Crash into me...

I feel as if I have two realities and they are colliding right now. I do not know where to begin or really even what to say, but that is how I feel.

Our bodies are only meant to take so much pain and suffering. I want to be me again... Although even when I get there, that will be a changed me. There is no way I could go through this and not come out changed, in what ways yet...that is what I really do not know.

Heck,I can't even get a good nights sleep, maybe 2-3 hours max right now. This is going on week 3 of this.

I have so much anxiety, something I never had before.

I want to be me, but for that to happen, I think that my: body, mind and soul need to crash ack into each other. 

Time for reflection

My depression has kicked up majorly lately. Even with the medications, I just can't seem to work my way out of this deep hole I seem to be sitting at the bottom of.

I was messaging and old friend today and I told her that is exactly how I felt. It is so hard to admit it and really the only way to describe how I feel without someone worrying that I may harm myself. The one thing I do not have is a feeling of harm. What I want to do is run as far away as possible from what I know to be my life.

What amazes me is how different my life has become since August 2011 and how different I have become. I have become the person that I do not recognize any more. I am so upset with how everything seems to be going, that I don't know who I am any more.

The silliest of things makes me cry like crazy and then I just cannot seem to stop once I get started.

Today I made a call to see a pain psychologist here in PA, because I just do not know what else to do. I need someone to talk to who can help me work through this. My brain already constantly sends pain signals all over my body making everything from inside to the outside feel absolutely miserably.

I keep telling myself that it will make me stronger,  I pray that it will make me stronger, and as the days go by  I have a harder time believing that it is actually happening.

Post-op Appointment

So I went to see my normal doctor today, for my post-op check up and get my normal nerve blocks and instillation.

This was my first big outing since the surgery by myself, which included a two hour drive there and a two hour drive back home in pretty bad rain.

Well I did not end up getting my treatments, but I did talk to the doctor about the pain I am in, not sleeping at night and my recovery time. Next week I start water physical therapy, which I am not looking forward to, but I have to do it.

Going through this does not at any point get easier, it just seems to be getting harder even though I feel like it should be getting easier, since I have been being treated since April.

Now I know that surgery is a trauma to my body, which means the body will go into a state of shock and be miserable for a period of time while it heals itself. I know that is the stage that I am in right now, but I feel like there is no end in sight even though I know at some point there will be.

I am glad I have my friends to talk to, but sometimes going to the doctors alone while dealing with this can be really hard. The only time throughout this that I have taken someone with me was when my friend Brooke came with me to surgery two weeks ago.

The fact that it is exactly two weeks to the day that I had surgery, I just need to keep pushing on, no matter how hard it hurts.

Getting ready for surgery... is not fun at all

Life lately has been so overly stressful, it is crazy. I am trying to get things together in my life at home, at work, and with myself.

Well trying to make sure your house is in order for when you get back from surgery is just plain frustrating. I spent most of Saturday running errands and picking up medications and all other forms of things needed for the house to make sure that  everything is ready when I return.

Trying to find some new furniture is also not helping at all which we are in need of since my roommate moved out so there are definitely some blank spots in the house which are just plain annoying to me right now.

Work is stressing me out, I know I have an event on November 3rd, but most of what is going on won't be going on for a few weeks either way.

So far this morning getting some laundry done, then more cleaning of the house to come this afternoon and picking up all of my prescriptions which is going to be one huge bill that I am not looking forward to at this point.

Either way I have to get through this and I can because I am strong and I have to keep telling myself that. I don't need to breakdown, even though I know that I will between now and Tuesday. Either way I can do this, it is just going to be really, really hard.

Anxiety... Wow

Due to unforscne  circumstances I ended up have two appointments today: one for my injections and installations and he other for physical therapy.

I have been in ugh pain lately that the nerve blocks hurt much worse than usual. My doctor knows of he anxiety I'm having with he surgery so I need to find some constructive ways to relax this weekend to get through it all.

I did get a few phone calls from old friends which made me miss home a lot.

One thing is that i have actually old more people about this surgery and people have been so sweet and supportive. That really means a lot, I just dont know what I would do without my friends.

So here is to getting through Friday.

Today is that BAD pain day

So I woke up this morning at 5 a.m. in horrible pain. I got up and went to the bathroom and then laid back in bed and grabbed onto my pillows.

