger sister, now I have done this in the past but with little to no success. She will be entering her last year of college come next fall and will then be interviewing for jobs. Well the good news is that she finally wants to take the step to feel better about herself, which is what I have gotten through our conversations.
Due to this I have issued her a challenge, if she can get to 200 lbs by the end of year, this will mean she will be losing a good amount of weight to do so, that I will purchase her a material gift of fairly substantial value. I told her I would go along the lines of a Michael Kors watch so she has something nice when she goes out into the working world.
The good news is that she has accepted this challenge, now we are only in day two, but I told her she has to check in monthly with progress reports. I really hope that she makes this change and makes it for good, because I know how much better it will make her feel and I know this because at one time I was her, but it took me a lot longer to do something about it.
Anyhow time to finish up Friday, it is officially one week to my big event next week. I had a doctors appointment Wednesday, I looked at my belly last night I have some bruising from the injections... go figure. Which just makes the pain a little worse.
My biggest goal for this year is to feel better about myself, which is really hard when you really feel miserable all of the time. Now on the good news front I got my doctor to agree to let me use a treadmill to workout right now, as compared to walking in the pool, so that will add up to some calories burned. I need to get back to feeling as good about my body as I can and I think it will help my overall well-being.
So I was thinking to myself that maybe I can try to motivate my younger sister, now I have done this in the past but with little to no success. She will be entering her last year of college come next fall and will then be interviewing for jobs. Well the good news is that she finally wants to take the step to feel better about herself, which is what I have gotten through our conversations.
Due to this I have issued her a challenge, if she can get to 200 lbs by the end of year, this will mean she will be losing a good amount of weight to do so, that I will purchase her a material gift of fairly substantial value. I told her I would go along the lines of a Michael Kors watch so she has something nice when she goes out into the working world.
The good news is that she has accepted this challenge, now we are only in day two, but I told her she has to check in monthly with progress reports. I really hope that she makes this change and makes it for good, because I know how much better it will make her feel and I know this because at one time I was her, but it took me a lot longer to do something about it.
Anyhow time to finish up Friday, it is officially one week to my big event next week. I had a doctors appointment Wednesday, I looked at my belly last night I have some bruising from the injections... go figure. Which just makes the pain a little worse.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Getting through the day/week
I don't know about you, but sometimes just looking at the calendar makes me anxious.
For instance this week we will start with yesterday:
For instance this week we will start with yesterday:
- Sunday - committee meeting 11:30
- Monday - 8-5ish then run errands
- Tuesday - 5 am PT, drive 2 hours for a 9 am doctors appointment, drive directly back to work. After work stop at home drop off gym bag, grab overnight bag, drive to DC.
- Wednesday - 8:45 am appointment with surgeon to go over my CT results from last week, drive back come directly to work, clean the house
- Thursday - work 8-5ish again then home to clean and bake
- Friday - work 8-5ish then home to set up for my annual Christmas Party
- Saturday - head up to NJ to meet up with friend stay the night to be closer to NYC
- Sunday - The Grapple in the Apple at Madison Square Garden
That is my week in a very tiny nutshell and I wonder why I feel the way I do.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Finally
On Thursday while I was on business in Springfield, Illinois, I received a call from my surgeon that my CT Scan was finally approved by the insurance. I felt so relieved to be able to go in and get this imaging done to my body.
Although at the same time I am scared that they won't see a hernia and that means more nerves have to go. I guess right now I just need to keep a positive attitude towards everything and really try and just continue to take it one day at a time.
What I do know is I feel extremely overwhelmed right now. Maybe it is the holidays, my health, things going on with my family, work... maybe it is everything just snowballing into one big issue that just makes me feel like I have no control and I just want to cry. Depression is really, truly a horrible thing.
I continue to try and do things that make happy, I continue to try and do things to take my mind off of everything. One thing you cannot do... is take your mind off of pain when it will not go away.
Sometimes it just feels like a big hole you can't climb out of.
I do get to go see my doctor on Tuesday for some treatments and I am going to discuss all of this with him. Wednesday morning is my CT Scan. After that I will be making my appointment in DC to see the surgeon again.
