The end of the year and hopefully a new beginning

So long 2012, you were not exactly the best year in my 30 years on this earth, for countless reasons which I have been writing about in this blog for the past few months.

I am still so upset with my body and I fight every day to try and get that feeling to go away, but it seems to just get harder not easier. Yesterday I had to go shopping for some new khakis and I was so dismayed while trying to find something that fit and did not hurt at the same time.

I did manage 30 minutes of exercise on a stationary bike yesterday, first actual exercise of the year, that wasn't physical therapy... but boy did I pay for it later.  My goal for 2013 is to work out more and attempt to strengthen my body as much as I can to try and get through these diagnosis and problems.

I spent part of yesterday making healthy food to eat this week, so that I don't have to think too much about preparing breakfast and lunch if nothing else. I also did a lot of sitting around with heat and my Empi stym machine because I was in pain all weekend as well. 

So my goal is to keep a positive outlook for 2013. 

I look forward to a wonderful night tonight with great friends and welcoming 2013 which I truly hope and pray will bring a better outlook on life and a happier and healthier New Year not only for myself, but also for those people who have been there for me and who I am very honored to call my friends. Happy New Year everyone... CHEERS!

Catching Up

Well I am back to work and attempting to get my self back in order: sleep schedule, proper eating, exercise, and making some plans with friends.

I have a huge event coming up on January 11-13th, which I am not fully prepared for and I have to hope I can get through.

I cancelled my weekly appointment yesterday, because I just could not handle sitting in a car for 4 hours after that 9+ hour drive home Wednesday. It hurt me and I needed the treatment but I just could not do it, seriously though, my bladder really hates me.

What I did was went and picked up some supplies for my Empi unit to use to help calm my pain and spoke with my physical therapist that I will end up coming back for some treatments most likely here in the next month or so. I have a feeling I am going to need her at points. It was good to catch up with her and let her know how I was doing since I have not seen her since before my surgery.

Today I am trying to get some brackets done and listening to Les Miserables as I work. I am planning to see the movie this weekend.

Well time to get back to work I guess.

Getting over/through the Holidays

Well Christmas is over, it was great to be back home with friends and family, I really enjoyed being around those that mean so much to me. I drove past and visited my childhood home where I have so many great holiday memories from. I tried to visit my grandparents at the cemetery but of course it was not plowed and there was a foot of snow. I drove through a storm on Friday night to get back.

Good old South Main St. in Meadville, what a  beautiful old house. 

I did take a little bit of a break from email and the computer. I did post to Facebook and Twitter, but I really wanted to focus on being around those people that who have supported me through all of this. I even saw some people I did not expect to see which is always nice.

I had some hurdles to get through and had a talk with my brother about all of this and kind of laid out how I was feeling to him, so I hope that helps us to make some necessary changes moving forward. I have not fully told most people what is wrong with me because I do feel some of it is extremely personal, but I needed my brother to know I need support if nothing else and I feel that is something that has really been lacking.

Yesterday, I had to drive back. Let me tell you what, I should have left at 9 am even though I had a few errands I had to run. Driving home on I-80 when no plows are out in a white out where your windshield wipers keep freezing is not ok. My usual 5 hour drive turned into 9+ hours. I got home, unpacked my car as much as I could handle and just sat down on the coach and tried to relax.

This photo is what my drive home looked like, I took it while stopped at a rest stop!

I also ended up cancelling my doctors appointment today, because quite frankly I could not sit in a car for 4 hours today, even though I do need my treatment, my body needs  a break. This was my longest car trip since my surgery which already gave me anxiety but that trip home just made it worse!

So back to work and the normal grind. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas.

Also another good thing... there will be no more cookie baking until next Christmas. Although according to my 13 year old brother his favorite part of Christmas was my creme de menthe cookies. :) So I must have done something right.

Depression and other Mental Illness

Not that I want to be a person who tries to compare any part of my life to the tragedy that happened in Newtown, CT last week. I feel horrible for those students, parents, teachers, first responders and the community, I think they have been in the thoughts and prayers of everyone this past week, including mine.

Now, one thing I can talk about is depression and that is because I suffer with it daily. Some days I am fine and others are just a big deep black hole. This past Tuesday was one of those black holes and Wednesday did not get much better.

Tuesday after my doctors appointment my pain was just so bad I did not know what to do. I could barely walk, I just look miserable as I moved around the office. Tuesday night didn't get much better.

Wednesday I woke up still in pain, but not quite as bad and just tried to get through what was going to be another extremely busy day.

So here we go just a few days before Christmas. The Holidays although they are meant to be fun and cheerful really are not always what they are cracked up to be for some people.  Take me for instance I try so hard to be happy about the holidays, I do the baking, wrapping of gifts, etc. But behind all of that I am just constantly sad and feel like I cannot climb out of the hole that I am in.

Can you hide it... yes you can. Can you hid it all of the time... the answer is no! Something happened on Tuesday night that hit me pretty hard and I just couldn't deal with it, there has been a lot of crying since. Although I usually break down at night when I am in bed and alone, this time I did it at my office while talking with a friend. Sometimes it just gets you.