The odd thing my pain was on my right side which is highly unusual for me. Either way it has yet to be a good morning. I took all of my medications including a full dose of pain medication this morning, after I got out of the shower I had to lay down with my heating pad before getting ready for work. Thank God I can wear sweatpants to work, so I threw on my Under Armour Gear and walked out the door, if nothing else I look stylish, in black and yellow.

So here I sit attempting to get work done, with a heating pad and my Empi unit on trying to drive my pain down. This is just the worst feeling ever. It probably does not help that my stress level has been bad lately. Trying to coordinate this surgery is just so hard, but I know that my body needs it.

Yes, I realize it is only going to fix one part of my probably but if I can get my pain to more manageable levels I feel like I can be my  normal self again.

I would give anything to feel normal again...

The highs and lows of life

Labor Day... the official end of summer. Well I spent it laying in bed and on the couch, but I will say my Thursday and Friday night activities were completely worth it. I can definitely tell that my depression takes some high and low swings lately, which I should probably talk to my doctor about.

It was amazing being able to be part of two of my dearest friends wedding on Friday night. I met some wonderful new people and saw some old friends as well. It was a great time and I made sure to live it up as much as possible. It was great to see so many happy people together celebrating two of my old roommates getting married. (Mental note to self, dancing seems like a great idea, but in the end makes my body feel so much worse) I was just so happy to share in this day and meet all of their awesome friends and family that for a little bit it helped me forget that I felt so miserable.

That is me in the middle, proof that you can look pretty darn good and feel absolutely miserable all at the same time.

That decision though I regretfully paid for all weekend as I felt miserable and could barely move, going into work on Tuesday was rough.

In the mean time I am trying to logistically put together this whole surgery process and how all of it is going to work. I must say I thank God that I have great friends who are going to help me get through all of this.

Depression SUCKS

So after returning home from the DC area on Friday evening, I really felt like things were hitting me really hard and that I was honestly all alone. I know that is not necessarily the case, but it is how you feel when you are depressed.

I did run a few errands on Saturday morning that I had to do and then I came home and literally laid in bed for hours. I was able to talk to my best friend for a bit which helped me think through things a little bit. I just honestly wanted to cry every time I thought about what was going on and what I need to get prepared for.

I even asked the pharmacist when I should bring everything in to get filled. I just feel so overwhelmed from top to bottom at this point and I almost feel like I don't know which way is up.

Last night I made myself leave the house and go to dinner, but I went alone and if nothing else had a great meal before coming home to watch TV and try and calm myself down without crying again.

Today was a little bit of the same. I went to church and then hit up the movie theater to see Batman, which was awesome, I wish I would have seen it earlier.

So a lot to get done this week and figured out at work, I don't even know where to start that and I think that is a huge point of anxiety for me right now.

So my biggest thought this weekend is how much depression sucks. I know I am taking medications to help, but I can say that I know for sure what I am experiencing is not helping to get me out of this hole I have fallen into. I can only hope that as my pain gets better and my quality of life gets better, so will this.

Always remember the people you see out may look normal but you never know what may be going on with them, so be kind.

Anyhow time to try and get some rest.

Tentative Surgery Date...

I went to DC to see the nerve specialist on Friday, I knew that I was going down to get a consultation for surgery, but the whole thing ht me a lot harder than I anticipated.

I have never in my life had two surgeries in one year, these are placed six months apart. So I am getting ready to figure out how to transplant my life for a little bit. I have to take two weeks off of work, which I don't have to take off due to all of the medical issues this year.

So the surgeon is talking about a 2 1/2 hour surgery that will be removing/displacing three of my nerves in my pelvis, this will take away the pain once I am healed, but will involve quite a bit of pain during recovery. These are sensory nerves so they can be taken out without effecting movement in my leg.

The doctor is unsure if I will need another surgery at this point to hep with other nerves but it is possible.

So I will be staying down in DC for about a week once I have the surgery incase I have any complications. Either way this is not exactly what I thought I would be, all I can do is hope that it allows me to lead a more normal life than I currently am.

I had a good bit of an anxiety attack after leaving the doctors and on the drive home last night. Today hasn't been much better, but I am just trying to make it.

So as of right now September 18th is the date.

More Travel

The past few weeks have been crazy and unfortunately I have not had a chance to blog much. I will say my body does not take travel as well as it use to that is for sure.

