And you know you have a problem when...

ALL YOU DO IS GO TO THE DOCTORS!

You know I have gotten use to the whole weekly or bi-weekly treatments I was getting. Right now those days are long gone until this infection takes a hike up the river.

I went to the infectious disease doctor today and they took some samples and decided that I am still staying on IV antibiotics for another 7-10 days along with the other antibiotics that I am on.

Right now I am so sick of medicine. I fall asleep for no reason during the day, everything hurts and makes everything else worse.

I feel like I really do live in a hole, one that I can't crawl out of. I want to cry all of the time, because everything is so dam overwhelming.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have no social life and all of my friends well I only get to see them if I am visiting for doctors appointments. I am not fully sure the last time I really went out and had a good time. I am worried about not being able to go to a very close friends wedding in a few weeks, because I cannot fly to get there. I want an escape from what has turned into my reality.

These past two years have been a literal hell for me. I know that at some point I will catch a break, and they always say you hit your break when you are at your all time low. Well I am at that all time low and I am reaching as far as I can to get out.

Now there are a few things that make me different where people can see something is wrong on the outside: the pain in my face, my walking cane for balance and the PICC line in my right arm.

Disability takes on many forms and this is mine: chronic severe pelvic pain coupled with a horrible infection in my left leg right now. Along with numerous other things including very severe depression.

Not sure where it all began

The only thing I can pinpoint is the end of July 2011 I started to feel not normal, but I was traveling and life was busy so I shoved it to the side. It got worse in the beginning of August and I started to notice some differences while I was in Florida for work, but I attributed that to long hours, stress and little to no sleep.

I came home and gave myself a week to "re-coup" and I only got worse. So I went to the doctor with what I thought was a UTI. I was treated for it because of the symptoms, but then they only got worse. Next comes more doctors’ appointments, a CAT Scan and numerous other test. All to find absolutely nothing. So bring on the medications. My next suspicion was my endometriosis, who knows it could be back after all... since it is one of the things that you just refer to as a "PITA."

So months of just trying to get by and dealing with lots of pain and other tests... just left me feeling absolutely miserable.

So after a series of test and more doctors’ visits we come to the conclusion that they will do a diagnostic laporscopy on me to see what is going on with my endo and my insides that hurt so much. We finally got this scheduled for March 29th. There was also talk of removing an ovary (which has a very long technical name). So I had mentally prepared myself for coming out of the surgery minus a few tiny body parts, or some other type of diagnosis and what that may mean for my future. However, much to my dismay after coming out of surgery I was told they found NOTHING... I wanted them to find EVERYTHING so I could get on with my life.

The next two weeks were the longest, worst and most alone I have ever felt in my life. My pain was worse and by worse I mean I could not move worse. I was alone the majority of the time. I did have a few very nice friends who brought me over some food, but I lived on my couch because climbing the stairs scared me for multiple reasons: 1. they hurt like hell to move, 2. I was afraid of falling and no one being there, 3. they were just daunting.

So after two emergency trips to the doctor’s office that week (I also now know why they tell you no driving after surgery... those trips were kind of well probably comparable to driving under the influence because I was not in my normal state of mind), then finally heading to my follow-up the only true conclusion we had was that the surgery aggravated whatever was really wrong making me worse.  Went I went in for my follow up after the surgery, the doctor said I am not going to even bother to examine you, because I know it will make you cry and put you into more pain. Thank God she understood a little even though she could not figure out the problem.

So then it was on to find a specialist that works with a pain we can’t seem to find but is very obviously there.

I should add, by now it is mid April 2012.