A long over due update

I just realized that I had not blogged about how things have been going since the surgery, that really speaks to my state of mind lately as I barely remember what day it is.

First off, I must say that I have absolutely wonderful and amazing friends, I really do not know what I would do without them. Going through this whole process alone is hard and to my friend Angela and her family who opened up their home to me and took me to appointments for close to two weeks, I really can't give enough thanks. Those first two weeks were so difficult, especially after I came down with the infection. Truthfully at that point all I wanted to do is cry. I am always in pain, but that truly took things over the top.

To my friend Terra who has been with me since and essential been my chauffeur to many appointments and making sure I have what I need while at home has been a huge help these past few weeks as well. I don't know what I am going to do when I am back on my own. Hopefully by then I have the strength and I am able to do things on my own. 

The surgery so far from what we can tell was successful. The doctor found a lot of scar tissue in the area and also one of my nerves that had separated into two nerves. They were able to properly decompress the nerves and now it is just an action of how the healing goes. 

Unfortunately a few days after the surgery I noticed a red area, that at first I thought I had just left the ice on a little too long. The next day I knew that was not the case as my entire leg was red. The next thing I knew my leg was so swollen I could not put my underwear on, which completely freaked me out. (nothing about surgery is glamorous that is for sure).

I spent about a week and a half down in the DC area, before I returned home. Since then I have had even more appointments between my specialist and my surgeon. The stitches are now out, however the wound is not healed so I am working daily to steri-strip it myself and make sure nothing happens to it. Thank goodness for my first aid training and slight background in athletic training. 

Frustration is a big word too. Everything gets to me because I can't do it. I can't pick things up off the ground if I drop something. I can't drive, I can't go up and down stairs unless someone is here to watch me. The one time that I did it alone, I fell.

So the healing process has been hard, the next step right now is physical therapy. I will start that on Thursday and hopefully that begins to help.

I must say our bodies are amazing, because these three little nerves are causing me such agony and making everything so much harder to do. I will get through it, but it is not easy. That of course I already knew being that I have been dealing with this since August 2011. 

Right now trying to find the positive in things is very hard, but I am really working on it. I try each day to look  in a positive light even though it feels so hard.

Surgery... Is almost here!

All the test at one and the pre-op is one. Now it is time to prepare or tomorrow.

Crying: Inside and Out

Alright, so I am not a big emotional person, I especially hate showing any emotion to people at all that shows signs of weakness and vulnerability. What I do know, even a midst the anti-depressants I am on, I am still very depressed.

Last night after work I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes, I figure well it is my last week I need to do something. By the time I got home I wanted to do nothing at all but lay in bed, which is exactly what I did.

Although I really didn't just lay in bed, I did watch some TV and I blogged about all of this right now. Then I just started crying because I literally feel like the world is crashing in on me when I am behind closed doors and in my "safe zone."

I can function enough to get through the day at work, I may not be as productive as I like, but I can do it. What I can't seem to do is anything else. My body wants so bad to feel just okay... or closer to normal than what I do now. My mind wants to be that happy, fun and fearless thirty-one year old that I truly am. Right now I am not that person and that is not alright with me at all.

There has been a lot of talk about people with conditions lately, all I can say that depression should not be taken lightly it is a real thing. I would say more people are depressed and are not undergoing some type of treatment from a physician... they should be. We need to take mental illness seriously, it should not be frowned upon by society. It is a real condition, that needs real help.  I would go as far as saying I am no where near as serious as some people, but I can tell that I am not alright.

One Week Away

So my doctor's clearance have been given and my surgery is a go for next week.

What is not a go for next week:

• How I am getting to DC
• My sanity/mental health
• My body

I am going to try and get in the gym as much as possible this week, however I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill today and well my body hates me. I decided I have one week left of walking so I figured I would jog for a minute... I am sure I looked ridiculous, felt ridiculous and I will completely pay for that decision later.

Sometimes I really wonder how I get through my daily life, the past two weeks have really been hard now that season is over and this is what I have to focus on I think it is digging at me even more. 

You know you think being a grown up when you are a kid is going to be awesome... I hate to tell my 10 year old self this... however being an adult SUCKS! Maybe I would have told myself not to play sports (probably not), not to push myself (probably not either), not to be a perfectionist (I don't think I had any say in that), and ultimately I think I would just said have more fun and be a dam kid!

Of course it is so hard to really know what you would really do, but I guess it could be fun to think. Heck even when I was 22, I would have never thought my life would end up where it is now. I wanted to be fearless, but I will tell you what stops that quickly, A LIFE CHANGING EVENT that makes you scared, in pain and miserable all the time. 

My fearless I can take on the world, or at least a huge wrestling tournament can still come out and play, but I am just not the same me. I am much more reserved, I can't do what I use to, I have to admit that I am able to be taken down, which lands me in the training room getting treatment or barely moving.

I feel like my stance on everything has changed so much since August 2011, which partially makes me hate myself, because I am not myself. The truth is I don't know if I ever will be myself again. I hope to, I will strive to, but I really don't know if I will ever be there again.

What I feel now is just plain broken. In no other words, broken. I don't think I have ever cried this much in my entire life. I guess we can count a little progress I can talk about some of my treatments without crying like a baby, sometimes.