Oh December

Well I realized I didn't blog in November, potentially because I was so busy trying to get everything done and figured out in between the time when: I wasn't at the doctors, driving to the doctors or sleeping because I can't get out of bed.

I did manage to have myself a little bit of fun and make it to a few wrestling matches, a concert and a college football game though. Which of course means that I had to allow myself a few days of recovery after those days of fun.  I spent a few days at the NAVAL Academy and was able to see the March-On at the NAVY game, I must say I love the tradition and I fully support our men and women in uniform at any stage. I had a great time and I even got my picture taken with the mascot!

That however brings us to now. I met with my surgeon for the first time in months and he wants to restart our way of doing treatment for my pain. Which means I will be in for another very long series of nerve blocks come the beginning of the year. I am not looking forward to it, but hopefully it will tell us what nerves are torturing me and why.

I was able to come home for a long weekend to visit family and friends which I thoroughly enjoyed and on my way home as the bad weather started on an exit ramp I rear ended someone. I did some major damage to my car and even more damage to my body. I have been at my brothers house sitting here resting for a week. No pain meds, no muscle relaxers, just sleeping and trying to let my body rest. I am afraid of what might happen in the long run, but I have to just keep going.

I talked to the shop and the tech told me he was shocked my airbags didn't go off. So knowing that my body handles crazy amounts of pain on a daily basis and also takes much longer than a normal person to recover from doing something, this is going to take me a while to get back to where I should be. Of course I am contacting my doctors and will be following up with my physical therapist next week while I am in town. Luckily while I am back for Christmas if I need I can go down to Pittsburgh as well for treatments.

All I know is I am ready for better things to happen, this year has been so hard, so much has happened to me in every aspect of my life that I feel like I have just hit rock bottom in every way. I just know that somehow God will bring me up at the right time and place and I hold on to that. So in the mean time I will hold onto that promise.

I need to post more

It has been over a month since I have last posted and boy so much has happened in that time period.

• I moved into my own apartment: packing, moving, unpacking was so hard. I am still not unpacked because I just don't have the energy to do it. 
• I had to start back to work, which takes all of my energy, I am lucky to make it through the day sometimes.
• I have been going for weekly testing to find out what is wrong with me. Oh wait, I mean try to find out what is wrong with me, because so far we have been unsuccessful at finding this out. By we, I mean me and the team of doctors.
• My niece Isabella was born, she is pretty darn cute and happened to arrive the only time her aunt was in Western PA all summer. Great timing kid!
• I went to the only wedding I could all summer, the one that I was in. That was after a month of pretty torturous therapy. 
• I still don't trust myself to drive long distances alone.
• The medicines just keep getting piled on, not taken off.
• I still feel horrible.... daily.
• The feeling of not being able to feel your feet and feel like they have a million pins and needles going through them is one of the worst feelings int he world.
• My surgeon has my best interest at heart, but I wish they didn't involve more shocking and more needles oh yeah and MRI's.
• I would love to wear a pair of jeans again.
• I just want to be normal... I want to be me.

I have officially passed 2 years of this misery that my body has been subjected too. I have seen countless doctors, I don't want to even know the amount of money I have paid out, or the amount of times I have been pricked by a needle. Honestly now it just feels like every day life and that makes me sick. I want to be a normal 31 year old who can go out and have fun and not have to feel like I feel every day. Knowing that moving 1 box is going to put me into such pain I won't be able to move.

I mean when the doctors told me I may have MS all I wanted to do was cry, every time they touch me I cry. That is no way to go through your life. I want to be happy again.

So tonight I go in for a sleep study and tomorrow I head in for a brain and spine MRI. None of which I am looking forward to, but I need both of them. I am not sure how they think you are suppose to sleep well with a bunch of little electrodes hooked up to you and people staring at you, but I guess I will give it a try. 

Time for reflection

My depression has kicked up majorly lately. Even with the medications, I just can't seem to work my way out of this deep hole I seem to be sitting at the bottom of.

I was messaging and old friend today and I told her that is exactly how I felt. It is so hard to admit it and really the only way to describe how I feel without someone worrying that I may harm myself. The one thing I do not have is a feeling of harm. What I want to do is run as far away as possible from what I know to be my life.

