Time for reflection

My depression has kicked up majorly lately. Even with the medications, I just can't seem to work my way out of this deep hole I seem to be sitting at the bottom of.

I was messaging and old friend today and I told her that is exactly how I felt. It is so hard to admit it and really the only way to describe how I feel without someone worrying that I may harm myself. The one thing I do not have is a feeling of harm. What I want to do is run as far away as possible from what I know to be my life.

What amazes me is how different my life has become since August 2011 and how different I have become. I have become the person that I do not recognize any more. I am so upset with how everything seems to be going, that I don't know who I am any more.

The silliest of things makes me cry like crazy and then I just cannot seem to stop once I get started.

Today I made a call to see a pain psychologist here in PA, because I just do not know what else to do. I need someone to talk to who can help me work through this. My brain already constantly sends pain signals all over my body making everything from inside to the outside feel absolutely miserably.

I keep telling myself that it will make me stronger,  I pray that it will make me stronger, and as the days go by  I have a harder time believing that it is actually happening.

What a day, 397 miles traveled, 2 appointments

So yesterday I had two appointments one was in Silver Spring, MD and the other in Bethlehem, PA.

I left my house before 6 am and did not make my appointment in Silver Spring due to horrible traffic on the Beltway. I got there 45 minutes late which they worked me into the schedule since I called and told them I was having issues.  I am extremely lucky to have doctors that are so understanding.

So besides being extremely frustrated from traffic, being that I already have all of these crazy problems... it just adds to my severe pain. The surgeon was pleased with my EMG results from last week, because the function of muscles and nerves in my left leg are normal. What is not normal however are the sensory nerves that are in my groin area, where I always have pain. So we discussed what options were out there for a long-term solution to getting myself out of this pain. That lead us to where the doctor was expecting to go which is a nerve decompression.

Of course it is not normal to want to have to get cut open again, but in this case I want to be out of pain so bad that I will take making it worse to get better. That is what happened with my surgery in September so I have a good outlook on this even though it is an extra stress to my life right now in the busiest part of my work year. I have scheduled the surgery for April 9th and will have a long recovery. The good news is that the doctor does want me exercising, I can continue walking on the treadmill and I am to add swimming two times a week as well. He wants me to strengthen my body as much as I can, even though I am not allowed to lift or do anything too strenuous.

I was warned in advance that the surgery will be invasive and it will be painful, I am to expect a lot of pain after and  that my physical therapy after will also be difficult.

Then I had the drive to Bethlehem, which was long and miserable. I had the worst case of road rage ever as I was worried I would be late to my appointment, I made it just in time which was good. In the mean time I had an issue with work and I had to find a Starbucks to get the internet. I was just stressed in every way possible.

At my second appointment of the day, I talked with the doctor and we altered some of my medications to try and help in the mean time, which makes me feel kind of foggy today (it probably doesn't help much that I did not sleep well and then hit the gym at 5 am).  The doctor feels that he thinks that having this surgery will help calm everything else down as it is so painful right now. So I will continue getting treatments as well in the mean time.

I then talked with my doctor on how hard this is to try and talk to people about, because I just don't feel that people fully understand how miserable this feeling really is. He said that is extremely common from his patients and that it is something hard to explain and for people to understand. He once again told me however that this is something that is more common that we think when it comes to the IC and the issues within the pelvic floor (I have other issues going on as well, see the surgery remarks above).

I wish it was easier to talk about and for people to truly understand the pain that this causes. This will be my 3rd surgery in a year's time.

Right now I need to focus on everything else I have going on and in the mean time just try and make sure I am taking care of myself.

Getting ready for surgery... is not fun at all

Life lately has been so overly stressful, it is crazy. I am trying to get things together in my life at home, at work, and with myself.

Well trying to make sure your house is in order for when you get back from surgery is just plain frustrating. I spent most of Saturday running errands and picking up medications and all other forms of things needed for the house to make sure that  everything is ready when I return.

Trying to find some new furniture is also not helping at all which we are in need of since my roommate moved out so there are definitely some blank spots in the house which are just plain annoying to me right now.

Work is stressing me out, I know I have an event on November 3rd, but most of what is going on won't be going on for a few weeks either way.

So far this morning getting some laundry done, then more cleaning of the house to come this afternoon and picking up all of my prescriptions which is going to be one huge bill that I am not looking forward to at this point.

Either way I have to get through this and I can because I am strong and I have to keep telling myself that. I don't need to breakdown, even though I know that I will between now and Tuesday. Either way I can do this, it is just going to be really, really hard.

Anxiety... Wow

Due to unforscne  circumstances I ended up have two appointments today: one for my injections and installations and he other for physical therapy.

