Okay, maybe I should say that point where I start freaking out. I had my weekly appointment today which I knew was not going to be great, I was right. It hurt, getting touched hurts. I hate that a year after being diagnosed I still can't be touched.
I talked with the doctor and told him I have a call with the surgeon on Friday to go over the particulars, I told him I am just feel a lot of uncertainty going into everything. Worse than my first surgery.
I had a little bit of a meltdown in the car and I am sure I will have others in the next two weeks, I am trying to line people up to take care of me and get things covered from my end but in the end this whole thing sucks!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Whirlwind of a Month
I tell you what every year the month of March goes by faster and faster, it seems like before I know it, we are at NCAA's and then wrestling season is over. I tell you what, making it through last week was nothing short of a miracle for how my body felt. I have to once again be very thankful for wonderful athletic trainers who were there to help me when I needed some treatment to help me get through the day, this literally was a daily ordeal.
I should say that traveling just seems to make symptoms and pain worse, I think it puts my anxiety through the roof as well. I know I can get through it, but it is not my favorite thing to do right now. If it was fully up to my doctor I would not be traveling and we have had that discussion. Luckily now the season is done so that I can hopefully have the time to heal.
So for a minute let's just talk about NCAA Wrestling. I cannot say in words fully how much I love the sport of wrestling and why, but it is something that has kept me around for 23 years of my life and I would not change that at all. I was able to see history made again only in a different way. There have only ever been three 4 time National Champions. I saw Cael Sanderson go 159-0 with four titles and I was able to see Kyle Dake win his fourth title at four different weight classes. He is just such a dominant wrestler and is going to do great things for the sport of wrestling. He gets it... especially right now with the 2020 Olympic situation, he will be a great young spokesman for our sport.
Wrestling people are just fantastic people and fans... because we are all there for the same reason. I was able to see such people as: Billy Baldwin, Steven Neal, Bruce Baumgartner, Dan Gable, Congressman Jim Jordon, Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert and even Senator John McCain. I am sure I left a lot of people out, but people of all ages love the sport of wrestling. It has made them who they are today, because of the lessons learned. I may have never have stepped on the mat, but I feel that I am part of this family. I hope that through my love of the sport I have at least rubbed that off on a few people that did not ever watch the sport.
Anyhow now that I am back and trying to rest while my body gets back to normal, I must now prepare and get everything ready for surgery. I don't feel I am ready, I feel that my emotions are all over the place. For the third time in a year I am going to have to rehab myself back to as close to normal as possible and pray that this is the last surgery I will need. I know that all of this has brought about many life changes for my future, I know there are still some changes that I need to make going forward that will allow me to heal and become a better, stronger person. Sometimes things just feel so overwhelming to deal with, it doesn't seem like they are in reach at all.
So next up, is the surgery update and there will be much more to come on that I am sure.
I should say that traveling just seems to make symptoms and pain worse, I think it puts my anxiety through the roof as well. I know I can get through it, but it is not my favorite thing to do right now. If it was fully up to my doctor I would not be traveling and we have had that discussion. Luckily now the season is done so that I can hopefully have the time to heal.
So for a minute let's just talk about NCAA Wrestling. I cannot say in words fully how much I love the sport of wrestling and why, but it is something that has kept me around for 23 years of my life and I would not change that at all. I was able to see history made again only in a different way. There have only ever been three 4 time National Champions. I saw Cael Sanderson go 159-0 with four titles and I was able to see Kyle Dake win his fourth title at four different weight classes. He is just such a dominant wrestler and is going to do great things for the sport of wrestling. He gets it... especially right now with the 2020 Olympic situation, he will be a great young spokesman for our sport.
Wrestling people are just fantastic people and fans... because we are all there for the same reason. I was able to see such people as: Billy Baldwin, Steven Neal, Bruce Baumgartner, Dan Gable, Congressman Jim Jordon, Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert and even Senator John McCain. I am sure I left a lot of people out, but people of all ages love the sport of wrestling. It has made them who they are today, because of the lessons learned. I may have never have stepped on the mat, but I feel that I am part of this family. I hope that through my love of the sport I have at least rubbed that off on a few people that did not ever watch the sport.