All this seems to add to me is more chaos and stress. It is so hard to explain to people, sometimes I just don't even bother. I haven't even told most of my family the real truth to all of this, because I just don't want to face it all.
So for right now I will put my thoughts out here on my blog and hopefully it will clear my mind enough to let me try and sleep tonight.
I did a lot of cookie baking this weekend and I posted a photo to Facebook, my older cousin Chris said it reminded him of my Grandma Tedesco, she loved to bake and loved the holidays. I am not so sure I love the Holidays, but I do love to bake. It made me think back to how much I wish my grandparents would have been around longer. My grandmother died before I was born and my grandfather passed away when I was 5. I am sure they are looking down on us now, but part of me wishes I would have gotten to know this woman that my family says I remind them of so much.
See this is what the Holidays does to you... one day at a time and grin and bear it I guess.
Although at the same time I am scared that they won't see a hernia and that means more nerves have to go. I guess right now I just need to keep a positive attitude towards everything and really try and just continue to take it one day at a time.
What I do know is I feel extremely overwhelmed right now. Maybe it is the holidays, my health, things going on with my family, work... maybe it is everything just snowballing into one big issue that just makes me feel like I have no control and I just want to cry. Depression is really, truly a horrible thing.
I continue to try and do things that make happy, I continue to try and do things to take my mind off of everything. One thing you cannot do... is take your mind off of pain when it will not go away.
Sometimes it just feels like a big hole you can't climb out of.
I do get to go see my doctor on Tuesday for some treatments and I am going to discuss all of this with him. Wednesday morning is my CT Scan. After that I will be making my appointment in DC to see the surgeon again.
All this seems to add to me is more chaos and stress. It is so hard to explain to people, sometimes I just don't even bother. I haven't even told most of my family the real truth to all of this, because I just don't want to face it all.
So for right now I will put my thoughts out here on my blog and hopefully it will clear my mind enough to let me try and sleep tonight.
I did a lot of cookie baking this weekend and I posted a photo to Facebook, my older cousin Chris said it reminded him of my Grandma Tedesco, she loved to bake and loved the holidays. I am not so sure I love the Holidays, but I do love to bake. It made me think back to how much I wish my grandparents would have been around longer. My grandmother died before I was born and my grandfather passed away when I was 5. I am sure they are looking down on us now, but part of me wishes I would have gotten to know this woman that my family says I remind them of so much.
See this is what the Holidays does to you... one day at a time and grin and bear it I guess.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Time just flies by
I can't believe it has been almost a month since I have posted. The first part of November was crazy because I was running and event and helping out with the election. My body still has yet to recover from all of this.
I constantly tired, I don't feel like I ever get enough sleep part of that may be my medication though as well. Either way I am trying to do as much as I can to have a life. I have healed more from the surgery but the incisions still hurt pretty bad. I have cream I have to rub on them twice a day, but they still hurt. The doctor said that I am doing alright, but this is going to be a six month recovery.
I also haven't seen my doctor for treatments for over a month now and my body is paying for it for sure. Hurricane Sandy made them cancel my last appointment and I have not been able to get in since. I have another two weeks to wait. Hopefully they go by quickly.
I am waiting to get a CT Scan approved through my insurance (who has denied it twice) to see what else is going on inside my body before we elect for another surgery. Hopefully I will know more on that next week.
I had one day this week that my pain was just excruciating and nothing got rid of it, I was so down because of it.
Today is Thanksgiving and I decided I did not want to travel so I stayed here and some very nice friends invited me over to their house to join them and their family for Thanksgiving dinner. When we all went around to say what we were thankful for, I said that I am thankful I am getting better and that I have such great people surrounding me.
The one thing I have learned through this whole process since August 2011, is you really learn who your friends are and who you can count on. Sometimes people just surprise you.
So as I sit here being lazy and not wanting to move, I may go to the bar for some human interaction for a bit even though I am still in a food coma from this afternoon.
