Need to let it out

I am not fully sure what the issue is tonight, but I am super emotional. Now I am watching the 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremonies which London so far has done a great job with.

But personally I just want to sit here and cry. I think part of it is my depression, part of it is just being completely overwhelmed and having an exhausting week. Then knowing that next week is going to be exactly the same if not worse.

I know I am slowly getting better but I truly just don't feel that I am better. My goal tomorrow is to get up and at minimum hopefully it will be kind of nice out and I can go for a walk. I need to get a lot of laundry done and get my bags packed for my trip to Florida next week.

I have come up with a treatment plan for myself for next week so here is to hoping I can cope with things ok. I feel nervous that I will be going three weeks without seeing my physical therapist and my doctor for treatments.

I had to call the pharmacy today and make sure there were not any issues to get my prescriptions so I have them all to take with me. Just too many extra things to think of taking other than just packing my clothes. The fact that I have to continue to live like this scares me, I am not use to it.

After going to my friends wedding last weekend that was rough enough in travel, but I enjoyed every moment of being at the wedding and spending time with friends.

Well that is enough of my ranting for now, I need to get through this in my head... somehow.

Tuesday, Tuesday...

Well inevitably it is Tuesday and really right now I feel so overwhelmed I want to cry. Which probably means when I go to the doctor tomorrow I will cry. Not necessarily because I am going to get at least 20 shots with gigantic needles, but because I am stressed and I need an outlet.

So my normal outlets:

• working out - can't do
• drinking - not suppose to do (and it makes me feel horrible)
• hanging out with friends - everyone is working
• sleep - well we all know how horrible I am at that

The sad thing is that it is only Tuesday, I still have so much more to get done tomorrow, which is crazy. This week is well turning into a mess already. I am trying to keep some control but I feel I don't have it.

My emotions are a mess (especially after a phone call I just had), we don't need to get into my trust issues with men at this point. All I want is to feel normal and not feel sick, tired, alone and in pain all the time.

Hopefully one night this week I can take some time to hang out with friends and go to a movie if nothing else, then on Saturday I have a wedding, which will be fun.

So basically my anxiety is at an all time high and I fear it may only get worse as the week goes on.... awesome.

Weekend Adventures

Well this weekend I had the pleasure to travel back home for a friends wedding which was great. The travel part was not so great though. A six hour car trip is not exactly something my body does so well with anymore.

I got up early on Friday and was out of the house with my car packed by 8 am, I stopped at my best friends after driving for 5 hours for lunch and then continued my journey north to visit my brother and go to dinner. By the time I made it to my final landing spot for the night I literally could not move. The good news is I slept like a baby that night and got to sleep in on Saturday.

Saturday I met another friend for lunch and then went back to get ready for the wedding which was at 4:30pm, followed by the reception, which went well until 11 p.m. Well by the end of the night my body was feeling it pretty good and I needed to go lay down. Which I couldn't sleep at all and I just felt miserable, which made the ride home Sunday not ok.

I left Erie at 10 am, drove to Hermitage visited with my family and then left there at 2 pm and didn't get home until 7:30 pm.

Needless to say when I got home I did absolutely nothing.

So today I still feel like I am trying to recover but I just hope I do ok next week in Florida.

Being Spontaneous

So I had a great Friday evening with my roommate where we went to dinner, did some shopping and had a few drinks. We were just sitting around having some girl talk, when I told her one of things that I feel she did not get to know about me is the fact that I really am an outgoing person who enjoys being around people and doing spontaneous things on a regular basis, of course most of this has been caused by the pain I am in.

So for someone who has known me for a year, she said she can tell when I am not doing well and that it doesn't seem to fit the descriptions and the stories I have told her about my travels and other random things. So yes, all I can say about this is that it is a long process.

So I decided to do something spontaneous on Saturday and meet a group of old friends at the beach in New Jersey, it turned into quite the adventure but I am glad that I did it.

Now the real test will begin as I have a 6 hour car ride ahead of me on Friday to head back home for a friends wedding. I am two weeks away from planning our National Convention and well life just does not stop.

So either way I am doing what I can to try and keep myself at a normal level and feeling as good as possible. Putting a plan in place for our convention may be a chore. My physical therapist is great (even though I usually tell her I don't like her very much) she is trying some new things with me to try and help me with what is going on with my body. Seriously if nothing else it is amazing what our bodies can do and the memories that our muscles retain.

So for right now it is time to plan... which also means I had to pick up another weekly day/night pill case for my travels to the convention in two weeks.

Oh yeah... I forgot it is Tuesday, guess who has to go pick up more of her meds... this girl! :(

Don't go back to ground zero

So I had a fairly lengthy talk with my doctor about trying to retrain myself to know that even though I don't always feel like it that I am getting better. There are parts of me that do not hurt as bad as they use to, but then there are moments where I still think someone is stabbing me through the abdomen.

So on goes trying to figure out ways to de-stress my life and try and keep things under control. So here is to trying to figure out my body, which you would think that after 30 years I would have figured out until this happened.

