My spleen is better than your spleen...

Yes that is exactly what I called and told my 24 year old brother today. A few weeks ago he went into the hospital with acute pain, it just ended up he has a bruised spleen and potentially an ego since he got it playing  basketball at work.

So I know my spleen is ok because of the CT Scan I received last week. Anyhow, they were looking for a hernia which they did not find or anything abnormal in my pelvis, which they did not find. There are some calcifications in my gallbladder though, which could mean that may need to come out here soon if it begins to bother me.

So now we are looking at my problem is strictly in my nerves, my femoral nerve and another nerve in my leg I do not remember the name of. I received a nerve block today which took away that pain, but that is temporary for only a few hours.

My doctor has ordered some other test on the femoral nerve that I need to have done before we decide to go any further with treatment. So this could mean another surgery in my left groin area. I need to wait and see what is going on and it is a horrible time of the year with the holidays and work so I am sure I won't get this appointment until later in January. I was also told I cannot go alone so I am going to have to find a friend to drag to Baltimore with me.

So my anxiety about the CT Scan results is better, but now I have all of these other thoughts racing through my head. In all reality I want this to end. Today is 12-12-12 a very strange date on the calendar that well is a once in a lifetime type of day and I spent most of it at the doctors getting this news.

All I can say is that I am really ready for 2013 and I hope it brings better things for my health and my life.

I have decided I am going to start doing more physical activity it is going to hurt, but I am not going to make it through working my next few events without it.

Why can't life just be easy... I hate feeling this way.

Getting through the day/week

I don't know about you, but sometimes just looking at the calendar makes me anxious.

For instance this week we will start with yesterday:

• Sunday - committee meeting 11:30
• Monday - 8-5ish then run errands
• Tuesday - 5 am PT, drive 2 hours for a 9 am doctors appointment, drive directly back to work. After work stop at home drop off gym bag, grab overnight bag, drive to DC.
• Wednesday - 8:45 am appointment with surgeon to go over my CT results from last week, drive back come directly to work, clean the house
• Thursday - work 8-5ish again then home to clean and bake
• Friday - work 8-5ish then home to set up for my annual Christmas Party
• Saturday - head up to NJ to meet up with friend stay the night to be closer to NYC
• Sunday - The Grapple in the Apple at Madison Square Garden

That is my week in a very tiny nutshell and I wonder why I feel the way I do.

Barely made it out of bed

So today is Thursday, which I usually go to the gym at 5:30 am and have my accountability buddies here from work. Well that did not happen this morning. Between starting a new medication and having a crazy week, my body did not want to go anywhere. Right now it still doesn't want to do anything but here I am sitting at work, in my sweatpants and fleece. I just want to be warm and bundled up and even with the medicine the pain is not going away.

Someone posted this today on Facebook and all I could think was this is so true, but still so hard.

One of those days

Well for the first time in a month I went to the doctors and got my injections which is a good thing, because I really needed them. My doctor worked to re-assure me that I am doing okay and my body still has a lot of healing to do as we work on taking care of all of me not just one part of me.

Stress is just such a huge factor and being a Type A personality that wants to control everything really doesn't help at all.

So I came home tonight and drank my barium drink, I have to start another one tomorrow and then I will walk over to the hospital and get this CT Scan done, not knowing what it might show. Which if it does show anything I am to report that back to my doctor.

I was put on another medication tonight as well... to help with my nerves and to try and get them firing properly. It amazes me how messed up my body is. I just want to be a normal person again. I feel like I try so hard to feel normal and it just fires right back at me and says hello no. It is the most frustrating thing in the entire world.

But I still strive to be normal... whatever normal is. The last time I remember normal I was at a friends wedding in upstate New York having an absolute blast. Next thing I know my life changed with what I thought was a bladder infection that just got worse and worse ... and that was August of 2011.

It is December 2012, since I have turned 30 I have had two surgeries, I can't even count the number of doctors appointments, trips to the pharmacy, injections, etc that I have had to endure.

I thank God that I have some great friends who have really been there for me, they are the only reason I have made it through this... even if it is just a quick text to check on how I am doing, sometimes that means the world.

So tomorrow I have a CT, work, a meeting and I start yet another medication. The only good news when the doctor asked if I was on this medication I told him no and I was right, being that I can't keep my meds straight to begin with.

Now I will be going back to weekly doctors appointments to try and get my angry bladder to calm down. IC really does SUCK!

Finally

On Thursday while I was on business in Springfield, Illinois, I received a call from my surgeon that my CT Scan was finally approved by the insurance. I felt so relieved to be able to go in and get this imaging done to my body.

