Getting closer and getting older

Well my 31st birthday has officially come and gone. The month of March is always a crazy one for me as there is so much work to be done, it just seems to never, ever end.

I have decided today that a small bit of retail therapy is going to be my answer to happiness as I plan to go to the mall and quickly I hope find some earrings that I like along with maybe a few other small things.

I have less than a month until surgery, which I am starting to get antsy about. It has started to hit me more this week along with everything else moving in. I also am trying to figure out what is making me randomly fall asleep at the drop of a pin during the day. I fell asleep while driving the other day and almost got in a bad accident. Luckily I was close to a friends, so I was able to pull over safely and take a nap.

I am not sure if this is my medication messing with me or if it is my body saying back the heck up what are you doing?!?!

Either way I do not like it, it scares me. Everything about all of this scares me. Not feeling normal scares me. Not thinking that I will ever have a normal life/relationship scares me.

Today is just one of those days where I am a huge what if? Basically I feel like my life is a big question mark, filled with hundreds of tiny questions. It is strange to think of what I have been through in the past two years, the fact that I went un-diagnosed for so long, which compared to many is not that long as I have learned in talking to my doctor.

I guess the best thing I can say about that is to always be your own advocate, never give up when you know something is truly wrong with your body. You fight and push through it until you get the answers you are looking for, I know I did, but I also know that I had the biggest fear that the doctor would tell me it was all in my head. I knew that was not the case, I am tough and can handle a lot, but I had hit my breaking point. I had never been that depressed in my entire life. Mental illness really is an issue that people have and for many like myself it goes without treatment or a diagnosis, which just leads to worse things in the end.

Anyhow that is enough rambling for today. If anyone actually does read my blog, you probably think geez this girl is all over the place today... well I am and it is exactly how I feel.