The end of the year and hopefully a new beginning

So long 2012, you were not exactly the best year in my 30 years on this earth, for countless reasons which I have been writing about in this blog for the past few months.

I am still so upset with my body and I fight every day to try and get that feeling to go away, but it seems to just get harder not easier. Yesterday I had to go shopping for some new khakis and I was so dismayed while trying to find something that fit and did not hurt at the same time.

I did manage 30 minutes of exercise on a stationary bike yesterday, first actual exercise of the year, that wasn't physical therapy... but boy did I pay for it later.  My goal for 2013 is to work out more and attempt to strengthen my body as much as I can to try and get through these diagnosis and problems.

I spent part of yesterday making healthy food to eat this week, so that I don't have to think too much about preparing breakfast and lunch if nothing else. I also did a lot of sitting around with heat and my Empi stym machine because I was in pain all weekend as well. 

So my goal is to keep a positive outlook for 2013. 

I look forward to a wonderful night tonight with great friends and welcoming 2013 which I truly hope and pray will bring a better outlook on life and a happier and healthier New Year not only for myself, but also for those people who have been there for me and who I am very honored to call my friends. Happy New Year everyone... CHEERS!

Depression and other Mental Illness

Not that I want to be a person who tries to compare any part of my life to the tragedy that happened in Newtown, CT last week. I feel horrible for those students, parents, teachers, first responders and the community, I think they have been in the thoughts and prayers of everyone this past week, including mine.

Now, one thing I can talk about is depression and that is because I suffer with it daily. Some days I am fine and others are just a big deep black hole. This past Tuesday was one of those black holes and Wednesday did not get much better.

Tuesday after my doctors appointment my pain was just so bad I did not know what to do. I could barely walk, I just look miserable as I moved around the office. Tuesday night didn't get much better.

Wednesday I woke up still in pain, but not quite as bad and just tried to get through what was going to be another extremely busy day.

So here we go just a few days before Christmas. The Holidays although they are meant to be fun and cheerful really are not always what they are cracked up to be for some people.  Take me for instance I try so hard to be happy about the holidays, I do the baking, wrapping of gifts, etc. But behind all of that I am just constantly sad and feel like I cannot climb out of the hole that I am in.

Can you hide it... yes you can. Can you hid it all of the time... the answer is no! Something happened on Tuesday night that hit me pretty hard and I just couldn't deal with it, there has been a lot of crying since. Although I usually break down at night when I am in bed and alone, this time I did it at my office while talking with a friend. Sometimes it just gets you.

Even with treatment, sometimes you just have to sit back and take a deep breath, but there are times when that is just not going to cut it.

Am I excited to go home and see my family and friends... of course I am. However, it brings other things to light to. I was talking to my dad about some of this last night and he goes Tammy it will get better sometimes it just takes time. Well I for one am tired of waiting and putting my life on hold because of how miserable I feel daily. He told me he wishes they were around to help, which in all honesty I am not sure if that would be a help or more stress and don't get me wrong I love my family, but sometimes I just can't take them.

So if you have a loved one that is having a hard time just be patient with them, everyone has struggles deep down inside of them, sometimes more than they want to share with the world. So don't judge them and just be supportive and if they truly need help, get them the professional help that they need.