Even with treatment, sometimes you just have to sit back and take a deep breath, but there are times when that is just not going to cut it.

Am I excited to go home and see my family and friends... of course I am. However, it brings other things to light to. I was talking to my dad about some of this last night and he goes Tammy it will get better sometimes it just takes time. Well I for one am tired of waiting and putting my life on hold because of how miserable I feel daily. He told me he wishes they were around to help, which in all honesty I am not sure if that would be a help or more stress and don't get me wrong I love my family, but sometimes I just can't take them.

So if you have a loved one that is having a hard time just be patient with them, everyone has struggles deep down inside of them, sometimes more than they want to share with the world. So don't judge them and just be supportive and if they truly need help, get them the professional help that they need.

Make your time count

It is officially one week until Christmas. I tell you what, Christmas has completely overwhelmed me this year in every way possible.  I did manage to spend most of yesterday wrapping gifts, making chocolate covered pretzels and fudge. I still have some cookies to frost and another batch to bake to take back to my brothers when I leave on Friday. I do feel better about getting a lot done yesterday and taking all day to do it.

Not to mention Friday night was our annual Christmas Party which had at least 30 people if not more in attendance, we had a great time and I was so glad to see so many of my friends in attendance, which made for a very late night.

I got my packages shipped to my family in Florida and my family gift exchange gift to the person I will not see, so that is one check off of the list.

Today... one thing I know for sure is my bladder hates me and I am glad that I am going in for a treatment tomorrow. It is one thing to know you have to go pee, it is another to be in excruciating pain because you have pee. THIS IS NOT OK EVER! To those of you out there with IC that read this, I know you can relate, it is a miserable feeling even when you are doing everything you can to try and keep your body calm.

One thing I do know is I am grateful for the little things this year and on Saturday, I was able to meet a very good friend for dinner in Bethlehem, PA, which was mid way for both of us. On the way home I had a few Facebook notifications, I did of course wait until I got home to check them (yes I was being a safe driver).

Much to my surprise I had written on a local jewelers Facebook page that they were doing a contest with. Here was the question:
          Best "fill in the blank" answer WINS a little something for under YOUR tree!!!
          "All I want from Ream Jewelers this year is ______________"

So I figured what the heck, why not say what I would really like and what it would mean. I am all about jewelry having meaning to me. My claddagh ring was a present from my parents on my 18th birthday, on my 21st birthday I received my birthstone set in white gold. On my right hand I wear the first diamonds I have ever owned that I saved up and bought for myself.  So for the question above I thought back with reflection on this year:

"A Michael Kors watch to remind me that every minute of every day is important and to know that each minute we get is a             blessing. In good times and in bad times we need to keep ticking.... something I tell myself daily as I try and get through the pain, surgeries and doctors appointments."

This year has been a struggle, even worse than 2011 and I really do just have to take it one day and sometimes one minute at a time. This year brought me two surgeries, depression, severe chronic pain,  countless doctors appointments and procedures, lots of medication, travel to see all of these specialist, physical therapy, and some other issues I am sure I am forgetting. I have had to learn to live my life much differently which has been extremely hard and coming to terms with all of this has been even harder. Although I have physically done this alone, I have so many wonderful friends to be thankful for and I don't know what I would do without them.

So my new jewelry goal is a beautiful Michael Kors watch which I have on layaway and will slowly pay off, since my bills and medications have to take precedence. The $50 gift card that Ream Jewelers is giving me from this contest is going directly to this watch and it means so much sometimes to know that there are kind and giving people out there who will do something as simple as this when it will in turn mean so much to me in the future.

This year I have made it my goal to shop locally and buy local as much as I can. I have made some fairly big and necessary purchases all from local family owned businesses. This just encourages me to keep doing so and has earned another loyal customer, plus what young lady doesn't love jewelry? I can't wait to stop in tomorrow and apply my gift to my purchase, so in the spirit of the season Merry Christmas! I hope that everyone out there gets some type of special Christmas wish that comes true.

My spleen is better than your spleen...

Yes that is exactly what I called and told my 24 year old brother today. A few weeks ago he went into the hospital with acute pain, it just ended up he has a bruised spleen and potentially an ego since he got it playing  basketball at work.

So I know my spleen is ok because of the CT Scan I received last week. Anyhow, they were looking for a hernia which they did not find or anything abnormal in my pelvis, which they did not find. There are some calcifications in my gallbladder though, which could mean that may need to come out here soon if it begins to bother me.

So now we are looking at my problem is strictly in my nerves, my femoral nerve and another nerve in my leg I do not remember the name of. I received a nerve block today which took away that pain, but that is temporary for only a few hours.

My doctor has ordered some other test on the femoral nerve that I need to have done before we decide to go any further with treatment. So this could mean another surgery in my left groin area. I need to wait and see what is going on and it is a horrible time of the year with the holidays and work so I am sure I won't get this appointment until later in January. I was also told I cannot go alone so I am going to have to find a friend to drag to Baltimore with me.

