Life sure is different these days

I really do mean it is different, on so many levels it is unreal. A big part of all of this is a huge personal struggle of me fighting myself, here I am a thirty-two year old female whose life has been just thrown upside-down the past few years. The past year really hit me even worse on a lot of fronts. But what I fight daily is the person that I used to be/the person that I know is still inside and the person that I have become. The truth is, this really is two totally different people, but somehow it is still me and I am really struggling with that.

There is Tammy the former athlete, the person who lived to be social, strong willed/hard headed, worked hard and played hard... etc. Then there is Tammy who lives in pain, can't sleep, can't handle being touched, doesn't want to leave her house or get out of bed, and goes to the doctors for a good amount of my social life. Life is truly different, I am different.

This week is typically one of my favorite weeks of the year, because it is the NCAA Tournament, for the first time since 2000, I will not be at the Championships and it is eating at me. I know that it is just this year. I know I can watch it on TV and follow it online, but it just isn't the same, not for me.

My life is truly upside-down.

The Neverending Story

First off this used to be one of my absolute favorite movies growing up. Now I think it might better serve what I currently refer to as my life. 

I once again m back in DC/Maryland for doctor visits. The good news is that this nuisance in my arm can finally come out, the downside I will still be taking two oral antibiotics twice daily for another two weeks.

Next we do get to do something different, I head to the physiatrist to find out how/what needs to be done for my physical therapy and there we are still a LONG way from being over. 

My body hurts, the antibiotics are not helping that. My pain has only gotten worse not better. I am exhausted all the time and I never really sleep week 3 I think there.

Nothing is easy, everything that should be a ut and dry situation turns into a fiasco.

I need to focus on me, I need to get better. I do not care at this point what other people think or want because my number 1 priority is ME! Yes I said it and I sure as hell mean it.

I have been fighting this for so long every day I just want to throw in the towel, yet everyday I have a small hope that the next will be better.

Yes, you are right, this should not be the thoughts of a 31 year old educated female.... Well they are.

Depression is miserable, depression because of severe chronic pain is even more miserable. When you are the person that the drug commercial talks about...you have a severe problem.

I want to be myself again, but I fear that will never happen. Why you my ask? Well the Tammy that has gone through all of this has learned some new things and I also know that things many people take for granted like having a baby is not something I will experience. Yes my outlook as a 31 year old has changed for sure.

My medical knowledge has increased as well, because it had too. I need to know what they are telling me.

What I know: 

1. I am a very broken person

2. "Friends" disappear very quickly when things get tough. The ones that don't... DO NOT ever let them go.

3. Life changes way too fast

It is that time of year again

What I mean by, "It is that time of year again," is that it is Wedding Season. I feel like by now the weddings should be slowing down, but they definitely are not. Last year I went to six weddings.

This year I have had roughly the same amount, however I have had to cancel out of two of them because of how sick I was. Both of these decisions have been hard and I waited until last minute because I very much wanted to be there. I have spent a lot of time recently crying as depression has begun to rule my life and everything about it. Including what I do.

Now there are other contributors to this effect as well. I am not sleeping, literally, I did not sleep one minute last night. My pain has been horrible, I don't move around too well and I have very little energy.

I still have my PICC line in and over the next two weeks have a pretty grueling schedule of doctor appointments coming up. I do hope that my team of doctors can do more to help get me to a better place. I do hope that getting rid of the infection will be one of the first starts to this whole progression.

Sometimes it is so hard to look up, to get out of bed or even leave the house. I feel that the little person inside me wants to get out and just can't.

I wonder where to pick up from and I am not able to seem to find it.

Time for reflection

My depression has kicked up majorly lately. Even with the medications, I just can't seem to work my way out of this deep hole I seem to be sitting at the bottom of.

I was messaging and old friend today and I told her that is exactly how I felt. It is so hard to admit it and really the only way to describe how I feel without someone worrying that I may harm myself. The one thing I do not have is a feeling of harm. What I want to do is run as far away as possible from what I know to be my life.

What amazes me is how different my life has become since August 2011 and how different I have become. I have become the person that I do not recognize any more. I am so upset with how everything seems to be going, that I don't know who I am any more.

The silliest of things makes me cry like crazy and then I just cannot seem to stop once I get started.

Today I made a call to see a pain psychologist here in PA, because I just do not know what else to do. I need someone to talk to who can help me work through this. My brain already constantly sends pain signals all over my body making everything from inside to the outside feel absolutely miserably.