Anyhow now that I am back and trying to rest while my body gets back to normal, I must now prepare and get everything ready for surgery. I don't feel I am ready, I feel that my emotions are all over the place. For the third time in a year I am going to have to rehab myself back to as close to normal as possible and pray that this is the last surgery I will need. I know that all of this has brought about many life changes for my future, I know there are still some changes that I need to make going forward that will allow me to heal and become a better, stronger person. Sometimes things just feel so overwhelming to deal with, it doesn't seem like they are in reach at all.
So next up, is the surgery update and there will be much more to come on that I am sure.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Getting closer and getting older
Well my 31st birthday has officially come and gone. The month of March is always a crazy one for me as there is so much work to be done, it just seems to never, ever end.
I have decided today that a small bit of retail therapy is going to be my answer to happiness as I plan to go to the mall and quickly I hope find some earrings that I like along with maybe a few other small things.
I have less than a month until surgery, which I am starting to get antsy about. It has started to hit me more this week along with everything else moving in. I also am trying to figure out what is making me randomly fall asleep at the drop of a pin during the day. I fell asleep while driving the other day and almost got in a bad accident. Luckily I was close to a friends, so I was able to pull over safely and take a nap.
I am not sure if this is my medication messing with me or if it is my body saying back the heck up what are you doing?!?!
Either way I do not like it, it scares me. Everything about all of this scares me. Not feeling normal scares me. Not thinking that I will ever have a normal life/relationship scares me.
Today is just one of those days where I am a huge what if? Basically I feel like my life is a big question mark, filled with hundreds of tiny questions. It is strange to think of what I have been through in the past two years, the fact that I went un-diagnosed for so long, which compared to many is not that long as I have learned in talking to my doctor.
I guess the best thing I can say about that is to always be your own advocate, never give up when you know something is truly wrong with your body. You fight and push through it until you get the answers you are looking for, I know I did, but I also know that I had the biggest fear that the doctor would tell me it was all in my head. I knew that was not the case, I am tough and can handle a lot, but I had hit my breaking point. I had never been that depressed in my entire life. Mental illness really is an issue that people have and for many like myself it goes without treatment or a diagnosis, which just leads to worse things in the end.
Anyhow that is enough rambling for today. If anyone actually does read my blog, you probably think geez this girl is all over the place today... well I am and it is exactly how I feel.
I have decided today that a small bit of retail therapy is going to be my answer to happiness as I plan to go to the mall and quickly I hope find some earrings that I like along with maybe a few other small things.
I have less than a month until surgery, which I am starting to get antsy about. It has started to hit me more this week along with everything else moving in. I also am trying to figure out what is making me randomly fall asleep at the drop of a pin during the day. I fell asleep while driving the other day and almost got in a bad accident. Luckily I was close to a friends, so I was able to pull over safely and take a nap.
I am not sure if this is my medication messing with me or if it is my body saying back the heck up what are you doing?!?!
Either way I do not like it, it scares me. Everything about all of this scares me. Not feeling normal scares me. Not thinking that I will ever have a normal life/relationship scares me.
Today is just one of those days where I am a huge what if? Basically I feel like my life is a big question mark, filled with hundreds of tiny questions. It is strange to think of what I have been through in the past two years, the fact that I went un-diagnosed for so long, which compared to many is not that long as I have learned in talking to my doctor.
I guess the best thing I can say about that is to always be your own advocate, never give up when you know something is truly wrong with your body. You fight and push through it until you get the answers you are looking for, I know I did, but I also know that I had the biggest fear that the doctor would tell me it was all in my head. I knew that was not the case, I am tough and can handle a lot, but I had hit my breaking point. I had never been that depressed in my entire life. Mental illness really is an issue that people have and for many like myself it goes without treatment or a diagnosis, which just leads to worse things in the end.