What amazes me is how different my life has become since August 2011 and how different I have become. I have become the person that I do not recognize any more. I am so upset with how everything seems to be going, that I don't know who I am any more.

The silliest of things makes me cry like crazy and then I just cannot seem to stop once I get started.

Today I made a call to see a pain psychologist here in PA, because I just do not know what else to do. I need someone to talk to who can help me work through this. My brain already constantly sends pain signals all over my body making everything from inside to the outside feel absolutely miserably.

I keep telling myself that it will make me stronger,  I pray that it will make me stronger, and as the days go by  I have a harder time believing that it is actually happening.

And you know you have a problem when...

ALL YOU DO IS GO TO THE DOCTORS!

You know I have gotten use to the whole weekly or bi-weekly treatments I was getting. Right now those days are long gone until this infection takes a hike up the river.

I went to the infectious disease doctor today and they took some samples and decided that I am still staying on IV antibiotics for another 7-10 days along with the other antibiotics that I am on.

Right now I am so sick of medicine. I fall asleep for no reason during the day, everything hurts and makes everything else worse.

I feel like I really do live in a hole, one that I can't crawl out of. I want to cry all of the time, because everything is so dam overwhelming.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have no social life and all of my friends well I only get to see them if I am visiting for doctors appointments. I am not fully sure the last time I really went out and had a good time. I am worried about not being able to go to a very close friends wedding in a few weeks, because I cannot fly to get there. I want an escape from what has turned into my reality.

These past two years have been a literal hell for me. I know that at some point I will catch a break, and they always say you hit your break when you are at your all time low. Well I am at that all time low and I am reaching as far as I can to get out.

Now there are a few things that make me different where people can see something is wrong on the outside: the pain in my face, my walking cane for balance and the PICC line in my right arm.

Disability takes on many forms and this is mine: chronic severe pelvic pain coupled with a horrible infection in my left leg right now. Along with numerous other things including very severe depression.

An update on what my life now is...

Honestly I don't even know where to start on this right now, but I need to clear my head and just try and get this out.

My surgery back in April resulted in a bad infection, one we are still trying to narrow down. I went back in three weeks later for another surgery where they flushed my leg out with solution and medication. I have a PICC line installed and am taking IV antibiotics. I will be working directly with the home health care here.

After a month and a half of this going back and forth my doctor has decided it is best for me to be down here and make sure we get everything taken care of. So between dealing with my surgeon, the infectious disease doctor, and the hospital.

I am so thankful for my very helpful friends who live in the DC area, who allow me to stay at their houses because I really do not know how I would do this without them.

I go to doctors constantly, I feel the my life is just going to the doctors. I feel like I can barely keep it all straight any more. I feel horrible mentally and physically. My body is just so tired of trying to fight what is going on that I feel that it doesn't want to do this any more.

So now I am looking at finding a place for next week and looking to get fully treated by the best doctors I can get to, here in the DC area.

My life needs a change, my body needs rest (I feel like I sleep the best when they put me under anesthesia), and if there was any time to take vacation from everything in life, it would be right now.

I know there are more things I want to say, but right now I think my brain is still trying to process it all. One of the hardest things in the world is going from being a fast paced, fun loving person to someone who lives in a deep depression and in constant pain. Your life changes so drastically. I know I am now alone out there, but it is probably one of the hardest things in the world to admit.

This is not something any of us should take lightly no matter what health issue we have. IC can control your life, pain can, nerves, some of the tiniest parts of our body can just make us miserable and you cannot stop until you find out how to fix it. It may be exhausting, but DON"t give up no matter how much you may want to. I have to tell myself this daily and I will continue to until I am me again.

Getting closer and getting older

Well my 31st birthday has officially come and gone. The month of March is always a crazy one for me as there is so much work to be done, it just seems to never, ever end.

I have decided today that a small bit of retail therapy is going to be my answer to happiness as I plan to go to the mall and quickly I hope find some earrings that I like along with maybe a few other small things.