I keep telling myself that it will make me stronger,  I pray that it will make me stronger, and as the days go by  I have a harder time believing that it is actually happening.

Holiday time

Okay so the loneliest time EVER is around Holidays. Even just a long holiday weekend.

So I probably over did myself today, trying to clean and organize my bedroom. So my body is revolting a good bit right now and I could not sleep last night.

I hope to get a good nights sleep tonight.

Also other dangers... I picked up a jewelry making kit at the craft store. This could be trouble.

And you know you have a problem when...

ALL YOU DO IS GO TO THE DOCTORS!

You know I have gotten use to the whole weekly or bi-weekly treatments I was getting. Right now those days are long gone until this infection takes a hike up the river.

I went to the infectious disease doctor today and they took some samples and decided that I am still staying on IV antibiotics for another 7-10 days along with the other antibiotics that I am on.

Right now I am so sick of medicine. I fall asleep for no reason during the day, everything hurts and makes everything else worse.

I feel like I really do live in a hole, one that I can't crawl out of. I want to cry all of the time, because everything is so dam overwhelming.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have no social life and all of my friends well I only get to see them if I am visiting for doctors appointments. I am not fully sure the last time I really went out and had a good time. I am worried about not being able to go to a very close friends wedding in a few weeks, because I cannot fly to get there. I want an escape from what has turned into my reality.

These past two years have been a literal hell for me. I know that at some point I will catch a break, and they always say you hit your break when you are at your all time low. Well I am at that all time low and I am reaching as far as I can to get out.

Now there are a few things that make me different where people can see something is wrong on the outside: the pain in my face, my walking cane for balance and the PICC line in my right arm.

Disability takes on many forms and this is mine: chronic severe pelvic pain coupled with a horrible infection in my left leg right now. Along with numerous other things including very severe depression.

Crying: Inside and Out

Alright, so I am not a big emotional person, I especially hate showing any emotion to people at all that shows signs of weakness and vulnerability. What I do know, even a midst the anti-depressants I am on, I am still very depressed.

Last night after work I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes, I figure well it is my last week I need to do something. By the time I got home I wanted to do nothing at all but lay in bed, which is exactly what I did.

Although I really didn't just lay in bed, I did watch some TV and I blogged about all of this right now. Then I just started crying because I literally feel like the world is crashing in on me when I am behind closed doors and in my "safe zone."

I can function enough to get through the day at work, I may not be as productive as I like, but I can do it. What I can't seem to do is anything else. My body wants so bad to feel just okay... or closer to normal than what I do now. My mind wants to be that happy, fun and fearless thirty-one year old that I truly am. Right now I am not that person and that is not alright with me at all.

There has been a lot of talk about people with conditions lately, all I can say that depression should not be taken lightly it is a real thing. I would say more people are depressed and are not undergoing some type of treatment from a physician... they should be. We need to take mental illness seriously, it should not be frowned upon by society. It is a real condition, that needs real help.  I would go as far as saying I am no where near as serious as some people, but I can tell that I am not alright.

Every celebration seems to end with pain

This past weekend I celebrated my 31st birthday. It was great to have some of my family in to visit for the weekend and do some running around, which we did on Saturday.  I also made reservations and we went out to dinner and had a few friends meet up with all of us. Then we went out to my favorite bar in town and celebrated for the rest of the evening.

On Sunday we got up and I knew it was going to be one of those bad days. Why you may ask? Well I was at a moderate pain level the day before and I was tired from all of the running around we did, so I knew eventually I would not be so lucky and things would catch up to me as they usually do.

So yesterday it hit and wouldn't you know it but I spent the majority of my actual birthday alone, laying on the couch with a heating pad praying that my pain would go away. Today has started out just as rough and I can only hope that tomorrow will be better. I am down to just about a month away from surgery and as scared as I am about the whole thing, I know that my body needs it, because my body needs to get better and is in a very bad state right now.

I keep telling my self that 2013 will be my year and I still have 9 months to see that really pull through for me.

Someday I will feel like I can live like a normal person and be the woman that I know that I can be, I just hope that time gets here soon.

I will say I was extremely surprised at the kindness of friends here and far away on birthday, just knowing that I have so many people that were thinking of me is a great thought to have. Even though ninety percent of them have no idea what is going on with me personally. This internal struggle to try and be the person I was just a few years ago has been very hard.

There is so much talk about mental illness these days, especially with the shootings that have happened. I don't think anyone realizes how bad of a hold depression can take on someone unless they have personally lived through it or gone through it with a close friend or loved one. It really does make you feel like a person that you are not. It is like being in this dark hole all alone and at the very bottom and not knowing how to get out. Sometimes you can function enough to do daily tasks and other times you just can't.