Anyhow that is enough rambling for today. If anyone actually does read my blog, you probably think geez this girl is all over the place today... well I am and it is exactly how I feel.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Every celebration seems to end with pain
This past weekend I celebrated my 31st birthday. It was great to have some of my family in to visit for the weekend and do some running around, which we did on Saturday. I also made reservations and we went out to dinner and had a few friends meet up with all of us. Then we went out to my favorite bar in town and celebrated for the rest of the evening.
On Sunday we got up and I knew it was going to be one of those bad days. Why you may ask? Well I was at a moderate pain level the day before and I was tired from all of the running around we did, so I knew eventually I would not be so lucky and things would catch up to me as they usually do.
So yesterday it hit and wouldn't you know it but I spent the majority of my actual birthday alone, laying on the couch with a heating pad praying that my pain would go away. Today has started out just as rough and I can only hope that tomorrow will be better. I am down to just about a month away from surgery and as scared as I am about the whole thing, I know that my body needs it, because my body needs to get better and is in a very bad state right now.
I keep telling my self that 2013 will be my year and I still have 9 months to see that really pull through for me.
Someday I will feel like I can live like a normal person and be the woman that I know that I can be, I just hope that time gets here soon.
I will say I was extremely surprised at the kindness of friends here and far away on birthday, just knowing that I have so many people that were thinking of me is a great thought to have. Even though ninety percent of them have no idea what is going on with me personally. This internal struggle to try and be the person I was just a few years ago has been very hard.
There is so much talk about mental illness these days, especially with the shootings that have happened. I don't think anyone realizes how bad of a hold depression can take on someone unless they have personally lived through it or gone through it with a close friend or loved one. It really does make you feel like a person that you are not. It is like being in this dark hole all alone and at the very bottom and not knowing how to get out. Sometimes you can function enough to do daily tasks and other times you just can't.
I know that happens to me a lot, I will get through everything I need to do during the week, but the minute I am done I am home and in my room. Then on the weekends I just don't want to get out of bed.
Did I ever think this is what my life wold be like at the age of 31? No not at all... but I do know that I am working through it the best that I can.
On Sunday we got up and I knew it was going to be one of those bad days. Why you may ask? Well I was at a moderate pain level the day before and I was tired from all of the running around we did, so I knew eventually I would not be so lucky and things would catch up to me as they usually do.
So yesterday it hit and wouldn't you know it but I spent the majority of my actual birthday alone, laying on the couch with a heating pad praying that my pain would go away. Today has started out just as rough and I can only hope that tomorrow will be better. I am down to just about a month away from surgery and as scared as I am about the whole thing, I know that my body needs it, because my body needs to get better and is in a very bad state right now.
I keep telling my self that 2013 will be my year and I still have 9 months to see that really pull through for me.
Someday I will feel like I can live like a normal person and be the woman that I know that I can be, I just hope that time gets here soon.
I will say I was extremely surprised at the kindness of friends here and far away on birthday, just knowing that I have so many people that were thinking of me is a great thought to have. Even though ninety percent of them have no idea what is going on with me personally. This internal struggle to try and be the person I was just a few years ago has been very hard.
There is so much talk about mental illness these days, especially with the shootings that have happened. I don't think anyone realizes how bad of a hold depression can take on someone unless they have personally lived through it or gone through it with a close friend or loved one. It really does make you feel like a person that you are not. It is like being in this dark hole all alone and at the very bottom and not knowing how to get out. Sometimes you can function enough to do daily tasks and other times you just can't.
I know that happens to me a lot, I will get through everything I need to do during the week, but the minute I am done I am home and in my room. Then on the weekends I just don't want to get out of bed.
Did I ever think this is what my life wold be like at the age of 31? No not at all... but I do know that I am working through it the best that I can.
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