I have less than a month until surgery, which I am starting to get antsy about. It has started to hit me more this week along with everything else moving in. I also am trying to figure out what is making me randomly fall asleep at the drop of a pin during the day. I fell asleep while driving the other day and almost got in a bad accident. Luckily I was close to a friends, so I was able to pull over safely and take a nap.

I am not sure if this is my medication messing with me or if it is my body saying back the heck up what are you doing?!?!

Either way I do not like it, it scares me. Everything about all of this scares me. Not feeling normal scares me. Not thinking that I will ever have a normal life/relationship scares me.

Today is just one of those days where I am a huge what if? Basically I feel like my life is a big question mark, filled with hundreds of tiny questions. It is strange to think of what I have been through in the past two years, the fact that I went un-diagnosed for so long, which compared to many is not that long as I have learned in talking to my doctor.

I guess the best thing I can say about that is to always be your own advocate, never give up when you know something is truly wrong with your body. You fight and push through it until you get the answers you are looking for, I know I did, but I also know that I had the biggest fear that the doctor would tell me it was all in my head. I knew that was not the case, I am tough and can handle a lot, but I had hit my breaking point. I had never been that depressed in my entire life. Mental illness really is an issue that people have and for many like myself it goes without treatment or a diagnosis, which just leads to worse things in the end.

Anyhow that is enough rambling for today. If anyone actually does read my blog, you probably think geez this girl is all over the place today... well I am and it is exactly how I feel.

Every celebration seems to end with pain

This past weekend I celebrated my 31st birthday. It was great to have some of my family in to visit for the weekend and do some running around, which we did on Saturday.  I also made reservations and we went out to dinner and had a few friends meet up with all of us. Then we went out to my favorite bar in town and celebrated for the rest of the evening.

On Sunday we got up and I knew it was going to be one of those bad days. Why you may ask? Well I was at a moderate pain level the day before and I was tired from all of the running around we did, so I knew eventually I would not be so lucky and things would catch up to me as they usually do.

So yesterday it hit and wouldn't you know it but I spent the majority of my actual birthday alone, laying on the couch with a heating pad praying that my pain would go away. Today has started out just as rough and I can only hope that tomorrow will be better. I am down to just about a month away from surgery and as scared as I am about the whole thing, I know that my body needs it, because my body needs to get better and is in a very bad state right now.

I keep telling my self that 2013 will be my year and I still have 9 months to see that really pull through for me.

Someday I will feel like I can live like a normal person and be the woman that I know that I can be, I just hope that time gets here soon.

I will say I was extremely surprised at the kindness of friends here and far away on birthday, just knowing that I have so many people that were thinking of me is a great thought to have. Even though ninety percent of them have no idea what is going on with me personally. This internal struggle to try and be the person I was just a few years ago has been very hard.

There is so much talk about mental illness these days, especially with the shootings that have happened. I don't think anyone realizes how bad of a hold depression can take on someone unless they have personally lived through it or gone through it with a close friend or loved one. It really does make you feel like a person that you are not. It is like being in this dark hole all alone and at the very bottom and not knowing how to get out. Sometimes you can function enough to do daily tasks and other times you just can't.

I know that happens to me a lot, I will get through everything I need to do during the week, but the minute I am done I am home and in my room. Then on the weekends I just don't want to get out of bed.

Did I ever think this is what my life wold be like at the age of 31? No not at all... but I do know that I am working through it the best that I can.

The Trouble with Travel

To any of my followers (if any of you are out there) with IC, you know that traveling can be a severe pain.... literally!

Saturday I was to make a 4+ hour drive to Ithaca, NY. I was packed and ready the night before I decided I would go to bed and get a good nights sleep, which I did. Then it hit me, I went to get out of bed when my alarm went off and I was struck with the wall of pain the minute I moved.

I had a bunch of errands to run and things I wanted to do and I just felt absolutely miserable. So that makes at least five of seven days last week that I really could not function properly. It is really getting annoying.

Either way I made the trip, the rental car I got had heated seats so that made the trip a little more bearable.

Sunday was a bunch of running around and I just felt horrible, then driving home again after the event didn't help.

