Life Changes Faster Than We Can Think Sometimes

I just looked and saw that my last post was back on August 19th, so much has happened since that time and in all honestly so much of it I unfortunately cannot even begin to talk about.

The last few months have been extremely hard for me emotionally, physically and mentally. Have I gotten through it, yes, of course I have. I can get through anything, although adding extra stress to my already massive heaping pile of horrible is well... UNBEARABLE. So as some chapters in my life are closing for good and I am looking to move forward and trying to figure out what my next moves will be, I am also trying to figure out how to close a large chapter of my life which has been the last twenty-three years of my life in the sport of wrestling. I have had so much support from the coaches and people I have met, that it truly does show that wrestling is a great family and I hope to continue to stay in this circle someway, in the years to come. I must say thank you to those people, they know who they are and as this November comes, it just won't be the same for me, as it will be my first year not being involved with the sport I love.

Right now this gives me chance to focus on my health and really try to find out what I want to open my next chapter to be. However my number ONE priority is my health.

I have found a support system here, but I still have some serious decisions to make and I am just not so sure I am ready to make them, but I may have no other choice. 

So onwards I trudge trying to figure out what is wrong with me marching into year three of my medical mystery while I try and find out what is wrong with my body.

I know that what I can do is great and that my body will get better, I just hope that one day soon all of these things align so that I can be the best person that I can be. I want to be me again.

One thing is for sure I promise that one day I will come back healthier, stronger and better than before.

The highs and lows of life

Labor Day... the official end of summer. Well I spent it laying in bed and on the couch, but I will say my Thursday and Friday night activities were completely worth it. I can definitely tell that my depression takes some high and low swings lately, which I should probably talk to my doctor about.

It was amazing being able to be part of two of my dearest friends wedding on Friday night. I met some wonderful new people and saw some old friends as well. It was a great time and I made sure to live it up as much as possible. It was great to see so many happy people together celebrating two of my old roommates getting married. (Mental note to self, dancing seems like a great idea, but in the end makes my body feel so much worse) I was just so happy to share in this day and meet all of their awesome friends and family that for a little bit it helped me forget that I felt so miserable.

That is me in the middle, proof that you can look pretty darn good and feel absolutely miserable all at the same time.

That decision though I regretfully paid for all weekend as I felt miserable and could barely move, going into work on Tuesday was rough.

In the mean time I am trying to logistically put together this whole surgery process and how all of it is going to work. I must say I thank God that I have great friends who are going to help me get through all of this.

My one year anniversary

Wow, that sure feels like a sad thing to say. I have extremely mixed feelings on saying it is my one year anniversary of feeling miserable this month. My symptoms started in early August 2011 and just continued to get worse as the days went on. (Let me just explain to anyone this is not how you want to live your life or spend the rest of your summer).

So it makes me reflect back on the past year which has been quite the roller coaster of a journey:

• I have been to so many doctors and doctors appointments I lost count.
• The amount of money I have spent going to the doctors and on medications literally makes me sick.
• When my pain gets to a certain level that also makes me sick.
• I have had one diagnostic surgery which just put me in more pain, which happened in March. The good thing, I know my reproductive system is good.
• I also cannot remember the actual list of medications that I am on, thank God for a good Pharmacists. 
• I have had to do some travel and labor intensive work, that is the nature of my job. I cannot fathom how truly strong my body is some days to make it through these events. It is almost scary to realize the level of pain that I am in that my body somehow functions with. 
• There has been a lot of reflecting on my part, about who I am and what I want. Also the people that I can truly call friends and who were there for me when I needed it.  It is so hard being out on your own and not having a significant other. I am very blessed to have some good friends who have been there for me. I wish some days my family and best friend were not so far away, but sometimes life just takes you different directions.
• This should not come as a shock to those who have known me for a long time but I have a very hard time opening up about my feelings. It took me months to start telling people I was having problems. After my diagnosis in April, I couldn't talk about it without crying like a baby... I am finally getting better about that. Although I find it interesting some people I seem to have no issue saying what my issue is to and others I do. 
• I have shed more tears this year than I can ever remember. My hormones hate me, my body hates me and well the medicine is a whole other story.
• The medications that I can't keep straight I have to keep in an a.m./p.m. pill case. Definitely not where I thought I would be when I hit 30 years old.
• I thank God for finding the right doctor who is working to get me better along with his team.
• I think I am finally turning a corner where I can fathom the thought of allowing a person close to me, physically and mentally. Eventually I will get there and maybe someday I will meet the right guy, but for now I am still just trying to focus on getting better.

I can only imagine now that there are other women out there going through these problems and have no idea where to turn, I guess all I can say to that is don't give up.

One doctor early on in this journey, looked at me and said what do you think is wrong with your body? I told him my thoughts and he said you seem to know your body pretty well and I would say what you think is right, because you do not belong in my office. So if nothing else I have found some doctors that seem to listen pretty well.

This is not really an anniversary to celebrate, because well just like how I feel right now it is painful, but I am going to keep pushing through until I get to where I need to be. Right now I am where I need to be and getting my proper treatment. Tomorrow brings another appointment with a nerve specialist, which should set me up for a surgical procedure, hopefully sooner than later and put me on the path to wellness.

Another photo I found that sums up many of my thoughts, not sure of it's origin but it was floating around on Facebook and I find the words to be so very true. 

Sometimes a photo says 1000 words

I ran across this last week on Facebook (not sure the original source) and I feel like it truly sums up how I feel the majority of the time.

Sometimes as strong as you try to be, you need someone to be there for you.... even when you tell them no.

I will say when all of this first got started with my I withdrew from a lot of things especially socially. I was in no romantic relationship, but my friendships have suffered greatly. I do however know who my true friends are after all of this.

So just remember if you are reading this, you are not alone there are people who are there for you, you just need to open your eyes and realize who they are.