My weekend

Well I managed to get some running around done on Saturday along with cleaning the house, still a few more finishing touches before my best friend comes to visit. I have to say cleaning beats me up I am still hurting today from Saturday. Sunday I was able to go to a close friends bridal shower, I had a great time catching up and meeting new people.

I then came home and went to the Celtic Fling, I love the sound of bagpipes, it makes me miss the 'Boro. I spent some time walking which is good for me to do, but it does hurt. So just trying to prepare for another week. I prepared my breakfast and lunches for the week.

Wednesday I have my treatments and Thursday my best friend is coming, I am so excited to spend time with her. I need some one on one time and hopefully it will do my spirit and body some good. Last week I did not have my treatments so things were kind of rough. Physical therapy is moving to once a week, to prolong the time I can keep it up. I will say I completely dislike my "homework" from my therapist. Although she does inflict some pain on me, I really do like her, she is very good at what she does.

Also, I went to take my pm meds tonight... Apparently I took them by accident this morning because my am pills were still there, which may explain how tired I was today, even for a Monday. Anyhow off to bed for me.

Thursdays = My Breaking Point

Ok, so I have finally decided Thursday's are my breaking point. Today my alarm went off, I decided it was Saturday or Sunday I was not sure which and I decided I did not get out of bed.

The bigger problem, it is Thursday and I need to be at work.

Last week all I wanted to do was cry all day, today I feel the exact same way. I am just hoping I make it through the day without having a total meltdown about everything around me.

I am not sure how to fix this... well at least fully. My plate is pretty full at work and I have PT tonight then a late night conference call so all of that is not helping. The good news, tomorrow is Friday and I get to see some friends this weekend.

Who knows maybe I need to go see a counselor... not that I need another appointment in my life. All I can say is my two personal days need to get here ASAP, which is next Thursday and Friday. I can only hope that helps me get through July and August.

So hopefully writing this down now helps... obviously I do have some bigger problems that are playing into all of this. I just want all of this to end and to feel "normal" again, which I honestly don't think will ever happen.

Seriously, summertime is suppose to be my off season. AHHH!!!!

Rituals

Well life has become so scheduled for me lately that it just plain blows. Monday's mean physical therapy, Tueday's mean refilling the weekly am/pm pill box, Wednesday's the specialist, Thursday's more physical therapy and by Friday I want to do nothing but sleep. I mean I'm 30 and I have to have a pill box to remind me what meds to take and when...I hate it.

Personal Days are MUCH needed!

So this week has been a roller coaster of sorts, between work and the doctors I have been a mess. I got somewhere around 18 injections on Wednesday when I went to the doctors, yes they hurt like hell, but I got through them. I didn't sleep well that night and Thursday I just woke up feeling miserable. My first thought I should call off of work, it is going to be that day. Well my intuition was right... I felt miserable all day and felt like the world was caving in on me.

Now you have to realize that is what depression truly feels like... the world as you know is caving in on you. All I wanted to do was cry. I felt a little better after physical therapy and making a yummy pizza for dinner but I really had to calm myself down. I must say I have never cried this much before in my life, for such an extended period of time. It is month 10 of this journey, and it wasn't until around month 8 I was actually diagnosed with severe depression. Gee go figure... I was depressed I told my doctor I was, but I guess I didn't realize how bad it had really gotten.

It didn't really hit me until I read the review of my appointment that my doctor had sent back to me, I think it was around six pages. Then right there in plain sight it said the patient is clinically depressed... awesome I am 30 years old and that is the first time I have ever actually gotten a diagnosis for depression, let alone put on medication. Obviously this explains the huge change in my behavior this past year and the many changes my social life has taken because of it.

Severe chronic pain does bad things to a person... which is not something I would wish on my worst enemy (obviously I would chose quick and painful for them).

Anyhow it is finally Friday and I am looking forward to trying to get some retail therapy in this weekend along with getting some of my personal life together, like cleaning my room and doing my laundry.

Also my personal days off cannot come fast enough... I need a mental break from everything!

Appointments... Appointments

Well I must say I really did enjoy the last week of May with no doctors appointments. So I am now back to my weekly routine of PT twice a week and the specialist once a week. It is emotionally draining. Monday PT, Tuesday refill pill box for the week, Wednesday treatments at the specialist, Thursday PT. In all honesty that is my week.

I know my appointments are necessary and that they are needed, but they do just give me a very overwhelmed feeling when trying to "have a life."

Now last week was my first series of nerve block injections. I will not lie they hurt like hell and made me tear up but I got through them. They did provide some relief which was a first in quite some time, so I go in again tomorrow for more. I need to tell the doctor very pecifically how I feel and where my pain is.

Well, here is to hoping for a much needed good nights sleep.

Whirlwind

One thing I have not done much of since I have been having problems and especially since my surgery in March is traveling. On Thursday I had the great opportunity to head up to New York City for the Beat the Streets Event and Gala. It was last minute and I was rushed, but it is always something I have wanted to attend. Seeing wrestling on such a big level (in the middle of Times Sqaure is awesome). It was great to see friends and be in the city, it amazes me sometimes how much I really do enjoy being in a big city and the fast paced life it brings. I was able to meet some great new people which is always a bonus.

Well I got home very late 3:30 am and then came into work late on Friday. I felt my body was not having any of this on Friday. Lack of sleep and that stress on my body definitely put me into the "danger zone" of pain. I did make it to a friends cookout to celebrate his birthday Friday night but had to excuse myself early because of how I felt. It is amazing how the pain can just go from my "normal" to I can't handle it at all, in just a short amount of time.