We also discussed how many women who have similar problems are often told that their pain is "all in their head," even though it is a very real pain. When you feel like this, that is your biggest fear.

Part of me wishes that this is something that could be cured quickly, but that is one thing that won't happen. Right now I am at the point where I was officially diagnosed back in April, so almost through month three and I feel a little different but not much.

I am trying to get my body to move more, walk more, and try and build up some of the muscle that I have lost from being a couch potato for the past eleven months.

So here is to trying to make strides forward and keep things moving in the right direction.

Pain, misery, OMG!

Some days you can push through the pain. As an athlete growing up I was always taught to be tough and get through it. I can't tell you how many times I did something I probably should not have done because I decided that "my mind was stronger and could overcome the pain." Those endorphins I tell you what can really do wonders to your body when you really want something. (One of these days I will look into this more and find some actual studies on it, however my doctor and I have talked pretty extensively on it).

Fast forward to 2012, I haven't played competitive sports in over 12 years. I opted not to play in college and called my athletic career quits after my senior year of high school softball, I was injured enough at that point. So now I can push through some things to get through the day, when say I don't feel really well or I didn't get enough sleep due to working a lot of hours at an event... and well you do it.

So now my body just doesn't do it at all. For instance this morning I barely made it out of bed after a pretty good nights sleep. I was sitting here at my desk and got a horrible bout of pains that were literally debilitating and yes I started to cry they hurt so bad. I pulled out my heating pad, took a full pain pill and ultimately laid on the floor for 10 minutes to try and calm my body down.

The good news is I have physical therapy tonight so she can atleast try and help me get calmed down a bit, I also head to the doctor on Wednesday, so it may be time to have a talk with him on pain management again on Wednesday. So that may make my appointments more frequent.

Either way I just want to not feel like this as much as I do.

Update on the end of the day, I went to phsyical therapy and my therapist was "nice" to me today and I am pretty sure I feel worse. So tonight is definitely an early evening to bed!

Making it another week

This week was strange and I am still working to find out whether or not I have a bladder infection, but I am taking the meds that the doctor gave to me and trying to get my rest.

So I noticed yesterday while in the shower that I have some fairly big bruises in odd places in my body. I am pretty sure they are from the Pudendal Nerve blocks that I have been getting. I do get these every two times a week. I guess that is something else to talk to the doctor about again this week.

My goal is to start walking atleast once a day, my body needs to do some type of activity and although it hurts I need to do it.  So I managed to take a 30 minute walk today and of course now I need to go through a lot of stretching to try and make myself feel better.

I have some books that the doctor recommended that I read on the conditions that I have and in all honesty I cannot bring myself to purchase them and begin reading. I had a hard enough time getting through the pamphlets they gave me in the beginning of all of this.

Right now in the back of my mind all I can think of is if I am even going to fully make it through my next event. I couldn't function after a 6 hour trip to Philly. So I guess to some point I need to begin pushing myself a little so that I can see what my body will do.

I am officially in month eleven of this process, of course for most of it I had no diagnosis so I just felt miserable all of the time and wasn't sure why.

The good news I slept a little better the past two days, which was good. Hopefully that continues.

So it is all about trying to figure all of this out, I wish it was easier.

How do you know...

So I have been feeling even more out of sorts lately than I usually do and I am not fully sure what to attribute that to just yet...but I have a small inkling of an idea.

But I called into the doctor and told them I think I may actually have a bladder infection or form of UTI, but it is really hard to tell when you have IC  (at least I am finding it hard to tell, because you always have horrible pain and you go to the bathroom a lot!). For those of you who don't know what IC is it is Interstitial Cystitis and you can find more information on it here.

Anyhow that means another prescription for preventative measures I guess, so another trip to the pharmacy tonight.

I would love to just not be in pain and get a good nights sleep here at some point, sometimes it is the little things.

Girls weekend

This past weekend my best friend came out to spend some much needed time with me, it was long overdue and a lot of fun...but now with fun ones lots of pain. I received my shots on Wednesday which did help a little, the bad news is now I have pain in other areas I can feel as the major pain on my left side is starting to get under control.

The doctor has discussed with me that I am likely a very good candidate for a surgery on some of the nerves in my pelvic area. This is something we will discuss more in the future.

Friday we took the train into Philly and did some site seeing, which isn't something I have had done much of in the past. There was a lot of walking once we got into the city, it was so hot, but we had a blast. We did cut our trip a few hours short because it was hot and we were exhausted.

We stayed up late and went to dinner, which was great. Saturday I woke up in a lot of pain, I think between the heat and my usual lack of sleep and the pain it made my physically ill. I ended up throwing up which I never do. So the girls and I ran some errands then ended up calling it an evening in, which was not what I had wanted but my body said otherwise.

So it is Sunday,I still feel horrible, but I did make it to a baby shower for a few hours and then back to my house for a lot of laying around. I really just want o feel normal. I really have to thank my best friend for coming out to stay with me for a few days and helping me out when I hit my pain wall. Now to try and get some sleep.