I haven't written in a while

I tell you what sometimes life just gets the best of you. I have been so busy lately, with work and going to the doctors that I don't feel like I am ever home. My bedroom shows this as it is a disaster!

Anyhow I am still in the rat race of trying to get better although it just seems to keep circling around. I started working out this week, I did 30 minutes on the treadmill... so that is something. I don't know what the future seems to hold for my body, although I am hoping for better results in 2013 than I have had the past two years.

I am still on all of the medication, part of me wonders if stopping it to see what it would do would be a bad idea or a good one. I would level on the side of bad from the one time I forgot to take it.

All I want is to feel normal again and feel like I can actually do things like a normal person. This is something that I really have yet to feel I have experienced. My weight is higher than it has been in a long time, not being able to have physical activity really messed with that especially over the holidays.

Part of me is thinking going back to PT a few times a month may not be a bad idea, I just don't know where I have the time to do it right now.

I feel like my outlook on what my future may look like has changed drastically over the past year in many ways I do not know if I will ever see it differently at all.

Right now my biggest hope is that I get a good chunk of money back from my taxes so that I can put it towards my medical bills. I just can't get ahead, my guess is over the summer I am going to have to take a second job to be able to pay my bills. Hopefully by then my body can handle it.

I got an EMG the other day, that hurt like crazy. I go in to see my doctor again Wednesday and we will find out what the next step is.

Life is just exhausting!

Trying to do a little good

Most of my life I have struggled with my weight. Everyone always comes up with New Years Resolutions to lose weight, work out more, etc.

My biggest goal for this year is to feel better about myself, which is really hard when you really feel miserable all of the time. Now on the good news front I got my doctor to agree to let me use a treadmill to workout right now, as compared to walking in the pool, so that will add up to some calories burned. I need to get back to feeling as good about my body as I can and I think it will help my overall well-being.

So I was thinking to myself that maybe I can try to motivate my younger sister, now I have done this in the past but with little to no success. She will be entering her last year of college come next fall and will then be interviewing for jobs. Well the good news is that she finally wants to take the step to feel better about herself, which is what I have gotten through our conversations.

Due to this I have issued her a challenge, if she can get to 200 lbs by the end of year, this will mean she will be losing a good amount of weight to do so, that I will purchase her a material gift of fairly substantial value. I told her I would go along the lines of a Michael Kors watch so she has something nice when she goes out into the working world.

The good news is that she has accepted this challenge, now we are only in day two, but I told her she has to check in monthly with progress reports. I really hope that she makes this change and makes it for good, because I know how much better it will make her feel and I know this because at one time I was her, but it took me a lot longer to do something about it.

Anyhow time to finish up Friday, it is officially one week to my big event next week. I had a doctors appointment Wednesday, I looked at my belly last night I have some bruising from the injections... go figure. Which just makes the pain a little worse.

The end of the year and hopefully a new beginning

So long 2012, you were not exactly the best year in my 30 years on this earth, for countless reasons which I have been writing about in this blog for the past few months.

I am still so upset with my body and I fight every day to try and get that feeling to go away, but it seems to just get harder not easier. Yesterday I had to go shopping for some new khakis and I was so dismayed while trying to find something that fit and did not hurt at the same time.

I did manage 30 minutes of exercise on a stationary bike yesterday, first actual exercise of the year, that wasn't physical therapy... but boy did I pay for it later.  My goal for 2013 is to work out more and attempt to strengthen my body as much as I can to try and get through these diagnosis and problems.

I spent part of yesterday making healthy food to eat this week, so that I don't have to think too much about preparing breakfast and lunch if nothing else. I also did a lot of sitting around with heat and my Empi stym machine because I was in pain all weekend as well. 

So my goal is to keep a positive outlook for 2013. 

I look forward to a wonderful night tonight with great friends and welcoming 2013 which I truly hope and pray will bring a better outlook on life and a happier and healthier New Year not only for myself, but also for those people who have been there for me and who I am very honored to call my friends. Happy New Year everyone... CHEERS!