I constantly tired, I don't feel like I ever get enough sleep part of that may be my medication though as well. Either way I am trying to do as much as I can to have a life. I have healed more from the surgery but the incisions still hurt pretty bad. I have cream I have to rub on them twice a day, but they still hurt. The doctor said that I am doing alright, but this is going to be a six month recovery.
I also haven't seen my doctor for treatments for over a month now and my body is paying for it for sure. Hurricane Sandy made them cancel my last appointment and I have not been able to get in since. I have another two weeks to wait. Hopefully they go by quickly.
I am waiting to get a CT Scan approved through my insurance (who has denied it twice) to see what else is going on inside my body before we elect for another surgery. Hopefully I will know more on that next week.
I had one day this week that my pain was just excruciating and nothing got rid of it, I was so down because of it.
Today is Thanksgiving and I decided I did not want to travel so I stayed here and some very nice friends invited me over to their house to join them and their family for Thanksgiving dinner. When we all went around to say what we were thankful for, I said that I am thankful I am getting better and that I have such great people surrounding me.
The one thing I have learned through this whole process since August 2011, is you really learn who your friends are and who you can count on. Sometimes people just surprise you.
So as I sit here being lazy and not wanting to move, I may go to the bar for some human interaction for a bit even though I am still in a food coma from this afternoon.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Post-op Appointment
So I went to see my normal doctor today, for my post-op check up and get my normal nerve blocks and instillation.
This was my first big outing since the surgery by myself, which included a two hour drive there and a two hour drive back home in pretty bad rain.
Well I did not end up getting my treatments, but I did talk to the doctor about the pain I am in, not sleeping at night and my recovery time. Next week I start water physical therapy, which I am not looking forward to, but I have to do it.
Going through this does not at any point get easier, it just seems to be getting harder even though I feel like it should be getting easier, since I have been being treated since April.
Now I know that surgery is a trauma to my body, which means the body will go into a state of shock and be miserable for a period of time while it heals itself. I know that is the stage that I am in right now, but I feel like there is no end in sight even though I know at some point there will be.
I am glad I have my friends to talk to, but sometimes going to the doctors alone while dealing with this can be really hard. The only time throughout this that I have taken someone with me was when my friend Brooke came with me to surgery two weeks ago.
The fact that it is exactly two weeks to the day that I had surgery, I just need to keep pushing on, no matter how hard it hurts.
This was my first big outing since the surgery by myself, which included a two hour drive there and a two hour drive back home in pretty bad rain.
Well I did not end up getting my treatments, but I did talk to the doctor about the pain I am in, not sleeping at night and my recovery time. Next week I start water physical therapy, which I am not looking forward to, but I have to do it.
Going through this does not at any point get easier, it just seems to be getting harder even though I feel like it should be getting easier, since I have been being treated since April.
Now I know that surgery is a trauma to my body, which means the body will go into a state of shock and be miserable for a period of time while it heals itself. I know that is the stage that I am in right now, but I feel like there is no end in sight even though I know at some point there will be.
I am glad I have my friends to talk to, but sometimes going to the doctors alone while dealing with this can be really hard. The only time throughout this that I have taken someone with me was when my friend Brooke came with me to surgery two weeks ago.
The fact that it is exactly two weeks to the day that I had surgery, I just need to keep pushing on, no matter how hard it hurts.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
It has been one week
I haven't blogged much in the past week, so I wanted to try and get caught up on my thoughts and what things have been like.
Last Monday I left and went down to Silver Spring, Maryland, where my surgery was going to take place. I got down there in the afternoon and just had time to relax and hang out with my friend.
Tuesday morning was a super early morning. Surgery was scheduled at 7 am which meant I had to be at the surgery center at 6 am. I got up at 5 a.m. and showered with Hibiclens before heading in for surgery. Then I got there and filled out the usual paperwork along with the other preparation work that they do for you when you are about to get cut open.
After going through things with the nurses, the doctor arrived and went over to what they were going to be doing to me. So I had three nerves cut in my pelvis and groin. I will look up the technical terms to all of this later. The surgery lasted a little over two hours.
I woke up from surgery in complete and total pain. Nothing seemed to be taking me down to a manageable level. I was in recovery longer than I was in surgery and I felt absolutely miserable. I was also dreading the getting up to go to the bathroom, because of how bad I hurt. So that was excruciating even with the nurses helping me move.
