Life Changes Faster Than We Can Think Sometimes

I just looked and saw that my last post was back on August 19th, so much has happened since that time and in all honestly so much of it I unfortunately cannot even begin to talk about.

The last few months have been extremely hard for me emotionally, physically and mentally. Have I gotten through it, yes, of course I have. I can get through anything, although adding extra stress to my already massive heaping pile of horrible is well... UNBEARABLE. So as some chapters in my life are closing for good and I am looking to move forward and trying to figure out what my next moves will be, I am also trying to figure out how to close a large chapter of my life which has been the last twenty-three years of my life in the sport of wrestling. I have had so much support from the coaches and people I have met, that it truly does show that wrestling is a great family and I hope to continue to stay in this circle someway, in the years to come. I must say thank you to those people, they know who they are and as this November comes, it just won't be the same for me, as it will be my first year not being involved with the sport I love.

Right now this gives me chance to focus on my health and really try to find out what I want to open my next chapter to be. However my number ONE priority is my health.

I have found a support system here, but I still have some serious decisions to make and I am just not so sure I am ready to make them, but I may have no other choice. 

So onwards I trudge trying to figure out what is wrong with me marching into year three of my medical mystery while I try and find out what is wrong with my body.

I know that what I can do is great and that my body will get better, I just hope that one day soon all of these things align so that I can be the best person that I can be. I want to be me again.

One thing is for sure I promise that one day I will come back healthier, stronger and better than before.

Every celebration seems to end with pain

This past weekend I celebrated my 31st birthday. It was great to have some of my family in to visit for the weekend and do some running around, which we did on Saturday.  I also made reservations and we went out to dinner and had a few friends meet up with all of us. Then we went out to my favorite bar in town and celebrated for the rest of the evening.

On Sunday we got up and I knew it was going to be one of those bad days. Why you may ask? Well I was at a moderate pain level the day before and I was tired from all of the running around we did, so I knew eventually I would not be so lucky and things would catch up to me as they usually do.

So yesterday it hit and wouldn't you know it but I spent the majority of my actual birthday alone, laying on the couch with a heating pad praying that my pain would go away. Today has started out just as rough and I can only hope that tomorrow will be better. I am down to just about a month away from surgery and as scared as I am about the whole thing, I know that my body needs it, because my body needs to get better and is in a very bad state right now.

I keep telling my self that 2013 will be my year and I still have 9 months to see that really pull through for me.

Someday I will feel like I can live like a normal person and be the woman that I know that I can be, I just hope that time gets here soon.

I will say I was extremely surprised at the kindness of friends here and far away on birthday, just knowing that I have so many people that were thinking of me is a great thought to have. Even though ninety percent of them have no idea what is going on with me personally. This internal struggle to try and be the person I was just a few years ago has been very hard.

There is so much talk about mental illness these days, especially with the shootings that have happened. I don't think anyone realizes how bad of a hold depression can take on someone unless they have personally lived through it or gone through it with a close friend or loved one. It really does make you feel like a person that you are not. It is like being in this dark hole all alone and at the very bottom and not knowing how to get out. Sometimes you can function enough to do daily tasks and other times you just can't.

I know that happens to me a lot, I will get through everything I need to do during the week, but the minute I am done I am home and in my room. Then on the weekends I just don't want to get out of bed.

Did I ever think this is what my life wold be like at the age of 31? No not at all... but I do know that I am working through it the best that I can.

Time just flies by

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I have posted. The first part of November was crazy because I was running and event and helping out with the election. My body still has yet to recover from all of this.

I constantly tired, I don't feel like I ever get enough sleep part of that may be my medication though as well. Either way I am trying to do as much as I can to have a life.  I have healed more from the surgery but the incisions still hurt pretty bad. I have cream I have to rub on them twice a day, but they still hurt. The doctor said that I am doing alright, but this is going to be a six month recovery.

I also haven't seen my doctor for treatments for over a month now and my body is paying for it for sure. Hurricane Sandy made them cancel my last appointment and I have not been able to get in since. I have another two weeks to wait. Hopefully they go by quickly.

I am waiting to get a CT Scan approved through my insurance (who has denied it twice) to see what else is going on inside my body before we elect for another surgery. Hopefully I will know more on that next week.

I had one day this week that my pain was just excruciating and nothing got rid of it, I was so down because of it.

Today is Thanksgiving and I decided I did not want to travel so I stayed here and some very nice friends invited me over to their house to join them and their family for Thanksgiving dinner. When we all went around to say what we were thankful for, I said that I am thankful I am getting better and that I have such great people surrounding me.

The one thing I have learned through this whole process since August 2011, is you really learn who your friends are and who you can count on. Sometimes people just surprise you.

So as I sit here being lazy and not wanting to move, I may go to the bar for some human interaction for a bit even though I am still in a food coma from this afternoon.