I got back from Florida on August 8th, had my normal doctor appointments on the 13th and 15th and then headed to New Orleans for a conference on the 16th.

I have always pushed myself too much and I know that I do it, but I really enjoy having fun and meeting new people. So I have to say this past weekend was an absolute blast, but my body needs some serious recovery time.

On Saturday I hit a very high pain day, so bad it was going almost the whole way down my leg which was just miserable, it literally made me sick.  The only saving grace I had was the fact that I had my portable Empi Unit with me to help relieve some of the pain, now the bigger issue is getting my insurace to keep paying for that because right now they are only giving me 2 months with it.

I don't want to get started on health care and insurance becuase I am lucky to have coverage but when you have a serious problem that will not go away and they have the ability to completely limit the type of care that you can get is just so disheartening and honestly just adds to the depression (not to mention the amount of money I am paying). I mean what do I do when I don't have coverage for physical therapy any more or I can't keep my unit to help me control my pain? Thinking about it makes me want to cry so I try not to, but at some point I fully have to address this... I don't know when I have the time.

Did I mention I really just want to be a normal 30 year old... whatever that is exactly.

Two weeks of craziness

On July 30th I headed to Ft. Lauderdale for our annual convention. You know what seems impossible? Running a 5 day event when you can hardly make it through 5 days of work.

So my plan was extra help to do my legwork, medicine, tens unit and the hot tub for heat. I used most of these modalities daily and told a few people they had to remind me to do my exercises daily, or I was to be yelled at.

Now what might have been harder when I was struggling after the long hours was explaining to the coaches who asked what was wrong with me. It always seems to be a fairly awkward conversation to have.

Either way it was a long week, with very little sleep but I made it through the week, with a lot of help. I admit that I completely crashed for the next few days, in fact it is Thursday and we ended Sunday and I still dont't feel like I am where I should be.

In fact all I want to do is sleep. I have had my moments of swinging emotions over the past few weeks, they vary quite easily it seems.

Now if only the pain would subside a little so I can attempt to get things done in my own life.

I did go see my family in Orlando for a day but I admit I was miserable and didn't want to do anything, so I am sure they were thrilled but also realized that this is serious and sait isn't changing that quickly.

Oh yeah did I mention that I haven't been to the doctors in two full weeks, which is strange since that is all I have done since the last week of March.

Tuesday, Tuesday...

Well inevitably it is Tuesday and really right now I feel so overwhelmed I want to cry. Which probably means when I go to the doctor tomorrow I will cry. Not necessarily because I am going to get at least 20 shots with gigantic needles, but because I am stressed and I need an outlet.

So my normal outlets:

• working out - can't do
• drinking - not suppose to do (and it makes me feel horrible)
• hanging out with friends - everyone is working
• sleep - well we all know how horrible I am at that

The sad thing is that it is only Tuesday, I still have so much more to get done tomorrow, which is crazy. This week is well turning into a mess already. I am trying to keep some control but I feel I don't have it.

My emotions are a mess (especially after a phone call I just had), we don't need to get into my trust issues with men at this point. All I want is to feel normal and not feel sick, tired, alone and in pain all the time.

Hopefully one night this week I can take some time to hang out with friends and go to a movie if nothing else, then on Saturday I have a wedding, which will be fun.

So basically my anxiety is at an all time high and I fear it may only get worse as the week goes on.... awesome.

Thursdays = My Breaking Point

Ok, so I have finally decided Thursday's are my breaking point. Today my alarm went off, I decided it was Saturday or Sunday I was not sure which and I decided I did not get out of bed.

The bigger problem, it is Thursday and I need to be at work.

Last week all I wanted to do was cry all day, today I feel the exact same way. I am just hoping I make it through the day without having a total meltdown about everything around me.

I am not sure how to fix this... well at least fully. My plate is pretty full at work and I have PT tonight then a late night conference call so all of that is not helping. The good news, tomorrow is Friday and I get to see some friends this weekend.

Who knows maybe I need to go see a counselor... not that I need another appointment in my life. All I can say is my two personal days need to get here ASAP, which is next Thursday and Friday. I can only hope that helps me get through July and August.

So hopefully writing this down now helps... obviously I do have some bigger problems that are playing into all of this. I just want all of this to end and to feel "normal" again, which I honestly don't think will ever happen.

Seriously, summertime is suppose to be my off season. AHHH!!!!