We did get things calmed down and I was able to leave, I had asked the doctor for crutches which he agreed to, because putting weight on my left leg was just so painful I couldn't do it. The doctor agreed to the crutches to help me get around for the reasons that they would stabilize me and also slow me down.
So going back to my friends Brooke and Mike they took great care of me all week, even though I could hardly get around. I felt pretty helpless. I was taking a lot of pain medication those first few days trying to keep my pain at bay.
On Friday I was able to get a ride home which was a little rough, but I was so glad to be home.
All weekend I spent laying around and sleeping as much as possible. I did have a friend help take me grocery shopping, I am trying to remember that I have to ask for help... and I must use help.
So for now I am icing my abdomen and taking the medications as prescribed by the doctor and taking it as slow as possible so that I can try and heal.
What I can say is this surgery was painful and my biggest hope is that after the surgery wounds heal, that I will feel like a completely different person.
Last Monday I left and went down to Silver Spring, Maryland, where my surgery was going to take place. I got down there in the afternoon and just had time to relax and hang out with my friend.
Tuesday morning was a super early morning. Surgery was scheduled at 7 am which meant I had to be at the surgery center at 6 am. I got up at 5 a.m. and showered with Hibiclens before heading in for surgery. Then I got there and filled out the usual paperwork along with the other preparation work that they do for you when you are about to get cut open.
After going through things with the nurses, the doctor arrived and went over to what they were going to be doing to me. So I had three nerves cut in my pelvis and groin. I will look up the technical terms to all of this later. The surgery lasted a little over two hours.
I woke up from surgery in complete and total pain. Nothing seemed to be taking me down to a manageable level. I was in recovery longer than I was in surgery and I felt absolutely miserable. I was also dreading the getting up to go to the bathroom, because of how bad I hurt. So that was excruciating even with the nurses helping me move.
We did get things calmed down and I was able to leave, I had asked the doctor for crutches which he agreed to, because putting weight on my left leg was just so painful I couldn't do it. The doctor agreed to the crutches to help me get around for the reasons that they would stabilize me and also slow me down.
So going back to my friends Brooke and Mike they took great care of me all week, even though I could hardly get around. I felt pretty helpless. I was taking a lot of pain medication those first few days trying to keep my pain at bay.
On Friday I was able to get a ride home which was a little rough, but I was so glad to be home.
All weekend I spent laying around and sleeping as much as possible. I did have a friend help take me grocery shopping, I am trying to remember that I have to ask for help... and I must use help.
So for now I am icing my abdomen and taking the medications as prescribed by the doctor and taking it as slow as possible so that I can try and heal.
What I can say is this surgery was painful and my biggest hope is that after the surgery wounds heal, that I will feel like a completely different person.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Getting ready for surgery... is not fun at all
Life lately has been so overly stressful, it is crazy. I am trying to get things together in my life at home, at work, and with myself.
Well trying to make sure your house is in order for when you get back from surgery is just plain frustrating. I spent most of Saturday running errands and picking up medications and all other forms of things needed for the house to make sure that everything is ready when I return.
Trying to find some new furniture is also not helping at all which we are in need of since my roommate moved out so there are definitely some blank spots in the house which are just plain annoying to me right now.
Work is stressing me out, I know I have an event on November 3rd, but most of what is going on won't be going on for a few weeks either way.
So far this morning getting some laundry done, then more cleaning of the house to come this afternoon and picking up all of my prescriptions which is going to be one huge bill that I am not looking forward to at this point.
Either way I have to get through this and I can because I am strong and I have to keep telling myself that. I don't need to breakdown, even though I know that I will between now and Tuesday. Either way I can do this, it is just going to be really, really hard.
Well trying to make sure your house is in order for when you get back from surgery is just plain frustrating. I spent most of Saturday running errands and picking up medications and all other forms of things needed for the house to make sure that everything is ready when I return.
Trying to find some new furniture is also not helping at all which we are in need of since my roommate moved out so there are definitely some blank spots in the house which are just plain annoying to me right now.
