Getting over/through the Holidays

Well Christmas is over, it was great to be back home with friends and family, I really enjoyed being around those that mean so much to me. I drove past and visited my childhood home where I have so many great holiday memories from. I tried to visit my grandparents at the cemetery but of course it was not plowed and there was a foot of snow. I drove through a storm on Friday night to get back.

Good old South Main St. in Meadville, what a  beautiful old house. 

I did take a little bit of a break from email and the computer. I did post to Facebook and Twitter, but I really wanted to focus on being around those people that who have supported me through all of this. I even saw some people I did not expect to see which is always nice.

I had some hurdles to get through and had a talk with my brother about all of this and kind of laid out how I was feeling to him, so I hope that helps us to make some necessary changes moving forward. I have not fully told most people what is wrong with me because I do feel some of it is extremely personal, but I needed my brother to know I need support if nothing else and I feel that is something that has really been lacking.

Yesterday, I had to drive back. Let me tell you what, I should have left at 9 am even though I had a few errands I had to run. Driving home on I-80 when no plows are out in a white out where your windshield wipers keep freezing is not ok. My usual 5 hour drive turned into 9+ hours. I got home, unpacked my car as much as I could handle and just sat down on the coach and tried to relax.

This photo is what my drive home looked like, I took it while stopped at a rest stop!

I also ended up cancelling my doctors appointment today, because quite frankly I could not sit in a car for 4 hours today, even though I do need my treatment, my body needs  a break. This was my longest car trip since my surgery which already gave me anxiety but that trip home just made it worse!

So back to work and the normal grind. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas.

Also another good thing... there will be no more cookie baking until next Christmas. Although according to my 13 year old brother his favorite part of Christmas was my creme de menthe cookies. :) So I must have done something right.

Depression and other Mental Illness

Not that I want to be a person who tries to compare any part of my life to the tragedy that happened in Newtown, CT last week. I feel horrible for those students, parents, teachers, first responders and the community, I think they have been in the thoughts and prayers of everyone this past week, including mine.

Now, one thing I can talk about is depression and that is because I suffer with it daily. Some days I am fine and others are just a big deep black hole. This past Tuesday was one of those black holes and Wednesday did not get much better.

Tuesday after my doctors appointment my pain was just so bad I did not know what to do. I could barely walk, I just look miserable as I moved around the office. Tuesday night didn't get much better.

Wednesday I woke up still in pain, but not quite as bad and just tried to get through what was going to be another extremely busy day.

So here we go just a few days before Christmas. The Holidays although they are meant to be fun and cheerful really are not always what they are cracked up to be for some people.  Take me for instance I try so hard to be happy about the holidays, I do the baking, wrapping of gifts, etc. But behind all of that I am just constantly sad and feel like I cannot climb out of the hole that I am in.

Can you hide it... yes you can. Can you hid it all of the time... the answer is no! Something happened on Tuesday night that hit me pretty hard and I just couldn't deal with it, there has been a lot of crying since. Although I usually break down at night when I am in bed and alone, this time I did it at my office while talking with a friend. Sometimes it just gets you.

Even with treatment, sometimes you just have to sit back and take a deep breath, but there are times when that is just not going to cut it.

Am I excited to go home and see my family and friends... of course I am. However, it brings other things to light to. I was talking to my dad about some of this last night and he goes Tammy it will get better sometimes it just takes time. Well I for one am tired of waiting and putting my life on hold because of how miserable I feel daily. He told me he wishes they were around to help, which in all honesty I am not sure if that would be a help or more stress and don't get me wrong I love my family, but sometimes I just can't take them.

So if you have a loved one that is having a hard time just be patient with them, everyone has struggles deep down inside of them, sometimes more than they want to share with the world. So don't judge them and just be supportive and if they truly need help, get them the professional help that they need.

Finally

On Thursday while I was on business in Springfield, Illinois, I received a call from my surgeon that my CT Scan was finally approved by the insurance. I felt so relieved to be able to go in and get this imaging done to my body.

Although at the same time I am scared that they won't see a hernia and that means more nerves have to go. I guess right now I just need to keep a positive attitude towards everything and really try and just continue to take it one day at a time.

What I do know is I feel extremely overwhelmed right now. Maybe it is the holidays, my health, things going on with my family, work... maybe it is everything just snowballing into one big issue that just makes me feel like I have no control and I just want to cry. Depression is really, truly a horrible thing.

I continue to try and do things that make happy, I continue to try and do things to take my mind off of everything. One thing you cannot do... is take your mind off of pain when it will not go away.

Sometimes it just feels like a big hole you can't climb out of.

I do get to go see my doctor on Tuesday for some treatments and I am going to discuss all of this with him. Wednesday morning is my CT Scan. After that I will be making my appointment in DC to see the surgeon again.

All this seems to add to me is more chaos and stress. It is so hard to explain to people, sometimes I just don't even bother. I haven't even told most of my family the real truth to all of this, because I just don't want to face it all.

So for right now I will put my thoughts out here on my blog and hopefully it will clear my mind enough to let me try and sleep tonight.

I did a lot of cookie baking this weekend and I posted a photo to Facebook, my older cousin Chris said it reminded him of my Grandma Tedesco, she loved to bake and loved the holidays. I am not so sure I love the Holidays, but I do love to bake. It made me think back to how much I wish my grandparents would have been around longer. My grandmother died before I was born and my grandfather passed away when I was 5. I am sure they are looking down on us now, but part of me wishes I would have gotten to know this woman that my family says I remind them of so much.

See this is what the Holidays does to you... one day at a time and grin and bear it I guess.