So my anxiety about the CT Scan results is better, but now I have all of these other thoughts racing through my head. In all reality I want this to end. Today is 12-12-12 a very strange date on the calendar that well is a once in a lifetime type of day and I spent most of it at the doctors getting this news.

All I can say is that I am really ready for 2013 and I hope it brings better things for my health and my life.

I have decided I am going to start doing more physical activity it is going to hurt, but I am not going to make it through working my next few events without it.

Why can't life just be easy... I hate feeling this way.

Getting through the day/week

I don't know about you, but sometimes just looking at the calendar makes me anxious.

For instance this week we will start with yesterday:

• Sunday - committee meeting 11:30
• Monday - 8-5ish then run errands
• Tuesday - 5 am PT, drive 2 hours for a 9 am doctors appointment, drive directly back to work. After work stop at home drop off gym bag, grab overnight bag, drive to DC.
• Wednesday - 8:45 am appointment with surgeon to go over my CT results from last week, drive back come directly to work, clean the house
• Thursday - work 8-5ish again then home to clean and bake
• Friday - work 8-5ish then home to set up for my annual Christmas Party
• Saturday - head up to NJ to meet up with friend stay the night to be closer to NYC
• Sunday - The Grapple in the Apple at Madison Square Garden

That is my week in a very tiny nutshell and I wonder why I feel the way I do.

Barely made it out of bed

So today is Thursday, which I usually go to the gym at 5:30 am and have my accountability buddies here from work. Well that did not happen this morning. Between starting a new medication and having a crazy week, my body did not want to go anywhere. Right now it still doesn't want to do anything but here I am sitting at work, in my sweatpants and fleece. I just want to be warm and bundled up and even with the medicine the pain is not going away.

Someone posted this today on Facebook and all I could think was this is so true, but still so hard.

One of those days

Well for the first time in a month I went to the doctors and got my injections which is a good thing, because I really needed them. My doctor worked to re-assure me that I am doing okay and my body still has a lot of healing to do as we work on taking care of all of me not just one part of me.

Stress is just such a huge factor and being a Type A personality that wants to control everything really doesn't help at all.

So I came home tonight and drank my barium drink, I have to start another one tomorrow and then I will walk over to the hospital and get this CT Scan done, not knowing what it might show. Which if it does show anything I am to report that back to my doctor.

I was put on another medication tonight as well... to help with my nerves and to try and get them firing properly. It amazes me how messed up my body is. I just want to be a normal person again. I feel like I try so hard to feel normal and it just fires right back at me and says hello no. It is the most frustrating thing in the entire world.

But I still strive to be normal... whatever normal is. The last time I remember normal I was at a friends wedding in upstate New York having an absolute blast. Next thing I know my life changed with what I thought was a bladder infection that just got worse and worse ... and that was August of 2011.

It is December 2012, since I have turned 30 I have had two surgeries, I can't even count the number of doctors appointments, trips to the pharmacy, injections, etc that I have had to endure.

I thank God that I have some great friends who have really been there for me, they are the only reason I have made it through this... even if it is just a quick text to check on how I am doing, sometimes that means the world.

So tomorrow I have a CT, work, a meeting and I start yet another medication. The only good news when the doctor asked if I was on this medication I told him no and I was right, being that I can't keep my meds straight to begin with.

Now I will be going back to weekly doctors appointments to try and get my angry bladder to calm down. IC really does SUCK!

Finally

On Thursday while I was on business in Springfield, Illinois, I received a call from my surgeon that my CT Scan was finally approved by the insurance. I felt so relieved to be able to go in and get this imaging done to my body.

Although at the same time I am scared that they won't see a hernia and that means more nerves have to go. I guess right now I just need to keep a positive attitude towards everything and really try and just continue to take it one day at a time.

What I do know is I feel extremely overwhelmed right now. Maybe it is the holidays, my health, things going on with my family, work... maybe it is everything just snowballing into one big issue that just makes me feel like I have no control and I just want to cry. Depression is really, truly a horrible thing.

I continue to try and do things that make happy, I continue to try and do things to take my mind off of everything. One thing you cannot do... is take your mind off of pain when it will not go away.

Sometimes it just feels like a big hole you can't climb out of.

I do get to go see my doctor on Tuesday for some treatments and I am going to discuss all of this with him. Wednesday morning is my CT Scan. After that I will be making my appointment in DC to see the surgeon again.

All this seems to add to me is more chaos and stress. It is so hard to explain to people, sometimes I just don't even bother. I haven't even told most of my family the real truth to all of this, because I just don't want to face it all.

So for right now I will put my thoughts out here on my blog and hopefully it will clear my mind enough to let me try and sleep tonight.

I did a lot of cookie baking this weekend and I posted a photo to Facebook, my older cousin Chris said it reminded him of my Grandma Tedesco, she loved to bake and loved the holidays. I am not so sure I love the Holidays, but I do love to bake. It made me think back to how much I wish my grandparents would have been around longer. My grandmother died before I was born and my grandfather passed away when I was 5. I am sure they are looking down on us now, but part of me wishes I would have gotten to know this woman that my family says I remind them of so much.

See this is what the Holidays does to you... one day at a time and grin and bear it I guess.