Although at the same time I am scared that they won't see a hernia and that means more nerves have to go. I guess right now I just need to keep a positive attitude towards everything and really try and just continue to take it one day at a time.

What I do know is I feel extremely overwhelmed right now. Maybe it is the holidays, my health, things going on with my family, work... maybe it is everything just snowballing into one big issue that just makes me feel like I have no control and I just want to cry. Depression is really, truly a horrible thing.

I continue to try and do things that make happy, I continue to try and do things to take my mind off of everything. One thing you cannot do... is take your mind off of pain when it will not go away.

Sometimes it just feels like a big hole you can't climb out of.

I do get to go see my doctor on Tuesday for some treatments and I am going to discuss all of this with him. Wednesday morning is my CT Scan. After that I will be making my appointment in DC to see the surgeon again.

All this seems to add to me is more chaos and stress. It is so hard to explain to people, sometimes I just don't even bother. I haven't even told most of my family the real truth to all of this, because I just don't want to face it all.

So for right now I will put my thoughts out here on my blog and hopefully it will clear my mind enough to let me try and sleep tonight.

I did a lot of cookie baking this weekend and I posted a photo to Facebook, my older cousin Chris said it reminded him of my Grandma Tedesco, she loved to bake and loved the holidays. I am not so sure I love the Holidays, but I do love to bake. It made me think back to how much I wish my grandparents would have been around longer. My grandmother died before I was born and my grandfather passed away when I was 5. I am sure they are looking down on us now, but part of me wishes I would have gotten to know this woman that my family says I remind them of so much.

See this is what the Holidays does to you... one day at a time and grin and bear it I guess.

FRUSTRATED!!!

Well it has been over a month since I last saw my surgeon and we are still trying to get my insurance to cover a CT Scan, that so far they have denied over 3 times. I am really losing my patience, because I don't feel better, I do in some ways and do not at all in others.

I still can't function without pain pills, I still take them daily. I have little to no energy at all, even if I sleep for 10 hours. The pain in my groin still hurts and throbs daily, because of Sandy, my usual doctors appointments are thrown all out of whack and I will not get in to see them until December 4th.

I feel like a total and complete mess.

My younger brother bruised his spleen and was in the hospital this weekend in severe pain and he goes "Tammy I think I got a glimpse of how you feel every day this is the worst pain I have ever had, I don't know how you do it."

That made me feel a little better that he had some way of feeling the pain, not that I want him to be in pain, but either way it is so hard to describe to someone unless they have experienced extreme pain.

So the holidays are officially here, I made it through Thanksgiving I spent it here with friends, I decided not to travel. I will be traveling for Christmas so that is a whole new ball game and something I haven't done since the surgery.

I need strength and someday's I just don't know where I am going to get it from.

I will say I did have a great time going to the movies and doing some shopping with friends over the Holiday. One thing I have to be Thankful for is friends to lift me up when I am not doing so well and my health although it is not great, it is a little better than a year ago, so all I can do is continue to try and get better.

Time just flies by

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I have posted. The first part of November was crazy because I was running and event and helping out with the election. My body still has yet to recover from all of this.

I constantly tired, I don't feel like I ever get enough sleep part of that may be my medication though as well. Either way I am trying to do as much as I can to have a life.  I have healed more from the surgery but the incisions still hurt pretty bad. I have cream I have to rub on them twice a day, but they still hurt. The doctor said that I am doing alright, but this is going to be a six month recovery.

I also haven't seen my doctor for treatments for over a month now and my body is paying for it for sure. Hurricane Sandy made them cancel my last appointment and I have not been able to get in since. I have another two weeks to wait. Hopefully they go by quickly.

I am waiting to get a CT Scan approved through my insurance (who has denied it twice) to see what else is going on inside my body before we elect for another surgery. Hopefully I will know more on that next week.

I had one day this week that my pain was just excruciating and nothing got rid of it, I was so down because of it.

Today is Thanksgiving and I decided I did not want to travel so I stayed here and some very nice friends invited me over to their house to join them and their family for Thanksgiving dinner. When we all went around to say what we were thankful for, I said that I am thankful I am getting better and that I have such great people surrounding me.

The one thing I have learned through this whole process since August 2011, is you really learn who your friends are and who you can count on. Sometimes people just surprise you.

So as I sit here being lazy and not wanting to move, I may go to the bar for some human interaction for a bit even though I am still in a food coma from this afternoon.