I have been in ugh pain lately that the nerve blocks hurt much worse than usual. My doctor knows of he anxiety I'm having with he surgery so I need to find some constructive ways to relax this weekend to get through it all.

I did get a few phone calls from old friends which made me miss home a lot.

One thing is that i have actually old more people about this surgery and people have been so sweet and supportive. That really means a lot, I just dont know what I would do without my friends.

So here is to getting through Friday.

The highs and lows of life

Labor Day... the official end of summer. Well I spent it laying in bed and on the couch, but I will say my Thursday and Friday night activities were completely worth it. I can definitely tell that my depression takes some high and low swings lately, which I should probably talk to my doctor about.

It was amazing being able to be part of two of my dearest friends wedding on Friday night. I met some wonderful new people and saw some old friends as well. It was a great time and I made sure to live it up as much as possible. It was great to see so many happy people together celebrating two of my old roommates getting married. (Mental note to self, dancing seems like a great idea, but in the end makes my body feel so much worse) I was just so happy to share in this day and meet all of their awesome friends and family that for a little bit it helped me forget that I felt so miserable.

That is me in the middle, proof that you can look pretty darn good and feel absolutely miserable all at the same time.

That decision though I regretfully paid for all weekend as I felt miserable and could barely move, going into work on Tuesday was rough.

In the mean time I am trying to logistically put together this whole surgery process and how all of it is going to work. I must say I thank God that I have great friends who are going to help me get through all of this.

Tentative Surgery Date...

I went to DC to see the nerve specialist on Friday, I knew that I was going down to get a consultation for surgery, but the whole thing ht me a lot harder than I anticipated.

I have never in my life had two surgeries in one year, these are placed six months apart. So I am getting ready to figure out how to transplant my life for a little bit. I have to take two weeks off of work, which I don't have to take off due to all of the medical issues this year.

So the surgeon is talking about a 2 1/2 hour surgery that will be removing/displacing three of my nerves in my pelvis, this will take away the pain once I am healed, but will involve quite a bit of pain during recovery. These are sensory nerves so they can be taken out without effecting movement in my leg.

The doctor is unsure if I will need another surgery at this point to hep with other nerves but it is possible.

So I will be staying down in DC for about a week once I have the surgery incase I have any complications. Either way this is not exactly what I thought I would be, all I can do is hope that it allows me to lead a more normal life than I currently am.

I had a good bit of an anxiety attack after leaving the doctors and on the drive home last night. Today hasn't been much better, but I am just trying to make it.

So as of right now September 18th is the date.

Not sure where it all began

The only thing I can pinpoint is the end of July 2011 I started to feel not normal, but I was traveling and life was busy so I shoved it to the side. It got worse in the beginning of August and I started to notice some differences while I was in Florida for work, but I attributed that to long hours, stress and little to no sleep.

I came home and gave myself a week to "re-coup" and I only got worse. So I went to the doctor with what I thought was a UTI. I was treated for it because of the symptoms, but then they only got worse. Next comes more doctors’ appointments, a CAT Scan and numerous other test. All to find absolutely nothing. So bring on the medications. My next suspicion was my endometriosis, who knows it could be back after all... since it is one of the things that you just refer to as a "PITA."

So months of just trying to get by and dealing with lots of pain and other tests... just left me feeling absolutely miserable.

So after a series of test and more doctors’ visits we come to the conclusion that they will do a diagnostic laporscopy on me to see what is going on with my endo and my insides that hurt so much. We finally got this scheduled for March 29th. There was also talk of removing an ovary (which has a very long technical name). So I had mentally prepared myself for coming out of the surgery minus a few tiny body parts, or some other type of diagnosis and what that may mean for my future. However, much to my dismay after coming out of surgery I was told they found NOTHING... I wanted them to find EVERYTHING so I could get on with my life.

The next two weeks were the longest, worst and most alone I have ever felt in my life. My pain was worse and by worse I mean I could not move worse. I was alone the majority of the time. I did have a few very nice friends who brought me over some food, but I lived on my couch because climbing the stairs scared me for multiple reasons: 1. they hurt like hell to move, 2. I was afraid of falling and no one being there, 3. they were just daunting.

So after two emergency trips to the doctor’s office that week (I also now know why they tell you no driving after surgery... those trips were kind of well probably comparable to driving under the influence because I was not in my normal state of mind), then finally heading to my follow-up the only true conclusion we had was that the surgery aggravated whatever was really wrong making me worse.  Went I went in for my follow up after the surgery, the doctor said I am not going to even bother to examine you, because I know it will make you cry and put you into more pain. Thank God she understood a little even though she could not figure out the problem.

So then it was on to find a specialist that works with a pain we can’t seem to find but is very obviously there.

I should add, by now it is mid April 2012.