It doesn't end

I swear every day is a battle, if I make it through it, I have survived another day. Right now that statement is getting harder and harder to conceptualize.

I went to the ER today because I feel that something else is wrong with my body, apparently they just think I have anxiety and I feel that the doctor completely dismissed me. 

They didn't listen and nothing was fixed.

Not only do I feel like the loneliest person on the island I think I am the only one there and I really cannot take much more of this.

Something new is wrong,

I do hope it is only temporary, but this past week if I didn't know any better I would say I have rheumatoid arthritis. I hurt all over on top of my horrible pain.

I swear it never ends, my body is so tired of fighting and I know my life is never going to be the same again.

So I will continue calling my Infectious Disease doctor until I get an answer. Will it go away or do I need to check myself into the hospital and make someone run tons of test on me.

The Neverending Story

First off this used to be one of my absolute favorite movies growing up. Now I think it might better serve what I currently refer to as my life. 

I once again m back in DC/Maryland for doctor visits. The good news is that this nuisance in my arm can finally come out, the downside I will still be taking two oral antibiotics twice daily for another two weeks.

Next we do get to do something different, I head to the physiatrist to find out how/what needs to be done for my physical therapy and there we are still a LONG way from being over. 

My body hurts, the antibiotics are not helping that. My pain has only gotten worse not better. I am exhausted all the time and I never really sleep week 3 I think there.

Nothing is easy, everything that should be a ut and dry situation turns into a fiasco.

I need to focus on me, I need to get better. I do not care at this point what other people think or want because my number 1 priority is ME! Yes I said it and I sure as hell mean it.

I have been fighting this for so long every day I just want to throw in the towel, yet everyday I have a small hope that the next will be better.

Yes, you are right, this should not be the thoughts of a 31 year old educated female.... Well they are.

Depression is miserable, depression because of severe chronic pain is even more miserable. When you are the person that the drug commercial talks about...you have a severe problem.

I want to be myself again, but I fear that will never happen. Why you my ask? Well the Tammy that has gone through all of this has learned some new things and I also know that things many people take for granted like having a baby is not something I will experience. Yes my outlook as a 31 year old has changed for sure.

My medical knowledge has increased as well, because it had too. I need to know what they are telling me.

What I know: 

1. I am a very broken person

2. "Friends" disappear very quickly when things get tough. The ones that don't... DO NOT ever let them go.

3. Life changes way too fast

It is that time of year again

What I mean by, "It is that time of year again," is that it is Wedding Season. I feel like by now the weddings should be slowing down, but they definitely are not. Last year I went to six weddings.

This year I have had roughly the same amount, however I have had to cancel out of two of them because of how sick I was. Both of these decisions have been hard and I waited until last minute because I very much wanted to be there. I have spent a lot of time recently crying as depression has begun to rule my life and everything about it. Including what I do.

Now there are other contributors to this effect as well. I am not sleeping, literally, I did not sleep one minute last night. My pain has been horrible, I don't move around too well and I have very little energy.

I still have my PICC line in and over the next two weeks have a pretty grueling schedule of doctor appointments coming up. I do hope that my team of doctors can do more to help get me to a better place. I do hope that getting rid of the infection will be one of the first starts to this whole progression.

Sometimes it is so hard to look up, to get out of bed or even leave the house. I feel that the little person inside me wants to get out and just can't.

I wonder where to pick up from and I am not able to seem to find it.

Crash into me...

I feel as if I have two realities and they are colliding right now. I do not know where to begin or really even what to say, but that is how I feel.

Our bodies are only meant to take so much pain and suffering. I want to be me again... Although even when I get there, that will be a changed me. There is no way I could go through this and not come out changed, in what ways yet...that is what I really do not know.

Heck,I can't even get a good nights sleep, maybe 2-3 hours max right now. This is going on week 3 of this.

I have so much anxiety, something I never had before.

I want to be me, but for that to happen, I think that my: body, mind and soul need to crash ack into each other.