Work is stressing me out, I know I have an event on November 3rd, but most of what is going on won't be going on for a few weeks either way.
So far this morning getting some laundry done, then more cleaning of the house to come this afternoon and picking up all of my prescriptions which is going to be one huge bill that I am not looking forward to at this point.
Either way I have to get through this and I can because I am strong and I have to keep telling myself that. I don't need to breakdown, even though I know that I will between now and Tuesday. Either way I can do this, it is just going to be really, really hard.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
The two week countdown!
Alright well one thing I know is that I do plan events for a living, I have decided what is even harder, is planning your own surgery out of state and trying to figure out how to make it all work.
My surgery is scheduled for September 18th at 7 am, I am no where near ready for this an my anxiety is building.
My surgery is scheduled for September 18th at 7 am, I am no where near ready for this an my anxiety is building.
- Today I am going to get clearance from my family doctor.
- Tomorrow I plan to get all of my required blood work at the hospital.
- I need to figure out the days off work and the coming back to work plan.
- I need to work on transportation there and transportation back.
- Plans while in the DC area are solid so that is the good thing at the moment.
- I need to pick up prescriptions given to me by the doctor specifically for the surgery.
- I need to make sure I have all of my normal medications as well.
- In the mean time I still have my normal doctor appointments on top of all of this.
- Call the insurance and figure out what is covered/not covered (this one scares me the most).
Anyhow needless to say I am stressed and not sure what direction is up.
Also today is my dad's birthday, so shout-out to my dad who will spend his entire day teaching 5th graders.
Well time to get some work done and try and concentrate for a little bit.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
My one year anniversary
Wow, that sure feels like a sad thing to say. I have extremely mixed feelings on saying it is my one year anniversary of feeling miserable this month. My symptoms started in early August 2011 and just continued to get worse as the days went on. (Let me just explain to anyone this is not how you want to live your life or spend the rest of your summer).
So it makes me reflect back on the past year which has been quite the roller coaster of a journey:
So it makes me reflect back on the past year which has been quite the roller coaster of a journey:
- I have been to so many doctors and doctors appointments I lost count.
- The amount of money I have spent going to the doctors and on medications literally makes me sick.
- When my pain gets to a certain level that also makes me sick.
- I have had one diagnostic surgery which just put me in more pain, which happened in March. The good thing, I know my reproductive system is good.
- I also cannot remember the actual list of medications that I am on, thank God for a good Pharmacists.
- I have had to do some travel and labor intensive work, that is the nature of my job. I cannot fathom how truly strong my body is some days to make it through these events. It is almost scary to realize the level of pain that I am in that my body somehow functions with.
- There has been a lot of reflecting on my part, about who I am and what I want. Also the people that I can truly call friends and who were there for me when I needed it. It is so hard being out on your own and not having a significant other. I am very blessed to have some good friends who have been there for me. I wish some days my family and best friend were not so far away, but sometimes life just takes you different directions.
- This should not come as a shock to those who have known me for a long time but I have a very hard time opening up about my feelings. It took me months to start telling people I was having problems. After my diagnosis in April, I couldn't talk about it without crying like a baby... I am finally getting better about that. Although I find it interesting some people I seem to have no issue saying what my issue is to and others I do.
- I have shed more tears this year than I can ever remember. My hormones hate me, my body hates me and well the medicine is a whole other story.
- The medications that I can't keep straight I have to keep in an a.m./p.m. pill case. Definitely not where I thought I would be when I hit 30 years old.
- I thank God for finding the right doctor who is working to get me better along with his team.
- I think I am finally turning a corner where I can fathom the thought of allowing a person close to me, physically and mentally. Eventually I will get there and maybe someday I will meet the right guy, but for now I am still just trying to focus on getting better.
I can only imagine now that there are other women out there going through these problems and have no idea where to turn, I guess all I can say to that is don't give up.
One doctor early on in this journey, looked at me and said what do you think is wrong with your body? I told him my thoughts and he said you seem to know your body pretty well and I would say what you think is right, because you do not belong in my office. So if nothing else I have found some doctors that seem to listen pretty well.