Today I feel like a waste of space, my pain is up, my body just wants to fully shut down and I am fighting it every step of the way because I have to be at work and have to get things done.

This is no way to live life.

The good news: less than 2 weeks until my birthday!

This is really getting old

Well my surgery is less than 2 months away... check that is on the calendar.
Doctors appointments weekly... check that is still on the calendar.
Feeling miserable a lot... takes over my entire life!

The past few days have just been absolutely horrible, the pain was just unbearable even with the medicaitons and stronger medications. I feel like my body has surpassed the boundary of what pain really should be and it made it worse.  I was so just overwhelmed I almost called and cancelled my appointment because I did not want to be in the car for four  hours. I am glad I went and we are trying out another medication I hope that will help, but it will take a little time before we see any changes.

Of course I was asked if I could move the surgery up and I said not a chance, to any of my wrestling fan friends, you obviously know why. Speaking of wrestling we took a huge hit this week with the IOC, dropping wrestling starting at the 2020 games, which is just bull!

I feel like I am doing everything to just keep myself together and that is taking everything that I have right now. I told my doctor let's just get through the next eight weeks and then figure it out from there. Then I will deal with the surgery and what I am going to do about that. Not to mention in the middle of all of this is my birthday, I never thought this is what my life would be like as I was getting ready to turn 31. In all honesty I thought I would be married by now with the beginnings of a family. I guess you never know where life will take you, but I know part of that road it won't be taking me on.

But since I was 29 I feel like all I have known in my life is this horrible pain that just creates a black whole. Yesterday I told my doctor that I literally could not get out of bed, every fiber of my being said no. It was such a challenge. I am thankful that I have understanding doctors. As of April 18th it will have been a year since I first saw this specialist, and March 29th marks the first surgery that lead me into this spiral of life.

Well all I can say is that my hope is still that my 31st year on this earth will still be a good one to me.

What a day, 397 miles traveled, 2 appointments

So yesterday I had two appointments one was in Silver Spring, MD and the other in Bethlehem, PA.

I left my house before 6 am and did not make my appointment in Silver Spring due to horrible traffic on the Beltway. I got there 45 minutes late which they worked me into the schedule since I called and told them I was having issues.  I am extremely lucky to have doctors that are so understanding.

So besides being extremely frustrated from traffic, being that I already have all of these crazy problems... it just adds to my severe pain. The surgeon was pleased with my EMG results from last week, because the function of muscles and nerves in my left leg are normal. What is not normal however are the sensory nerves that are in my groin area, where I always have pain. So we discussed what options were out there for a long-term solution to getting myself out of this pain. That lead us to where the doctor was expecting to go which is a nerve decompression.

Of course it is not normal to want to have to get cut open again, but in this case I want to be out of pain so bad that I will take making it worse to get better. That is what happened with my surgery in September so I have a good outlook on this even though it is an extra stress to my life right now in the busiest part of my work year. I have scheduled the surgery for April 9th and will have a long recovery. The good news is that the doctor does want me exercising, I can continue walking on the treadmill and I am to add swimming two times a week as well. He wants me to strengthen my body as much as I can, even though I am not allowed to lift or do anything too strenuous.

I was warned in advance that the surgery will be invasive and it will be painful, I am to expect a lot of pain after and  that my physical therapy after will also be difficult.

Then I had the drive to Bethlehem, which was long and miserable. I had the worst case of road rage ever as I was worried I would be late to my appointment, I made it just in time which was good. In the mean time I had an issue with work and I had to find a Starbucks to get the internet. I was just stressed in every way possible.

At my second appointment of the day, I talked with the doctor and we altered some of my medications to try and help in the mean time, which makes me feel kind of foggy today (it probably doesn't help much that I did not sleep well and then hit the gym at 5 am).  The doctor feels that he thinks that having this surgery will help calm everything else down as it is so painful right now. So I will continue getting treatments as well in the mean time.

I then talked with my doctor on how hard this is to try and talk to people about, because I just don't feel that people fully understand how miserable this feeling really is. He said that is extremely common from his patients and that it is something hard to explain and for people to understand. He once again told me however that this is something that is more common that we think when it comes to the IC and the issues within the pelvic floor (I have other issues going on as well, see the surgery remarks above).