Catching Up

Well I am back to work and attempting to get my self back in order: sleep schedule, proper eating, exercise, and making some plans with friends.

I have a huge event coming up on January 11-13th, which I am not fully prepared for and I have to hope I can get through.

I cancelled my weekly appointment yesterday, because I just could not handle sitting in a car for 4 hours after that 9+ hour drive home Wednesday. It hurt me and I needed the treatment but I just could not do it, seriously though, my bladder really hates me.

What I did was went and picked up some supplies for my Empi unit to use to help calm my pain and spoke with my physical therapist that I will end up coming back for some treatments most likely here in the next month or so. I have a feeling I am going to need her at points. It was good to catch up with her and let her know how I was doing since I have not seen her since before my surgery.

Today I am trying to get some brackets done and listening to Les Miserables as I work. I am planning to see the movie this weekend.

Well time to get back to work I guess.

Getting over/through the Holidays

Well Christmas is over, it was great to be back home with friends and family, I really enjoyed being around those that mean so much to me. I drove past and visited my childhood home where I have so many great holiday memories from. I tried to visit my grandparents at the cemetery but of course it was not plowed and there was a foot of snow. I drove through a storm on Friday night to get back.

Good old South Main St. in Meadville, what a  beautiful old house. 

I did take a little bit of a break from email and the computer. I did post to Facebook and Twitter, but I really wanted to focus on being around those people that who have supported me through all of this. I even saw some people I did not expect to see which is always nice.

I had some hurdles to get through and had a talk with my brother about all of this and kind of laid out how I was feeling to him, so I hope that helps us to make some necessary changes moving forward. I have not fully told most people what is wrong with me because I do feel some of it is extremely personal, but I needed my brother to know I need support if nothing else and I feel that is something that has really been lacking.

Yesterday, I had to drive back. Let me tell you what, I should have left at 9 am even though I had a few errands I had to run. Driving home on I-80 when no plows are out in a white out where your windshield wipers keep freezing is not ok. My usual 5 hour drive turned into 9+ hours. I got home, unpacked my car as much as I could handle and just sat down on the coach and tried to relax.

This photo is what my drive home looked like, I took it while stopped at a rest stop!

I also ended up cancelling my doctors appointment today, because quite frankly I could not sit in a car for 4 hours today, even though I do need my treatment, my body needs  a break. This was my longest car trip since my surgery which already gave me anxiety but that trip home just made it worse!

So back to work and the normal grind. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas.

Also another good thing... there will be no more cookie baking until next Christmas. Although according to my 13 year old brother his favorite part of Christmas was my creme de menthe cookies. :) So I must have done something right.

Depression and other Mental Illness

Not that I want to be a person who tries to compare any part of my life to the tragedy that happened in Newtown, CT last week. I feel horrible for those students, parents, teachers, first responders and the community, I think they have been in the thoughts and prayers of everyone this past week, including mine.

Now, one thing I can talk about is depression and that is because I suffer with it daily. Some days I am fine and others are just a big deep black hole. This past Tuesday was one of those black holes and Wednesday did not get much better.

Tuesday after my doctors appointment my pain was just so bad I did not know what to do. I could barely walk, I just look miserable as I moved around the office. Tuesday night didn't get much better.

Wednesday I woke up still in pain, but not quite as bad and just tried to get through what was going to be another extremely busy day.

So here we go just a few days before Christmas. The Holidays although they are meant to be fun and cheerful really are not always what they are cracked up to be for some people.  Take me for instance I try so hard to be happy about the holidays, I do the baking, wrapping of gifts, etc. But behind all of that I am just constantly sad and feel like I cannot climb out of the hole that I am in.

Can you hide it... yes you can. Can you hid it all of the time... the answer is no! Something happened on Tuesday night that hit me pretty hard and I just couldn't deal with it, there has been a lot of crying since. Although I usually break down at night when I am in bed and alone, this time I did it at my office while talking with a friend. Sometimes it just gets you.