It quite honestly drives me mad.

It made for quite the long weekend in terms of trying to balance my life and getting together with others while I just didn't feel up to it. I tried to sleep as much as possible, take my medications and rest. There is only so much one can do though.  I also left around 7 pm from hanging out with friends yesterday because my pain was getting so bad. I managed to go home and relax on the couch to try and get myself tamed down before heading to bed. The good news, I did get some of my crocheting project done.

Today I head to the physical therapist (which my appointment schedule has not been normal the past few weeks). Hopefully this will help me get some relief, until I see the doctor on Wednesday.

Now where to?

My biggest fear was being told I was imagining my pain and misery. Literally this is all I could think about after my surgery. As I laid on the couch for two weeks.

 Luckily my OBGYN who was great through this whole process consulted with others and gave me three specialist to look up. After some research I settled on a doctor, who is two hours away, but what they described their practice as felt like it pertained to me. So I filled out a 28 page medical history and had my records release to him, a week later I had an appointment. Needless to say I did not in ny way know what to expect next. I had an 8 am appointment and I left that office around 1 pm.

The ultimate mental/emotional/physical overload had just hit me like a wall. (I will go into some of this in more detail in the future). What I did know leaving that day is that I have multiple diagnoses and they are all over the board (by multiple I mean we are up to two-hand type of counting and higher). Also there is some correlation to my years of sports injuries that have mainly occured on my left side. It is hard to explain how I felt leaving that day after setting up my next appointment, I just wanted to sit in the corner and cry. I felt overwhelmed and alone. I went to lunch after that because I was starving and I did everything in my power to hold back the tears as I continued to digest what I was just told/shown and how all I could think of is I am going to have this problem for the rest of my life.

I am not sure how in depth I will go on my multiple diagnoses in this blog as some of them are extremely personal, but they are important and play a large part to my over all well being right now.

 I did call a few friends on the way back but I hadn't really taken it all in. The appointment was separated into parts: medical history, family history, anatomy lesson, talk of my recent surgery, test, lots of statistics, reading how I responded and acted, etc... So I left with a large packet of reading materials and a stack of prescriptions I had to start... My first thought, I need am/pm pill box.

 I mean I know I just turned 30 but really?

Not sure where it all began

The only thing I can pinpoint is the end of July 2011 I started to feel not normal, but I was traveling and life was busy so I shoved it to the side. It got worse in the beginning of August and I started to notice some differences while I was in Florida for work, but I attributed that to long hours, stress and little to no sleep.

I came home and gave myself a week to "re-coup" and I only got worse. So I went to the doctor with what I thought was a UTI. I was treated for it because of the symptoms, but then they only got worse. Next comes more doctors’ appointments, a CAT Scan and numerous other test. All to find absolutely nothing. So bring on the medications. My next suspicion was my endometriosis, who knows it could be back after all... since it is one of the things that you just refer to as a "PITA."

So months of just trying to get by and dealing with lots of pain and other tests... just left me feeling absolutely miserable.

So after a series of test and more doctors’ visits we come to the conclusion that they will do a diagnostic laporscopy on me to see what is going on with my endo and my insides that hurt so much. We finally got this scheduled for March 29th. There was also talk of removing an ovary (which has a very long technical name). So I had mentally prepared myself for coming out of the surgery minus a few tiny body parts, or some other type of diagnosis and what that may mean for my future. However, much to my dismay after coming out of surgery I was told they found NOTHING... I wanted them to find EVERYTHING so I could get on with my life.

The next two weeks were the longest, worst and most alone I have ever felt in my life. My pain was worse and by worse I mean I could not move worse. I was alone the majority of the time. I did have a few very nice friends who brought me over some food, but I lived on my couch because climbing the stairs scared me for multiple reasons: 1. they hurt like hell to move, 2. I was afraid of falling and no one being there, 3. they were just daunting.

So after two emergency trips to the doctor’s office that week (I also now know why they tell you no driving after surgery... those trips were kind of well probably comparable to driving under the influence because I was not in my normal state of mind), then finally heading to my follow-up the only true conclusion we had was that the surgery aggravated whatever was really wrong making me worse.  Went I went in for my follow up after the surgery, the doctor said I am not going to even bother to examine you, because I know it will make you cry and put you into more pain. Thank God she understood a little even though she could not figure out the problem.

So then it was on to find a specialist that works with a pain we can’t seem to find but is very obviously there.

I should add, by now it is mid April 2012.

Hi my name is Tammy, I am 30 years old and...

I have officially been diagnosed with numerous problems, which are easier explained by saying that I have severe chronic pelvic pain.

Yes on the outside I look normal, but the internal fight that my body started with itself in August 2011 is taking a very heavy toll on me as a person.

I have become less outgoing and more introverted over the past year which is not me at all. I have distanced myself from many who were close to me and I am still trying to figure this all out for myself. So this blog will be my journey through this pain and will hopefully help me to open up about my diagnosis and allow me to break through the dark cloud that has taken over me.

In going through this process I have found it extremely difficult to talk to people about it, because I feel that no one can truly understand the emotions going on inside of me and the immense pain that I deal with on a daily basis. I have also felt extremely alone... nothing I can do or change to make that better at this point.

So, as I continue to go through the process of appointments and all other treatments that my doctors feel are necessary I will share what I can and hopefully be able to straighten this out and at some point feel "normal" again... whatever "normal" really is.