I wish it was easier to talk about and for people to truly understand the pain that this causes. This will be my 3rd surgery in a year's time.

Right now I need to focus on everything else I have going on and in the mean time just try and make sure I am taking care of myself.

My spleen is better than your spleen...

Yes that is exactly what I called and told my 24 year old brother today. A few weeks ago he went into the hospital with acute pain, it just ended up he has a bruised spleen and potentially an ego since he got it playing  basketball at work.

So I know my spleen is ok because of the CT Scan I received last week. Anyhow, they were looking for a hernia which they did not find or anything abnormal in my pelvis, which they did not find. There are some calcifications in my gallbladder though, which could mean that may need to come out here soon if it begins to bother me.

So now we are looking at my problem is strictly in my nerves, my femoral nerve and another nerve in my leg I do not remember the name of. I received a nerve block today which took away that pain, but that is temporary for only a few hours.

My doctor has ordered some other test on the femoral nerve that I need to have done before we decide to go any further with treatment. So this could mean another surgery in my left groin area. I need to wait and see what is going on and it is a horrible time of the year with the holidays and work so I am sure I won't get this appointment until later in January. I was also told I cannot go alone so I am going to have to find a friend to drag to Baltimore with me.

So my anxiety about the CT Scan results is better, but now I have all of these other thoughts racing through my head. In all reality I want this to end. Today is 12-12-12 a very strange date on the calendar that well is a once in a lifetime type of day and I spent most of it at the doctors getting this news.

All I can say is that I am really ready for 2013 and I hope it brings better things for my health and my life.

I have decided I am going to start doing more physical activity it is going to hurt, but I am not going to make it through working my next few events without it.

Why can't life just be easy... I hate feeling this way.

Starting to see some changes

Well luckily my pain from the surgery is finally starting to diminish, the incisions still hurt so I still only wear sweat pants and things that don't push against my incisions.

I really don't have much energy still, sometimes I wonder how I make it through a full day. I am working to try and keep a fairly normal schedule, so doing the mandatory physical therapy is hard. I went to the gym again yesterday for therapy and I just felt even less energy.

Things that haven't changed much in terms of I feel better reclined than sitting straight up and down and I still limp a good bit from time to time because of the pain. I hope that eventually this will go away.

I need to work on keeping my body healthy and eating better. I have been trying, but man stress eating really gets me when I feel like this.

I see the doctor in two weeks so I will be interested to see how he feels that I am progressing.

The one thing that is still left out is my actual amount of being social, by the time I am done doing whatever I am suppose to do that day, I just want to come home and do nothing.

Getting ready for surgery... is not fun at all

Life lately has been so overly stressful, it is crazy. I am trying to get things together in my life at home, at work, and with myself.

Well trying to make sure your house is in order for when you get back from surgery is just plain frustrating. I spent most of Saturday running errands and picking up medications and all other forms of things needed for the house to make sure that  everything is ready when I return.

Trying to find some new furniture is also not helping at all which we are in need of since my roommate moved out so there are definitely some blank spots in the house which are just plain annoying to me right now.

Work is stressing me out, I know I have an event on November 3rd, but most of what is going on won't be going on for a few weeks either way.

So far this morning getting some laundry done, then more cleaning of the house to come this afternoon and picking up all of my prescriptions which is going to be one huge bill that I am not looking forward to at this point.

Either way I have to get through this and I can because I am strong and I have to keep telling myself that. I don't need to breakdown, even though I know that I will between now and Tuesday. Either way I can do this, it is just going to be really, really hard.

Anxiety... Wow

Due to unforscne  circumstances I ended up have two appointments today: one for my injections and installations and he other for physical therapy.

I have been in ugh pain lately that the nerve blocks hurt much worse than usual. My doctor knows of he anxiety I'm having with he surgery so I need to find some constructive ways to relax this weekend to get through it all.

I did get a few phone calls from old friends which made me miss home a lot.