Even with treatment, sometimes you just have to sit back and take a deep breath, but there are times when that is just not going to cut it.

Am I excited to go home and see my family and friends... of course I am. However, it brings other things to light to. I was talking to my dad about some of this last night and he goes Tammy it will get better sometimes it just takes time. Well I for one am tired of waiting and putting my life on hold because of how miserable I feel daily. He told me he wishes they were around to help, which in all honesty I am not sure if that would be a help or more stress and don't get me wrong I love my family, but sometimes I just can't take them.

So if you have a loved one that is having a hard time just be patient with them, everyone has struggles deep down inside of them, sometimes more than they want to share with the world. So don't judge them and just be supportive and if they truly need help, get them the professional help that they need.

Make your time count

It is officially one week until Christmas. I tell you what, Christmas has completely overwhelmed me this year in every way possible.  I did manage to spend most of yesterday wrapping gifts, making chocolate covered pretzels and fudge. I still have some cookies to frost and another batch to bake to take back to my brothers when I leave on Friday. I do feel better about getting a lot done yesterday and taking all day to do it.

Not to mention Friday night was our annual Christmas Party which had at least 30 people if not more in attendance, we had a great time and I was so glad to see so many of my friends in attendance, which made for a very late night.

I got my packages shipped to my family in Florida and my family gift exchange gift to the person I will not see, so that is one check off of the list.

Today... one thing I know for sure is my bladder hates me and I am glad that I am going in for a treatment tomorrow. It is one thing to know you have to go pee, it is another to be in excruciating pain because you have pee. THIS IS NOT OK EVER! To those of you out there with IC that read this, I know you can relate, it is a miserable feeling even when you are doing everything you can to try and keep your body calm.

One thing I do know is I am grateful for the little things this year and on Saturday, I was able to meet a very good friend for dinner in Bethlehem, PA, which was mid way for both of us. On the way home I had a few Facebook notifications, I did of course wait until I got home to check them (yes I was being a safe driver).

Much to my surprise I had written on a local jewelers Facebook page that they were doing a contest with. Here was the question:
          Best "fill in the blank" answer WINS a little something for under YOUR tree!!!
          "All I want from Ream Jewelers this year is ______________"

So I figured what the heck, why not say what I would really like and what it would mean. I am all about jewelry having meaning to me. My claddagh ring was a present from my parents on my 18th birthday, on my 21st birthday I received my birthstone set in white gold. On my right hand I wear the first diamonds I have ever owned that I saved up and bought for myself.  So for the question above I thought back with reflection on this year:

"A Michael Kors watch to remind me that every minute of every day is important and to know that each minute we get is a             blessing. In good times and in bad times we need to keep ticking.... something I tell myself daily as I try and get through the pain, surgeries and doctors appointments."

This year has been a struggle, even worse than 2011 and I really do just have to take it one day and sometimes one minute at a time. This year brought me two surgeries, depression, severe chronic pain,  countless doctors appointments and procedures, lots of medication, travel to see all of these specialist, physical therapy, and some other issues I am sure I am forgetting. I have had to learn to live my life much differently which has been extremely hard and coming to terms with all of this has been even harder. Although I have physically done this alone, I have so many wonderful friends to be thankful for and I don't know what I would do without them.

So my new jewelry goal is a beautiful Michael Kors watch which I have on layaway and will slowly pay off, since my bills and medications have to take precedence. The $50 gift card that Ream Jewelers is giving me from this contest is going directly to this watch and it means so much sometimes to know that there are kind and giving people out there who will do something as simple as this when it will in turn mean so much to me in the future.

This year I have made it my goal to shop locally and buy local as much as I can. I have made some fairly big and necessary purchases all from local family owned businesses. This just encourages me to keep doing so and has earned another loyal customer, plus what young lady doesn't love jewelry? I can't wait to stop in tomorrow and apply my gift to my purchase, so in the spirit of the season Merry Christmas! I hope that everyone out there gets some type of special Christmas wish that comes true.