This is not really an anniversary to celebrate, because well just like how I feel right now it is painful, but I am going to keep pushing through until I get to where I need to be. Right now I am where I need to be and getting my proper treatment. Tomorrow brings another appointment with a nerve specialist, which should set me up for a surgical procedure, hopefully sooner than later and put me on the path to wellness.
Another photo I found that sums up many of my thoughts, not sure of it's origin but it was floating around on Facebook and I find the words to be so very true.
Monday, August 20, 2012
More Travel
The past few weeks have been crazy and unfortunately I have not had a chance to blog much. I will say my body does not take travel as well as it use to that is for sure.
I got back from Florida on August 8th, had my normal doctor appointments on the 13th and 15th and then headed to New Orleans for a conference on the 16th.
I have always pushed myself too much and I know that I do it, but I really enjoy having fun and meeting new people. So I have to say this past weekend was an absolute blast, but my body needs some serious recovery time.
On Saturday I hit a very high pain day, so bad it was going almost the whole way down my leg which was just miserable, it literally made me sick. The only saving grace I had was the fact that I had my portable Empi Unit with me to help relieve some of the pain, now the bigger issue is getting my insurace to keep paying for that because right now they are only giving me 2 months with it.
I don't want to get started on health care and insurance becuase I am lucky to have coverage but when you have a serious problem that will not go away and they have the ability to completely limit the type of care that you can get is just so disheartening and honestly just adds to the depression (not to mention the amount of money I am paying). I mean what do I do when I don't have coverage for physical therapy any more or I can't keep my unit to help me control my pain? Thinking about it makes me want to cry so I try not to, but at some point I fully have to address this... I don't know when I have the time.
Did I mention I really just want to be a normal 30 year old... whatever that is exactly.
I got back from Florida on August 8th, had my normal doctor appointments on the 13th and 15th and then headed to New Orleans for a conference on the 16th.
I have always pushed myself too much and I know that I do it, but I really enjoy having fun and meeting new people. So I have to say this past weekend was an absolute blast, but my body needs some serious recovery time.
On Saturday I hit a very high pain day, so bad it was going almost the whole way down my leg which was just miserable, it literally made me sick. The only saving grace I had was the fact that I had my portable Empi Unit with me to help relieve some of the pain, now the bigger issue is getting my insurace to keep paying for that because right now they are only giving me 2 months with it.
I don't want to get started on health care and insurance becuase I am lucky to have coverage but when you have a serious problem that will not go away and they have the ability to completely limit the type of care that you can get is just so disheartening and honestly just adds to the depression (not to mention the amount of money I am paying). I mean what do I do when I don't have coverage for physical therapy any more or I can't keep my unit to help me control my pain? Thinking about it makes me want to cry so I try not to, but at some point I fully have to address this... I don't know when I have the time.
Did I mention I really just want to be a normal 30 year old... whatever that is exactly.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Tuesday, Tuesday...
Well inevitably it is Tuesday and really right now I feel so overwhelmed I want to cry. Which probably means when I go to the doctor tomorrow I will cry. Not necessarily because I am going to get at least 20 shots with gigantic needles, but because I am stressed and I need an outlet.
So my normal outlets:
My emotions are a mess (especially after a phone call I just had), we don't need to get into my trust issues with men at this point. All I want is to feel normal and not feel sick, tired, alone and in pain all the time.
Hopefully one night this week I can take some time to hang out with friends and go to a movie if nothing else, then on Saturday I have a wedding, which will be fun.
So basically my anxiety is at an all time high and I fear it may only get worse as the week goes on.... awesome.
So my normal outlets:
- working out - can't do
- drinking - not suppose to do (and it makes me feel horrible)
- hanging out with friends - everyone is working
- sleep - well we all know how horrible I am at that
My emotions are a mess (especially after a phone call I just had), we don't need to get into my trust issues with men at this point. All I want is to feel normal and not feel sick, tired, alone and in pain all the time.
Hopefully one night this week I can take some time to hang out with friends and go to a movie if nothing else, then on Saturday I have a wedding, which will be fun.
