This past weekend I celebrated my 31st birthday. It was great to have some of my family in to visit for the weekend and do some running around, which we did on Saturday. I also made reservations and we went out to dinner and had a few friends meet up with all of us. Then we went out to my favorite bar in town and celebrated for the rest of the evening.
On Sunday we got up and I knew it was going to be one of those bad days. Why you may ask? Well I was at a moderate pain level the day before and I was tired from all of the running around we did, so I knew eventually I would not be so lucky and things would catch up to me as they usually do.
So yesterday it hit and wouldn't you know it but I spent the majority of my actual birthday alone, laying on the couch with a heating pad praying that my pain would go away. Today has started out just as rough and I can only hope that tomorrow will be better. I am down to just about a month away from surgery and as scared as I am about the whole thing, I know that my body needs it, because my body needs to get better and is in a very bad state right now.
I keep telling my self that 2013 will be my year and I still have 9 months to see that really pull through for me.
Someday I will feel like I can live like a normal person and be the woman that I know that I can be, I just hope that time gets here soon.
I will say I was extremely surprised at the kindness of friends here and far away on birthday, just knowing that I have so many people that were thinking of me is a great thought to have. Even though ninety percent of them have no idea what is going on with me personally. This internal struggle to try and be the person I was just a few years ago has been very hard.
There is so much talk about mental illness these days, especially with the shootings that have happened. I don't think anyone realizes how bad of a hold depression can take on someone unless they have personally lived through it or gone through it with a close friend or loved one. It really does make you feel like a person that you are not. It is like being in this dark hole all alone and at the very bottom and not knowing how to get out. Sometimes you can function enough to do daily tasks and other times you just can't.
I know that happens to me a lot, I will get through everything I need to do during the week, but the minute I am done I am home and in my room. Then on the weekends I just don't want to get out of bed.
Did I ever think this is what my life wold be like at the age of 31? No not at all... but I do know that I am working through it the best that I can.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
2013 Needs to be my year
I write this as I am getting ready to approach my 31st birthday this coming Sunday, and although I am not really keen on reading into horoscopes I decided to look at what this one had to say today: http://shine.yahoo.com/horoscope/pisces/overview-yearly-2013.html
I have been telling myself that 2013 will be my year. My lucky number was 13, my jersey number in high school was 13. I turn 31 on 03-03-13, so to me it seems like something sure is lining up, but then again it could just be a bunch of 3's. :)
My goal was I was going to get a tattoo for my birthday, but I have to wait until after surgery. It does have some of these components built in and it is truly me.
This year will be my year and I will make it through all of these trials and hurdles to ultimately succeed!
I have been telling myself that 2013 will be my year. My lucky number was 13, my jersey number in high school was 13. I turn 31 on 03-03-13, so to me it seems like something sure is lining up, but then again it could just be a bunch of 3's. :)
My goal was I was going to get a tattoo for my birthday, but I have to wait until after surgery. It does have some of these components built in and it is truly me.
This year will be my year and I will make it through all of these trials and hurdles to ultimately succeed!
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
IC + Severe Nerve Pain = Disaster
I was thinking about this the other day and I realized that it has been just under one year since I was diagnosed with IC. I had surgery on March 29th and my condition worsened drastically, I then found a specialist and was diagnosed around April 18th with a long list of conditions starting with IC.
So nearing a year I feel as though I have been put on more medications to try and help, I am currently still seeking weekly treatments from my doctor and I still don't feel like myself. I have definitely had to become a stronger person this year. Although I know I am strong and can take on the world, this has really tested my mind and body.
I ran a large tournament in Minnesota this past weekend which meant plane travel and long hours, before the tournament started I had to ask the Athletic Trainer if I could have some treatment so I could make it through the day. So here I was before my own event on the table getting heat to try and calm my pain down and explain what was going on. I have to say I have always been blessed to have great Athletic Trainers around me, because of my job in sports, they really do a great job and are caring people.
I found this today and I wanted to share it because it is so true and it reminds me of this journey that I am on, especially as I look towards another surgery in early April.
So nearing a year I feel as though I have been put on more medications to try and help, I am currently still seeking weekly treatments from my doctor and I still don't feel like myself. I have definitely had to become a stronger person this year. Although I know I am strong and can take on the world, this has really tested my mind and body.
I ran a large tournament in Minnesota this past weekend which meant plane travel and long hours, before the tournament started I had to ask the Athletic Trainer if I could have some treatment so I could make it through the day. So here I was before my own event on the table getting heat to try and calm my pain down and explain what was going on. I have to say I have always been blessed to have great Athletic Trainers around me, because of my job in sports, they really do a great job and are caring people.
I found this today and I wanted to share it because it is so true and it reminds me of this journey that I am on, especially as I look towards another surgery in early April.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Sometime's it is the little things
I was thinking about this today and every now and then you just really think how am I going to get through all of this. Then something kind of hits you out of no where and lets you know that someone else has you in their thoughts enough to give you a call and check on you or send you a thank you note.
Today I walked into work and there was a handwritten thank you on my desk, completely unexpected but it meant a lot, even if it was a simple gesture.