One thing is that i have actually old more people about this surgery and people have been so sweet and supportive. That really means a lot, I just dont know what I would do without my friends.

So here is to getting through Friday.

Epic Fail so far this moring

We all know Monday's can be a bit of a drag, well especially after that loss the Steelers had last night, no I am not yet over it. That is ok we will get them back.

Anyhow so off to work today, this is my last week before I head in for surgery so a lot needs to get accomplished. 

As I sit here in pain I realize that I forgot to pack my pain pills, so there is my epic fail of the day so far. I can't believe I did that. So ibuprofen it is for me for the day I guess, which won't touch me at all.

Now someday's I really wish what makes me feel worse, because I haven't really been able to figure that out just yet but I really hope that this surgery helps me with the pain levels. 

I sent an email into my local news station this weekend, hoping to get them to run on health segment on IC, I will follow up with them here this week, awareness is key! 

That is all for now... back to work as I have a lot to get done.

Also my reports are back and it looks like all of my test done last week to be cleared for surgery are good to go.

Today is that BAD pain day

So I woke up this morning at 5 a.m. in horrible pain. I got up and went to the bathroom and then laid back in bed and grabbed onto my pillows.

The odd thing my pain was on my right side which is highly unusual for me. Either way it has yet to be a good morning. I took all of my medications including a full dose of pain medication this morning, after I got out of the shower I had to lay down with my heating pad before getting ready for work. Thank God I can wear sweatpants to work, so I threw on my Under Armour Gear and walked out the door, if nothing else I look stylish, in black and yellow.

So here I sit attempting to get work done, with a heating pad and my Empi unit on trying to drive my pain down. This is just the worst feeling ever. It probably does not help that my stress level has been bad lately. Trying to coordinate this surgery is just so hard, but I know that my body needs it.

Yes, I realize it is only going to fix one part of my probably but if I can get my pain to more manageable levels I feel like I can be my  normal self again.

I would give anything to feel normal again...

The highs and lows of life

Labor Day... the official end of summer. Well I spent it laying in bed and on the couch, but I will say my Thursday and Friday night activities were completely worth it. I can definitely tell that my depression takes some high and low swings lately, which I should probably talk to my doctor about.

It was amazing being able to be part of two of my dearest friends wedding on Friday night. I met some wonderful new people and saw some old friends as well. It was a great time and I made sure to live it up as much as possible. It was great to see so many happy people together celebrating two of my old roommates getting married. (Mental note to self, dancing seems like a great idea, but in the end makes my body feel so much worse) I was just so happy to share in this day and meet all of their awesome friends and family that for a little bit it helped me forget that I felt so miserable.

That is me in the middle, proof that you can look pretty darn good and feel absolutely miserable all at the same time.

That decision though I regretfully paid for all weekend as I felt miserable and could barely move, going into work on Tuesday was rough.

In the mean time I am trying to logistically put together this whole surgery process and how all of it is going to work. I must say I thank God that I have great friends who are going to help me get through all of this.

Tentative Surgery Date...

I went to DC to see the nerve specialist on Friday, I knew that I was going down to get a consultation for surgery, but the whole thing ht me a lot harder than I anticipated.

I have never in my life had two surgeries in one year, these are placed six months apart. So I am getting ready to figure out how to transplant my life for a little bit. I have to take two weeks off of work, which I don't have to take off due to all of the medical issues this year.

So the surgeon is talking about a 2 1/2 hour surgery that will be removing/displacing three of my nerves in my pelvis, this will take away the pain once I am healed, but will involve quite a bit of pain during recovery. These are sensory nerves so they can be taken out without effecting movement in my leg.

The doctor is unsure if I will need another surgery at this point to hep with other nerves but it is possible.

So I will be staying down in DC for about a week once I have the surgery incase I have any complications. Either way this is not exactly what I thought I would be, all I can do is hope that it allows me to lead a more normal life than I currently am.

I had a good bit of an anxiety attack after leaving the doctors and on the drive home last night. Today hasn't been much better, but I am just trying to make it.

So as of right now September 18th is the date.

