The Neverending Story

First off this used to be one of my absolute favorite movies growing up. Now I think it might better serve what I currently refer to as my life. 

I once again m back in DC/Maryland for doctor visits. The good news is that this nuisance in my arm can finally come out, the downside I will still be taking two oral antibiotics twice daily for another two weeks.

Next we do get to do something different, I head to the physiatrist to find out how/what needs to be done for my physical therapy and there we are still a LONG way from being over. 

My body hurts, the antibiotics are not helping that. My pain has only gotten worse not better. I am exhausted all the time and I never really sleep week 3 I think there.

Nothing is easy, everything that should be a ut and dry situation turns into a fiasco.

I need to focus on me, I need to get better. I do not care at this point what other people think or want because my number 1 priority is ME! Yes I said it and I sure as hell mean it.

I have been fighting this for so long every day I just want to throw in the towel, yet everyday I have a small hope that the next will be better.

Yes, you are right, this should not be the thoughts of a 31 year old educated female.... Well they are.

Depression is miserable, depression because of severe chronic pain is even more miserable. When you are the person that the drug commercial talks about...you have a severe problem.

I want to be myself again, but I fear that will never happen. Why you my ask? Well the Tammy that has gone through all of this has learned some new things and I also know that things many people take for granted like having a baby is not something I will experience. Yes my outlook as a 31 year old has changed for sure.

My medical knowledge has increased as well, because it had too. I need to know what they are telling me.

What I know: 

1. I am a very broken person

2. "Friends" disappear very quickly when things get tough. The ones that don't... DO NOT ever let them go.

3. Life changes way too fast

It is that time of year again

What I mean by, "It is that time of year again," is that it is Wedding Season. I feel like by now the weddings should be slowing down, but they definitely are not. Last year I went to six weddings.

This year I have had roughly the same amount, however I have had to cancel out of two of them because of how sick I was. Both of these decisions have been hard and I waited until last minute because I very much wanted to be there. I have spent a lot of time recently crying as depression has begun to rule my life and everything about it. Including what I do.

Now there are other contributors to this effect as well. I am not sleeping, literally, I did not sleep one minute last night. My pain has been horrible, I don't move around too well and I have very little energy.

I still have my PICC line in and over the next two weeks have a pretty grueling schedule of doctor appointments coming up. I do hope that my team of doctors can do more to help get me to a better place. I do hope that getting rid of the infection will be one of the first starts to this whole progression.

Sometimes it is so hard to look up, to get out of bed or even leave the house. I feel that the little person inside me wants to get out and just can't.

I wonder where to pick up from and I am not able to seem to find it.

A long over due update

I just realized that I had not blogged about how things have been going since the surgery, that really speaks to my state of mind lately as I barely remember what day it is.

First off, I must say that I have absolutely wonderful and amazing friends, I really do not know what I would do without them. Going through this whole process alone is hard and to my friend Angela and her family who opened up their home to me and took me to appointments for close to two weeks, I really can't give enough thanks. Those first two weeks were so difficult, especially after I came down with the infection. Truthfully at that point all I wanted to do is cry. I am always in pain, but that truly took things over the top.

To my friend Terra who has been with me since and essential been my chauffeur to many appointments and making sure I have what I need while at home has been a huge help these past few weeks as well. I don't know what I am going to do when I am back on my own. Hopefully by then I have the strength and I am able to do things on my own. 

The surgery so far from what we can tell was successful. The doctor found a lot of scar tissue in the area and also one of my nerves that had separated into two nerves. They were able to properly decompress the nerves and now it is just an action of how the healing goes. 

Unfortunately a few days after the surgery I noticed a red area, that at first I thought I had just left the ice on a little too long. The next day I knew that was not the case as my entire leg was red. The next thing I knew my leg was so swollen I could not put my underwear on, which completely freaked me out. (nothing about surgery is glamorous that is for sure).

I spent about a week and a half down in the DC area, before I returned home. Since then I have had even more appointments between my specialist and my surgeon. The stitches are now out, however the wound is not healed so I am working daily to steri-strip it myself and make sure nothing happens to it. Thank goodness for my first aid training and slight background in athletic training. 

Frustration is a big word too. Everything gets to me because I can't do it. I can't pick things up off the ground if I drop something. I can't drive, I can't go up and down stairs unless someone is here to watch me. The one time that I did it alone, I fell.

So the healing process has been hard, the next step right now is physical therapy. I will start that on Thursday and hopefully that begins to help.

I must say our bodies are amazing, because these three little nerves are causing me such agony and making everything so much harder to do. I will get through it, but it is not easy. That of course I already knew being that I have been dealing with this since August 2011. 

Right now trying to find the positive in things is very hard, but I am really working on it. I try each day to look  in a positive light even though it feels so hard.

Every celebration seems to end with pain

This past weekend I celebrated my 31st birthday. It was great to have some of my family in to visit for the weekend and do some running around, which we did on Saturday.  I also made reservations and we went out to dinner and had a few friends meet up with all of us. Then we went out to my favorite bar in town and celebrated for the rest of the evening.

On Sunday we got up and I knew it was going to be one of those bad days. Why you may ask? Well I was at a moderate pain level the day before and I was tired from all of the running around we did, so I knew eventually I would not be so lucky and things would catch up to me as they usually do.

So yesterday it hit and wouldn't you know it but I spent the majority of my actual birthday alone, laying on the couch with a heating pad praying that my pain would go away. Today has started out just as rough and I can only hope that tomorrow will be better. I am down to just about a month away from surgery and as scared as I am about the whole thing, I know that my body needs it, because my body needs to get better and is in a very bad state right now.

I keep telling my self that 2013 will be my year and I still have 9 months to see that really pull through for me.