Today I walked into work and there was a handwritten thank you on my desk, completely unexpected but it meant a lot, even if it was a simple gesture.
The Trouble with Travel
To any of my followers (if any of you are out there) with IC, you know that traveling can be a severe pain.... literally!
Saturday I was to make a 4+ hour drive to Ithaca, NY. I was packed and ready the night before I decided I would go to bed and get a good nights sleep, which I did. Then it hit me, I went to get out of bed when my alarm went off and I was struck with the wall of pain the minute I moved.
I had a bunch of errands to run and things I wanted to do and I just felt absolutely miserable. So that makes at least five of seven days last week that I really could not function properly. It is really getting annoying.
Either way I made the trip, the rental car I got had heated seats so that made the trip a little more bearable.
Sunday was a bunch of running around and I just felt horrible, then driving home again after the event didn't help.
Today I feel like a waste of space, my pain is up, my body just wants to fully shut down and I am fighting it every step of the way because I have to be at work and have to get things done.
This is no way to live life.
The good news: less than 2 weeks until my birthday!
Saturday I was to make a 4+ hour drive to Ithaca, NY. I was packed and ready the night before I decided I would go to bed and get a good nights sleep, which I did. Then it hit me, I went to get out of bed when my alarm went off and I was struck with the wall of pain the minute I moved.
I had a bunch of errands to run and things I wanted to do and I just felt absolutely miserable. So that makes at least five of seven days last week that I really could not function properly. It is really getting annoying.
Either way I made the trip, the rental car I got had heated seats so that made the trip a little more bearable.
Sunday was a bunch of running around and I just felt horrible, then driving home again after the event didn't help.
Today I feel like a waste of space, my pain is up, my body just wants to fully shut down and I am fighting it every step of the way because I have to be at work and have to get things done.
This is no way to live life.
The good news: less than 2 weeks until my birthday!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
This is really getting old
Well my surgery is less than 2 months away... check that is on the calendar.
Doctors appointments weekly... check that is still on the calendar.
Feeling miserable a lot... takes over my entire life!
The past few days have just been absolutely horrible, the pain was just unbearable even with the medicaitons and stronger medications. I feel like my body has surpassed the boundary of what pain really should be and it made it worse. I was so just overwhelmed I almost called and cancelled my appointment because I did not want to be in the car for four hours. I am glad I went and we are trying out another medication I hope that will help, but it will take a little time before we see any changes.
Of course I was asked if I could move the surgery up and I said not a chance, to any of my wrestling fan friends, you obviously know why. Speaking of wrestling we took a huge hit this week with the IOC, dropping wrestling starting at the 2020 games, which is just bull!
I feel like I am doing everything to just keep myself together and that is taking everything that I have right now. I told my doctor let's just get through the next eight weeks and then figure it out from there. Then I will deal with the surgery and what I am going to do about that. Not to mention in the middle of all of this is my birthday, I never thought this is what my life would be like as I was getting ready to turn 31. In all honesty I thought I would be married by now with the beginnings of a family. I guess you never know where life will take you, but I know part of that road it won't be taking me on.
But since I was 29 I feel like all I have known in my life is this horrible pain that just creates a black whole. Yesterday I told my doctor that I literally could not get out of bed, every fiber of my being said no. It was such a challenge. I am thankful that I have understanding doctors. As of April 18th it will have been a year since I first saw this specialist, and March 29th marks the first surgery that lead me into this spiral of life.
Well all I can say is that my hope is still that my 31st year on this earth will still be a good one to me.
Doctors appointments weekly... check that is still on the calendar.
Feeling miserable a lot... takes over my entire life!
The past few days have just been absolutely horrible, the pain was just unbearable even with the medicaitons and stronger medications. I feel like my body has surpassed the boundary of what pain really should be and it made it worse. I was so just overwhelmed I almost called and cancelled my appointment because I did not want to be in the car for four hours. I am glad I went and we are trying out another medication I hope that will help, but it will take a little time before we see any changes.
Of course I was asked if I could move the surgery up and I said not a chance, to any of my wrestling fan friends, you obviously know why. Speaking of wrestling we took a huge hit this week with the IOC, dropping wrestling starting at the 2020 games, which is just bull!
I feel like I am doing everything to just keep myself together and that is taking everything that I have right now. I told my doctor let's just get through the next eight weeks and then figure it out from there. Then I will deal with the surgery and what I am going to do about that. Not to mention in the middle of all of this is my birthday, I never thought this is what my life would be like as I was getting ready to turn 31. In all honesty I thought I would be married by now with the beginnings of a family. I guess you never know where life will take you, but I know part of that road it won't be taking me on.
But since I was 29 I feel like all I have known in my life is this horrible pain that just creates a black whole. Yesterday I told my doctor that I literally could not get out of bed, every fiber of my being said no. It was such a challenge. I am thankful that I have understanding doctors. As of April 18th it will have been a year since I first saw this specialist, and March 29th marks the first surgery that lead me into this spiral of life.