My one year anniversary

Wow, that sure feels like a sad thing to say. I have extremely mixed feelings on saying it is my one year anniversary of feeling miserable this month. My symptoms started in early August 2011 and just continued to get worse as the days went on. (Let me just explain to anyone this is not how you want to live your life or spend the rest of your summer).

So it makes me reflect back on the past year which has been quite the roller coaster of a journey:

• I have been to so many doctors and doctors appointments I lost count.
• The amount of money I have spent going to the doctors and on medications literally makes me sick.
• When my pain gets to a certain level that also makes me sick.
• I have had one diagnostic surgery which just put me in more pain, which happened in March. The good thing, I know my reproductive system is good.
• I also cannot remember the actual list of medications that I am on, thank God for a good Pharmacists. 
• I have had to do some travel and labor intensive work, that is the nature of my job. I cannot fathom how truly strong my body is some days to make it through these events. It is almost scary to realize the level of pain that I am in that my body somehow functions with. 
• There has been a lot of reflecting on my part, about who I am and what I want. Also the people that I can truly call friends and who were there for me when I needed it.  It is so hard being out on your own and not having a significant other. I am very blessed to have some good friends who have been there for me. I wish some days my family and best friend were not so far away, but sometimes life just takes you different directions.
• This should not come as a shock to those who have known me for a long time but I have a very hard time opening up about my feelings. It took me months to start telling people I was having problems. After my diagnosis in April, I couldn't talk about it without crying like a baby... I am finally getting better about that. Although I find it interesting some people I seem to have no issue saying what my issue is to and others I do. 
• I have shed more tears this year than I can ever remember. My hormones hate me, my body hates me and well the medicine is a whole other story.
• The medications that I can't keep straight I have to keep in an a.m./p.m. pill case. Definitely not where I thought I would be when I hit 30 years old.
• I thank God for finding the right doctor who is working to get me better along with his team.
• I think I am finally turning a corner where I can fathom the thought of allowing a person close to me, physically and mentally. Eventually I will get there and maybe someday I will meet the right guy, but for now I am still just trying to focus on getting better.

I can only imagine now that there are other women out there going through these problems and have no idea where to turn, I guess all I can say to that is don't give up.

One doctor early on in this journey, looked at me and said what do you think is wrong with your body? I told him my thoughts and he said you seem to know your body pretty well and I would say what you think is right, because you do not belong in my office. So if nothing else I have found some doctors that seem to listen pretty well.

This is not really an anniversary to celebrate, because well just like how I feel right now it is painful, but I am going to keep pushing through until I get to where I need to be. Right now I am where I need to be and getting my proper treatment. Tomorrow brings another appointment with a nerve specialist, which should set me up for a surgical procedure, hopefully sooner than later and put me on the path to wellness.

Another photo I found that sums up many of my thoughts, not sure of it's origin but it was floating around on Facebook and I find the words to be so very true. 

More Travel

The past few weeks have been crazy and unfortunately I have not had a chance to blog much. I will say my body does not take travel as well as it use to that is for sure.

I got back from Florida on August 8th, had my normal doctor appointments on the 13th and 15th and then headed to New Orleans for a conference on the 16th.

I have always pushed myself too much and I know that I do it, but I really enjoy having fun and meeting new people. So I have to say this past weekend was an absolute blast, but my body needs some serious recovery time.

On Saturday I hit a very high pain day, so bad it was going almost the whole way down my leg which was just miserable, it literally made me sick.  The only saving grace I had was the fact that I had my portable Empi Unit with me to help relieve some of the pain, now the bigger issue is getting my insurace to keep paying for that because right now they are only giving me 2 months with it.

I don't want to get started on health care and insurance becuase I am lucky to have coverage but when you have a serious problem that will not go away and they have the ability to completely limit the type of care that you can get is just so disheartening and honestly just adds to the depression (not to mention the amount of money I am paying). I mean what do I do when I don't have coverage for physical therapy any more or I can't keep my unit to help me control my pain? Thinking about it makes me want to cry so I try not to, but at some point I fully have to address this... I don't know when I have the time.

Did I mention I really just want to be a normal 30 year old... whatever that is exactly.