I know that happens to me a lot, I will get through everything I need to do during the week, but the minute I am done I am home and in my room. Then on the weekends I just don't want to get out of bed.

Did I ever think this is what my life wold be like at the age of 31? No not at all... but I do know that I am working through it the best that I can.

Depression and other Mental Illness

Not that I want to be a person who tries to compare any part of my life to the tragedy that happened in Newtown, CT last week. I feel horrible for those students, parents, teachers, first responders and the community, I think they have been in the thoughts and prayers of everyone this past week, including mine.

Now, one thing I can talk about is depression and that is because I suffer with it daily. Some days I am fine and others are just a big deep black hole. This past Tuesday was one of those black holes and Wednesday did not get much better.

Tuesday after my doctors appointment my pain was just so bad I did not know what to do. I could barely walk, I just look miserable as I moved around the office. Tuesday night didn't get much better.

Wednesday I woke up still in pain, but not quite as bad and just tried to get through what was going to be another extremely busy day.

So here we go just a few days before Christmas. The Holidays although they are meant to be fun and cheerful really are not always what they are cracked up to be for some people.  Take me for instance I try so hard to be happy about the holidays, I do the baking, wrapping of gifts, etc. But behind all of that I am just constantly sad and feel like I cannot climb out of the hole that I am in.

Can you hide it... yes you can. Can you hid it all of the time... the answer is no! Something happened on Tuesday night that hit me pretty hard and I just couldn't deal with it, there has been a lot of crying since. Although I usually break down at night when I am in bed and alone, this time I did it at my office while talking with a friend. Sometimes it just gets you.

Even with treatment, sometimes you just have to sit back and take a deep breath, but there are times when that is just not going to cut it.

Am I excited to go home and see my family and friends... of course I am. However, it brings other things to light to. I was talking to my dad about some of this last night and he goes Tammy it will get better sometimes it just takes time. Well I for one am tired of waiting and putting my life on hold because of how miserable I feel daily. He told me he wishes they were around to help, which in all honesty I am not sure if that would be a help or more stress and don't get me wrong I love my family, but sometimes I just can't take them.

So if you have a loved one that is having a hard time just be patient with them, everyone has struggles deep down inside of them, sometimes more than they want to share with the world. So don't judge them and just be supportive and if they truly need help, get them the professional help that they need.

Post-op Appointment

So I went to see my normal doctor today, for my post-op check up and get my normal nerve blocks and instillation.

This was my first big outing since the surgery by myself, which included a two hour drive there and a two hour drive back home in pretty bad rain.

Well I did not end up getting my treatments, but I did talk to the doctor about the pain I am in, not sleeping at night and my recovery time. Next week I start water physical therapy, which I am not looking forward to, but I have to do it.

Going through this does not at any point get easier, it just seems to be getting harder even though I feel like it should be getting easier, since I have been being treated since April.

Now I know that surgery is a trauma to my body, which means the body will go into a state of shock and be miserable for a period of time while it heals itself. I know that is the stage that I am in right now, but I feel like there is no end in sight even though I know at some point there will be.

I am glad I have my friends to talk to, but sometimes going to the doctors alone while dealing with this can be really hard. The only time throughout this that I have taken someone with me was when my friend Brooke came with me to surgery two weeks ago.

The fact that it is exactly two weeks to the day that I had surgery, I just need to keep pushing on, no matter how hard it hurts.

Depression SUCKS

So after returning home from the DC area on Friday evening, I really felt like things were hitting me really hard and that I was honestly all alone. I know that is not necessarily the case, but it is how you feel when you are depressed.

I did run a few errands on Saturday morning that I had to do and then I came home and literally laid in bed for hours. I was able to talk to my best friend for a bit which helped me think through things a little bit. I just honestly wanted to cry every time I thought about what was going on and what I need to get prepared for.

I even asked the pharmacist when I should bring everything in to get filled. I just feel so overwhelmed from top to bottom at this point and I almost feel like I don't know which way is up.

Last night I made myself leave the house and go to dinner, but I went alone and if nothing else had a great meal before coming home to watch TV and try and calm myself down without crying again.

Today was a little bit of the same. I went to church and then hit up the movie theater to see Batman, which was awesome, I wish I would have seen it earlier.

So a lot to get done this week and figured out at work, I don't even know where to start that and I think that is a huge point of anxiety for me right now.