Well all I can say is that my hope is still that my 31st year on this earth will still be a good one to me.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
What a day, 397 miles traveled, 2 appointments
So yesterday I had two appointments one was in Silver Spring, MD and the other in Bethlehem, PA.
I left my house before 6 am and did not make my appointment in Silver Spring due to horrible traffic on the Beltway. I got there 45 minutes late which they worked me into the schedule since I called and told them I was having issues. I am extremely lucky to have doctors that are so understanding.
So besides being extremely frustrated from traffic, being that I already have all of these crazy problems... it just adds to my severe pain. The surgeon was pleased with my EMG results from last week, because the function of muscles and nerves in my left leg are normal. What is not normal however are the sensory nerves that are in my groin area, where I always have pain. So we discussed what options were out there for a long-term solution to getting myself out of this pain. That lead us to where the doctor was expecting to go which is a nerve decompression.
Of course it is not normal to want to have to get cut open again, but in this case I want to be out of pain so bad that I will take making it worse to get better. That is what happened with my surgery in September so I have a good outlook on this even though it is an extra stress to my life right now in the busiest part of my work year. I have scheduled the surgery for April 9th and will have a long recovery. The good news is that the doctor does want me exercising, I can continue walking on the treadmill and I am to add swimming two times a week as well. He wants me to strengthen my body as much as I can, even though I am not allowed to lift or do anything too strenuous.
I was warned in advance that the surgery will be invasive and it will be painful, I am to expect a lot of pain after and that my physical therapy after will also be difficult.
Then I had the drive to Bethlehem, which was long and miserable. I had the worst case of road rage ever as I was worried I would be late to my appointment, I made it just in time which was good. In the mean time I had an issue with work and I had to find a Starbucks to get the internet. I was just stressed in every way possible.
At my second appointment of the day, I talked with the doctor and we altered some of my medications to try and help in the mean time, which makes me feel kind of foggy today (it probably doesn't help much that I did not sleep well and then hit the gym at 5 am). The doctor feels that he thinks that having this surgery will help calm everything else down as it is so painful right now. So I will continue getting treatments as well in the mean time.
I then talked with my doctor on how hard this is to try and talk to people about, because I just don't feel that people fully understand how miserable this feeling really is. He said that is extremely common from his patients and that it is something hard to explain and for people to understand. He once again told me however that this is something that is more common that we think when it comes to the IC and the issues within the pelvic floor (I have other issues going on as well, see the surgery remarks above).
I wish it was easier to talk about and for people to truly understand the pain that this causes. This will be my 3rd surgery in a year's time.
Right now I need to focus on everything else I have going on and in the mean time just try and make sure I am taking care of myself.
I left my house before 6 am and did not make my appointment in Silver Spring due to horrible traffic on the Beltway. I got there 45 minutes late which they worked me into the schedule since I called and told them I was having issues. I am extremely lucky to have doctors that are so understanding.
So besides being extremely frustrated from traffic, being that I already have all of these crazy problems... it just adds to my severe pain. The surgeon was pleased with my EMG results from last week, because the function of muscles and nerves in my left leg are normal. What is not normal however are the sensory nerves that are in my groin area, where I always have pain. So we discussed what options were out there for a long-term solution to getting myself out of this pain. That lead us to where the doctor was expecting to go which is a nerve decompression.
Of course it is not normal to want to have to get cut open again, but in this case I want to be out of pain so bad that I will take making it worse to get better. That is what happened with my surgery in September so I have a good outlook on this even though it is an extra stress to my life right now in the busiest part of my work year. I have scheduled the surgery for April 9th and will have a long recovery. The good news is that the doctor does want me exercising, I can continue walking on the treadmill and I am to add swimming two times a week as well. He wants me to strengthen my body as much as I can, even though I am not allowed to lift or do anything too strenuous.
I was warned in advance that the surgery will be invasive and it will be painful, I am to expect a lot of pain after and that my physical therapy after will also be difficult.
Then I had the drive to Bethlehem, which was long and miserable. I had the worst case of road rage ever as I was worried I would be late to my appointment, I made it just in time which was good. In the mean time I had an issue with work and I had to find a Starbucks to get the internet. I was just stressed in every way possible.
At my second appointment of the day, I talked with the doctor and we altered some of my medications to try and help in the mean time, which makes me feel kind of foggy today (it probably doesn't help much that I did not sleep well and then hit the gym at 5 am). The doctor feels that he thinks that having this surgery will help calm everything else down as it is so painful right now. So I will continue getting treatments as well in the mean time.
I then talked with my doctor on how hard this is to try and talk to people about, because I just don't feel that people fully understand how miserable this feeling really is. He said that is extremely common from his patients and that it is something hard to explain and for people to understand. He once again told me however that this is something that is more common that we think when it comes to the IC and the issues within the pelvic floor (I have other issues going on as well, see the surgery remarks above).
I wish it was easier to talk about and for people to truly understand the pain that this causes. This will be my 3rd surgery in a year's time.
Right now I need to focus on everything else I have going on and in the mean time just try and make sure I am taking care of myself.
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