Time for reflection

My depression has kicked up majorly lately. Even with the medications, I just can't seem to work my way out of this deep hole I seem to be sitting at the bottom of.

I was messaging and old friend today and I told her that is exactly how I felt. It is so hard to admit it and really the only way to describe how I feel without someone worrying that I may harm myself. The one thing I do not have is a feeling of harm. What I want to do is run as far away as possible from what I know to be my life.

What amazes me is how different my life has become since August 2011 and how different I have become. I have become the person that I do not recognize any more. I am so upset with how everything seems to be going, that I don't know who I am any more.

The silliest of things makes me cry like crazy and then I just cannot seem to stop once I get started.

Today I made a call to see a pain psychologist here in PA, because I just do not know what else to do. I need someone to talk to who can help me work through this. My brain already constantly sends pain signals all over my body making everything from inside to the outside feel absolutely miserably.

I keep telling myself that it will make me stronger,  I pray that it will make me stronger, and as the days go by  I have a harder time believing that it is actually happening.

Holiday time

Okay so the loneliest time EVER is around Holidays. Even just a long holiday weekend.

So I probably over did myself today, trying to clean and organize my bedroom. So my body is revolting a good bit right now and I could not sleep last night.

I hope to get a good nights sleep tonight.

Also other dangers... I picked up a jewelry making kit at the craft store. This could be trouble.

We may have caught a break

Well although this week has been pretty miserable and humid and hot... I think this morning we may have actually hit a breakthrough.

I went in to see my surgeon and the lab results came back from when he took out the drains last week, and it actually gave us the names of three bacteria that are in my leg causing this problem. So I have been on one broad-spectrum IV antibiotic and one oral antibiotic. Well the oral one is one I need to take care of this and now we are going to have to get the IV antibiotic switched. So I go to see the infectious disease doctor tomorrow.

I really hope this helps to give us the turning point so that the infection can actually be out of my body. I have been on antibiotics for just under two months with no luck and them fully fixing the problem.

This week has been so bad. I have been exhausted, I have had 3 night where I literally did not sleep at all. When you are trying to fight off an infection and your body has been at it for so long, sleep is truly something you need a lot of. My pain level has also spiked quite a bit the past few days. I feel like I am being stabbed over and over again.

So once the infection is gone and the swelling in my leg goes down, I can begin the next steps in the recovery process. Which means: PT, regular medicine schedule, going out and having a little more fun, trying to lift my spirits and hopefully sleep better and more.

So although I was hoping to be home today, I will take knowing that we finally have lab results in that are going to get us results. It may take a few weeks, but it will happen.

One thing I can say and I already knew this but I had never really experienced this myself. Is that infections are mean, ugly monsters that really try and ruin everything inside of you. They may stay in one spot, but they as a succubus for lack of a better term.  So for now I am not going to start jumping around in celebration just yet, because I know it will take time for the meds to work and for me to start seeing a difference.

I am ready for this to start turning around.

And you know you have a problem when...

ALL YOU DO IS GO TO THE DOCTORS!

You know I have gotten use to the whole weekly or bi-weekly treatments I was getting. Right now those days are long gone until this infection takes a hike up the river.

I went to the infectious disease doctor today and they took some samples and decided that I am still staying on IV antibiotics for another 7-10 days along with the other antibiotics that I am on.

Right now I am so sick of medicine. I fall asleep for no reason during the day, everything hurts and makes everything else worse.

I feel like I really do live in a hole, one that I can't crawl out of. I want to cry all of the time, because everything is so dam overwhelming.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have no social life and all of my friends well I only get to see them if I am visiting for doctors appointments. I am not fully sure the last time I really went out and had a good time. I am worried about not being able to go to a very close friends wedding in a few weeks, because I cannot fly to get there. I want an escape from what has turned into my reality.

These past two years have been a literal hell for me. I know that at some point I will catch a break, and they always say you hit your break when you are at your all time low. Well I am at that all time low and I am reaching as far as I can to get out.

Now there are a few things that make me different where people can see something is wrong on the outside: the pain in my face, my walking cane for balance and the PICC line in my right arm.

Disability takes on many forms and this is mine: chronic severe pelvic pain coupled with a horrible infection in my left leg right now. Along with numerous other things including very severe depression.

An update on what my life now is...

Honestly I don't even know where to start on this right now, but I need to clear my head and just try and get this out.

My surgery back in April resulted in a bad infection, one we are still trying to narrow down. I went back in three weeks later for another surgery where they flushed my leg out with solution and medication. I have a PICC line installed and am taking IV antibiotics. I will be working directly with the home health care here.

After a month and a half of this going back and forth my doctor has decided it is best for me to be down here and make sure we get everything taken care of. So between dealing with my surgeon, the infectious disease doctor, and the hospital.

I am so thankful for my very helpful friends who live in the DC area, who allow me to stay at their houses because I really do not know how I would do this without them.

I go to doctors constantly, I feel the my life is just going to the doctors. I feel like I can barely keep it all straight any more. I feel horrible mentally and physically. My body is just so tired of trying to fight what is going on that I feel that it doesn't want to do this any more.

So now I am looking at finding a place for next week and looking to get fully treated by the best doctors I can get to, here in the DC area.

My life needs a change, my body needs rest (I feel like I sleep the best when they put me under anesthesia), and if there was any time to take vacation from everything in life, it would be right now.

I know there are more things I want to say, but right now I think my brain is still trying to process it all. One of the hardest things in the world is going from being a fast paced, fun loving person to someone who lives in a deep depression and in constant pain. Your life changes so drastically. I know I am now alone out there, but it is probably one of the hardest things in the world to admit.

This is not something any of us should take lightly no matter what health issue we have. IC can control your life, pain can, nerves, some of the tiniest parts of our body can just make us miserable and you cannot stop until you find out how to fix it. It may be exhausting, but DON"t give up no matter how much you may want to. I have to tell myself this daily and I will continue to until I am me again.