So basically my anxiety is at an all time high and I fear it may only get worse as the week goes on.... awesome.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Girls weekend
This past weekend my best friend came out to spend some much needed time with me, it was long overdue and a lot of fun...but now with fun ones lots of pain. I received my shots on Wednesday which did help a little, the bad news is now I have pain in other areas I can feel as the major pain on my left side is starting to get under control.
The doctor has discussed with me that I am likely a very good candidate for a surgery on some of the nerves in my pelvic area. This is something we will discuss more in the future.
Friday we took the train into Philly and did some site seeing, which isn't something I have had done much of in the past. There was a lot of walking once we got into the city, it was so hot, but we had a blast. We did cut our trip a few hours short because it was hot and we were exhausted.
We stayed up late and went to dinner, which was great. Saturday I woke up in a lot of pain, I think between the heat and my usual lack of sleep and the pain it made my physically ill. I ended up throwing up which I never do. So the girls and I ran some errands then ended up calling it an evening in, which was not what I had wanted but my body said otherwise.
So it is Sunday,I still feel horrible, but I did make it to a baby shower for a few hours and then back to my house for a lot of laying around. I really just want o feel normal. I really have to thank my best friend for coming out to stay with me for a few days and helping me out when I hit my pain wall. Now to try and get some sleep.
The doctor has discussed with me that I am likely a very good candidate for a surgery on some of the nerves in my pelvic area. This is something we will discuss more in the future.
Friday we took the train into Philly and did some site seeing, which isn't something I have had done much of in the past. There was a lot of walking once we got into the city, it was so hot, but we had a blast. We did cut our trip a few hours short because it was hot and we were exhausted.
We stayed up late and went to dinner, which was great. Saturday I woke up in a lot of pain, I think between the heat and my usual lack of sleep and the pain it made my physically ill. I ended up throwing up which I never do. So the girls and I ran some errands then ended up calling it an evening in, which was not what I had wanted but my body said otherwise.
So it is Sunday,I still feel horrible, but I did make it to a baby shower for a few hours and then back to my house for a lot of laying around. I really just want o feel normal. I really have to thank my best friend for coming out to stay with me for a few days and helping me out when I hit my pain wall. Now to try and get some sleep.
Monday, June 25, 2012
My weekend
Well I managed to get some running around done on Saturday along with cleaning the house, still a few more finishing touches before my best friend comes to visit. I have to say cleaning beats me up I am still hurting today from Saturday. Sunday I was able to go to a close friends bridal shower, I had a great time catching up and meeting new people.
I then came home and went to the Celtic Fling, I love the sound of bagpipes, it makes me miss the 'Boro. I spent some time walking which is good for me to do, but it does hurt. So just trying to prepare for another week. I prepared my breakfast and lunches for the week.
Wednesday I have my treatments and Thursday my best friend is coming, I am so excited to spend time with her. I need some one on one time and hopefully it will do my spirit and body some good. Last week I did not have my treatments so things were kind of rough. Physical therapy is moving to once a week, to prolong the time I can keep it up. I will say I completely dislike my "homework" from my therapist. Although she does inflict some pain on me, I really do like her, she is very good at what she does.
Also, I went to take my pm meds tonight... Apparently I took them by accident this morning because my am pills were still there, which may explain how tired I was today, even for a Monday. Anyhow off to bed for me.
I then came home and went to the Celtic Fling, I love the sound of bagpipes, it makes me miss the 'Boro. I spent some time walking which is good for me to do, but it does hurt. So just trying to prepare for another week. I prepared my breakfast and lunches for the week.
Wednesday I have my treatments and Thursday my best friend is coming, I am so excited to spend time with her. I need some one on one time and hopefully it will do my spirit and body some good. Last week I did not have my treatments so things were kind of rough. Physical therapy is moving to once a week, to prolong the time I can keep it up. I will say I completely dislike my "homework" from my therapist. Although she does inflict some pain on me, I really do like her, she is very good at what she does.
Also, I went to take my pm meds tonight... Apparently I took them by accident this morning because my am pills were still there, which may explain how tired I was today, even for a Monday. Anyhow off to bed for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)