So my biggest thought this weekend is how much depression sucks. I know I am taking medications to help, but I can say that I know for sure what I am experiencing is not helping to get me out of this hole I have fallen into. I can only hope that as my pain gets better and my quality of life gets better, so will this.

Always remember the people you see out may look normal but you never know what may be going on with them, so be kind.

Anyhow time to try and get some rest.

Need to let it out

I am not fully sure what the issue is tonight, but I am super emotional. Now I am watching the 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremonies which London so far has done a great job with.

But personally I just want to sit here and cry. I think part of it is my depression, part of it is just being completely overwhelmed and having an exhausting week. Then knowing that next week is going to be exactly the same if not worse.

I know I am slowly getting better but I truly just don't feel that I am better. My goal tomorrow is to get up and at minimum hopefully it will be kind of nice out and I can go for a walk. I need to get a lot of laundry done and get my bags packed for my trip to Florida next week.

I have come up with a treatment plan for myself for next week so here is to hoping I can cope with things ok. I feel nervous that I will be going three weeks without seeing my physical therapist and my doctor for treatments.

I had to call the pharmacy today and make sure there were not any issues to get my prescriptions so I have them all to take with me. Just too many extra things to think of taking other than just packing my clothes. The fact that I have to continue to live like this scares me, I am not use to it.

After going to my friends wedding last weekend that was rough enough in travel, but I enjoyed every moment of being at the wedding and spending time with friends.

Well that is enough of my ranting for now, I need to get through this in my head... somehow.

Thursdays = My Breaking Point

Ok, so I have finally decided Thursday's are my breaking point. Today my alarm went off, I decided it was Saturday or Sunday I was not sure which and I decided I did not get out of bed.

The bigger problem, it is Thursday and I need to be at work.

Last week all I wanted to do was cry all day, today I feel the exact same way. I am just hoping I make it through the day without having a total meltdown about everything around me.

I am not sure how to fix this... well at least fully. My plate is pretty full at work and I have PT tonight then a late night conference call so all of that is not helping. The good news, tomorrow is Friday and I get to see some friends this weekend.

Who knows maybe I need to go see a counselor... not that I need another appointment in my life. All I can say is my two personal days need to get here ASAP, which is next Thursday and Friday. I can only hope that helps me get through July and August.

So hopefully writing this down now helps... obviously I do have some bigger problems that are playing into all of this. I just want all of this to end and to feel "normal" again, which I honestly don't think will ever happen.

Seriously, summertime is suppose to be my off season. AHHH!!!!

Rituals

Well life has become so scheduled for me lately that it just plain blows. Monday's mean physical therapy, Tueday's mean refilling the weekly am/pm pill box, Wednesday's the specialist, Thursday's more physical therapy and by Friday I want to do nothing but sleep. I mean I'm 30 and I have to have a pill box to remind me what meds to take and when...I hate it.

Now where to?

My biggest fear was being told I was imagining my pain and misery. Literally this is all I could think about after my surgery. As I laid on the couch for two weeks.

 Luckily my OBGYN who was great through this whole process consulted with others and gave me three specialist to look up. After some research I settled on a doctor, who is two hours away, but what they described their practice as felt like it pertained to me. So I filled out a 28 page medical history and had my records release to him, a week later I had an appointment. Needless to say I did not in ny way know what to expect next. I had an 8 am appointment and I left that office around 1 pm.

The ultimate mental/emotional/physical overload had just hit me like a wall. (I will go into some of this in more detail in the future). What I did know leaving that day is that I have multiple diagnoses and they are all over the board (by multiple I mean we are up to two-hand type of counting and higher). Also there is some correlation to my years of sports injuries that have mainly occured on my left side. It is hard to explain how I felt leaving that day after setting up my next appointment, I just wanted to sit in the corner and cry. I felt overwhelmed and alone. I went to lunch after that because I was starving and I did everything in my power to hold back the tears as I continued to digest what I was just told/shown and how all I could think of is I am going to have this problem for the rest of my life.

I am not sure how in depth I will go on my multiple diagnoses in this blog as some of them are extremely personal, but they are important and play a large part to my over all well being right now.

 I did call a few friends on the way back but I hadn't really taken it all in. The appointment was separated into parts: medical history, family history, anatomy lesson, talk of my recent surgery, test, lots of statistics, reading how I responded and acted, etc... So I left with a large packet of reading materials and a stack of prescriptions I had to start... My first thought, I need am/pm pill box.

 I mean I know I just turned 30 but really?