It has been one week

I haven't blogged much in the past week, so I wanted to try and get caught up on my thoughts and what things have been like.

Last Monday I left and went down to Silver Spring, Maryland, where my surgery was going to take place. I got down there in the afternoon and just had time to relax and hang out with my friend.

Tuesday morning was a super early morning. Surgery was scheduled at 7 am which meant I had to be at the surgery center at 6 am. I got up at 5 a.m. and showered with Hibiclens before heading in for surgery. Then I got there and filled out the usual paperwork along with the other preparation work that they do for you when you are about to get cut open.

After going through things with the nurses, the doctor arrived and went over to what they were going to be doing to me. So I had three nerves cut in my pelvis and groin. I will look up the technical terms to all of this later. The surgery lasted a little over two hours.

I woke up from surgery in complete and total pain. Nothing seemed to be taking me down to a manageable level. I was in recovery longer than I was in surgery and I felt absolutely miserable. I was also dreading the getting up to go to the bathroom, because of how bad I hurt. So that was excruciating even with the nurses helping me move.

We did get things calmed down and I was able to leave, I had asked the doctor for crutches which he agreed to, because putting weight on my left leg was just so painful I couldn't do it. The doctor agreed to the crutches to help me get around for the reasons that they would stabilize me and also slow me down.

So going back to my friends Brooke and Mike they took great care of me all week, even though I could hardly get around. I felt pretty helpless. I was taking a lot of pain medication those first few days trying to keep my pain at bay.

On Friday I was able to get a ride home which was a little rough, but I was so glad to be home.

All weekend I spent laying around and sleeping as much as possible. I did have a friend help take me grocery shopping, I am trying to remember that I have to ask for help... and I must use help.

So for now I am icing my abdomen and taking the medications as prescribed by the doctor  and taking it as slow as possible so that I can try and heal.

What I can say is this surgery was painful and my biggest hope is that after the surgery wounds heal, that I will feel like a completely different person.

Depression SUCKS

So after returning home from the DC area on Friday evening, I really felt like things were hitting me really hard and that I was honestly all alone. I know that is not necessarily the case, but it is how you feel when you are depressed.

I did run a few errands on Saturday morning that I had to do and then I came home and literally laid in bed for hours. I was able to talk to my best friend for a bit which helped me think through things a little bit. I just honestly wanted to cry every time I thought about what was going on and what I need to get prepared for.

I even asked the pharmacist when I should bring everything in to get filled. I just feel so overwhelmed from top to bottom at this point and I almost feel like I don't know which way is up.

Last night I made myself leave the house and go to dinner, but I went alone and if nothing else had a great meal before coming home to watch TV and try and calm myself down without crying again.

Today was a little bit of the same. I went to church and then hit up the movie theater to see Batman, which was awesome, I wish I would have seen it earlier.

So a lot to get done this week and figured out at work, I don't even know where to start that and I think that is a huge point of anxiety for me right now.

So my biggest thought this weekend is how much depression sucks. I know I am taking medications to help, but I can say that I know for sure what I am experiencing is not helping to get me out of this hole I have fallen into. I can only hope that as my pain gets better and my quality of life gets better, so will this.

Always remember the people you see out may look normal but you never know what may be going on with them, so be kind.

Anyhow time to try and get some rest.

Personal Days are MUCH needed!

So this week has been a roller coaster of sorts, between work and the doctors I have been a mess. I got somewhere around 18 injections on Wednesday when I went to the doctors, yes they hurt like hell, but I got through them. I didn't sleep well that night and Thursday I just woke up feeling miserable. My first thought I should call off of work, it is going to be that day. Well my intuition was right... I felt miserable all day and felt like the world was caving in on me.

Now you have to realize that is what depression truly feels like... the world as you know is caving in on you. All I wanted to do was cry. I felt a little better after physical therapy and making a yummy pizza for dinner but I really had to calm myself down. I must say I have never cried this much before in my life, for such an extended period of time. It is month 10 of this journey, and it wasn't until around month 8 I was actually diagnosed with severe depression. Gee go figure... I was depressed I told my doctor I was, but I guess I didn't realize how bad it had really gotten.

It didn't really hit me until I read the review of my appointment that my doctor had sent back to me, I think it was around six pages. Then right there in plain sight it said the patient is clinically depressed... awesome I am 30 years old and that is the first time I have ever actually gotten a diagnosis for depression, let alone put on medication. Obviously this explains the huge change in my behavior this past year and the many changes my social life has taken because of it.

Severe chronic pain does bad things to a person... which is not something I would wish on my worst enemy (obviously I would chose quick and painful for them).

Anyhow it is finally Friday and I am looking forward to trying to get some retail therapy in this weekend along with getting some of my personal life together, like cleaning my room and doing my laundry.

Also my personal days off cannot come fast enough... I need a mental break from everything!