Someday I will feel like I can live like a normal person and be the woman that I know that I can be, I just hope that time gets here soon.

I will say I was extremely surprised at the kindness of friends here and far away on birthday, just knowing that I have so many people that were thinking of me is a great thought to have. Even though ninety percent of them have no idea what is going on with me personally. This internal struggle to try and be the person I was just a few years ago has been very hard.

There is so much talk about mental illness these days, especially with the shootings that have happened. I don't think anyone realizes how bad of a hold depression can take on someone unless they have personally lived through it or gone through it with a close friend or loved one. It really does make you feel like a person that you are not. It is like being in this dark hole all alone and at the very bottom and not knowing how to get out. Sometimes you can function enough to do daily tasks and other times you just can't.

I know that happens to me a lot, I will get through everything I need to do during the week, but the minute I am done I am home and in my room. Then on the weekends I just don't want to get out of bed.

Did I ever think this is what my life wold be like at the age of 31? No not at all... but I do know that I am working through it the best that I can.

Make your time count

It is officially one week until Christmas. I tell you what, Christmas has completely overwhelmed me this year in every way possible.  I did manage to spend most of yesterday wrapping gifts, making chocolate covered pretzels and fudge. I still have some cookies to frost and another batch to bake to take back to my brothers when I leave on Friday. I do feel better about getting a lot done yesterday and taking all day to do it.

Not to mention Friday night was our annual Christmas Party which had at least 30 people if not more in attendance, we had a great time and I was so glad to see so many of my friends in attendance, which made for a very late night.

I got my packages shipped to my family in Florida and my family gift exchange gift to the person I will not see, so that is one check off of the list.

Today... one thing I know for sure is my bladder hates me and I am glad that I am going in for a treatment tomorrow. It is one thing to know you have to go pee, it is another to be in excruciating pain because you have pee. THIS IS NOT OK EVER! To those of you out there with IC that read this, I know you can relate, it is a miserable feeling even when you are doing everything you can to try and keep your body calm.

One thing I do know is I am grateful for the little things this year and on Saturday, I was able to meet a very good friend for dinner in Bethlehem, PA, which was mid way for both of us. On the way home I had a few Facebook notifications, I did of course wait until I got home to check them (yes I was being a safe driver).

Much to my surprise I had written on a local jewelers Facebook page that they were doing a contest with. Here was the question:
          Best "fill in the blank" answer WINS a little something for under YOUR tree!!!
          "All I want from Ream Jewelers this year is ______________"

So I figured what the heck, why not say what I would really like and what it would mean. I am all about jewelry having meaning to me. My claddagh ring was a present from my parents on my 18th birthday, on my 21st birthday I received my birthstone set in white gold. On my right hand I wear the first diamonds I have ever owned that I saved up and bought for myself.  So for the question above I thought back with reflection on this year:

"A Michael Kors watch to remind me that every minute of every day is important and to know that each minute we get is a             blessing. In good times and in bad times we need to keep ticking.... something I tell myself daily as I try and get through the pain, surgeries and doctors appointments."

This year has been a struggle, even worse than 2011 and I really do just have to take it one day and sometimes one minute at a time. This year brought me two surgeries, depression, severe chronic pain,  countless doctors appointments and procedures, lots of medication, travel to see all of these specialist, physical therapy, and some other issues I am sure I am forgetting. I have had to learn to live my life much differently which has been extremely hard and coming to terms with all of this has been even harder. Although I have physically done this alone, I have so many wonderful friends to be thankful for and I don't know what I would do without them.

So my new jewelry goal is a beautiful Michael Kors watch which I have on layaway and will slowly pay off, since my bills and medications have to take precedence. The $50 gift card that Ream Jewelers is giving me from this contest is going directly to this watch and it means so much sometimes to know that there are kind and giving people out there who will do something as simple as this when it will in turn mean so much to me in the future.

This year I have made it my goal to shop locally and buy local as much as I can. I have made some fairly big and necessary purchases all from local family owned businesses. This just encourages me to keep doing so and has earned another loyal customer, plus what young lady doesn't love jewelry? I can't wait to stop in tomorrow and apply my gift to my purchase, so in the spirit of the season Merry Christmas! I hope that everyone out there gets some type of special Christmas wish that comes true.

Time just flies by

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I have posted. The first part of November was crazy because I was running and event and helping out with the election. My body still has yet to recover from all of this.

I constantly tired, I don't feel like I ever get enough sleep part of that may be my medication though as well. Either way I am trying to do as much as I can to have a life.  I have healed more from the surgery but the incisions still hurt pretty bad. I have cream I have to rub on them twice a day, but they still hurt. The doctor said that I am doing alright, but this is going to be a six month recovery.

I also haven't seen my doctor for treatments for over a month now and my body is paying for it for sure. Hurricane Sandy made them cancel my last appointment and I have not been able to get in since. I have another two weeks to wait. Hopefully they go by quickly.

I am waiting to get a CT Scan approved through my insurance (who has denied it twice) to see what else is going on inside my body before we elect for another surgery. Hopefully I will know more on that next week.

I had one day this week that my pain was just excruciating and nothing got rid of it, I was so down because of it.

Today is Thanksgiving and I decided I did not want to travel so I stayed here and some very nice friends invited me over to their house to join them and their family for Thanksgiving dinner. When we all went around to say what we were thankful for, I said that I am thankful I am getting better and that I have such great people surrounding me.

The one thing I have learned through this whole process since August 2011, is you really learn who your friends are and who you can count on. Sometimes people just surprise you.

So as I sit here being lazy and not wanting to move, I may go to the bar for some human interaction for a bit even though I am still in a food coma from this afternoon.