This past weekend I celebrated my 31st birthday. It was great to have some of my family in to visit for the weekend and do some running around, which we did on Saturday. I also made reservations and we went out to dinner and had a few friends meet up with all of us. Then we went out to my favorite bar in town and celebrated for the rest of the evening.
On Sunday we got up and I knew it was going to be one of those bad days. Why you may ask? Well I was at a moderate pain level the day before and I was tired from all of the running around we did, so I knew eventually I would not be so lucky and things would catch up to me as they usually do.
So yesterday it hit and wouldn't you know it but I spent the majority of my actual birthday alone, laying on the couch with a heating pad praying that my pain would go away. Today has started out just as rough and I can only hope that tomorrow will be better. I am down to just about a month away from surgery and as scared as I am about the whole thing, I know that my body needs it, because my body needs to get better and is in a very bad state right now.
I keep telling my self that 2013 will be my year and I still have 9 months to see that really pull through for me.
Someday I will feel like I can live like a normal person and be the woman that I know that I can be, I just hope that time gets here soon.
I will say I was extremely surprised at the kindness of friends here and far away on birthday, just knowing that I have so many people that were thinking of me is a great thought to have. Even though ninety percent of them have no idea what is going on with me personally. This internal struggle to try and be the person I was just a few years ago has been very hard.
There is so much talk about mental illness these days, especially with the shootings that have happened. I don't think anyone realizes how bad of a hold depression can take on someone unless they have personally lived through it or gone through it with a close friend or loved one. It really does make you feel like a person that you are not. It is like being in this dark hole all alone and at the very bottom and not knowing how to get out. Sometimes you can function enough to do daily tasks and other times you just can't.
I know that happens to me a lot, I will get through everything I need to do during the week, but the minute I am done I am home and in my room. Then on the weekends I just don't want to get out of bed.
Did I ever think this is what my life wold be like at the age of 31? No not at all... but I do know that I am working through it the best that I can.
No comments:
Post a Comment