Life sure is different these days

I really do mean it is different, on so many levels it is unreal. A big part of all of this is a huge personal struggle of me fighting myself, here I am a thirty-two year old female whose life has been just thrown upside-down the past few years. The past year really hit me even worse on a lot of fronts. But what I fight daily is the person that I used to be/the person that I know is still inside and the person that I have become. The truth is, this really is two totally different people, but somehow it is still me and I am really struggling with that.

There is Tammy the former athlete, the person who lived to be social, strong willed/hard headed, worked hard and played hard... etc. Then there is Tammy who lives in pain, can't sleep, can't handle being touched, doesn't want to leave her house or get out of bed, and goes to the doctors for a good amount of my social life. Life is truly different, I am different.

This week is typically one of my favorite weeks of the year, because it is the NCAA Tournament, for the first time since 2000, I will not be at the Championships and it is eating at me. I know that it is just this year. I know I can watch it on TV and follow it online, but it just isn't the same, not for me.

My life is truly upside-down.

Lots of Bandaids

I am not sure what is worse realizing that I have ten huge band aids on the left side on my body or the fact that my hand keeps cramping up where some of the testing was done earlier today at the doctors.

Anyhow I just keep pushing forward. February is one day from over and my life is so much different than it was a year ago. A term that kept popping through my head today was sabbatical, because in a sense I that is kind of what I am doing. Every year of my life for as long as I could remember January through March was a marathon of wrestling season, there really wasn't a day off during that time and I travelled all over the place. Now I catch what I can on TV and I did make it to a few matches but life is drastically different. My reality is very different.

My goal is to get better and I must say that is a tall order and a TON of work. February was a short month served up in a big old blur. I think I spent most of it curled up in bed, in pain with no energy. I do everything I humanly can, but sometimes that just isn't enough and I have to give up or give-in to the demands my body is making and I just have to stop.

I know my recovery takes probably 3 times as long as the normal person, for basically anything I do. This includes getting your everyday cold, which affects me worse than normal too.

So as I still work on recovering from my car accident in early December, it was great to see my doctors today and get worked on a little bit. Now if I could just get my body to stay that way...

New Experience

Yesterday was my first experience with an epidural/nerve block for my L5 nerve/disk. I have had all kinds of blocks, trigger point injects, needling, basically anything that you can think of that deals with a needle since 2011 when all of this started.

So yesterday I went to the surgery center at 7:15 am to get this done, it was a new experience. Well not fully new, I had something similar when I was 12-13 years old. Back then they put me under anesthesia and I woke up when it was all done.

This I was all awake for. I had a doctor and two nurses. The odd thing over all of this is that I have gotten so close to all of my doctor staffs that I know them all very well. This doctor I met once, I was just having it done here, so I did not have to drive to DC. However, it was funny, because I recognized the one nurse from our Virtuous Women's Dinner two weeks ago and said something to her before we went into the room. She was very nice and held my hand, even though I am usually pretty good with needles.

I will say if that is what an epidural for pregnancy feels like well then totally not worth it.

So they did some numbing and then did the block. I monitored myself yesterday and so far today. I personally don't think it did enough to be worth it. I need to talk to my doctor and tell her how I feel on it. to discuss if we need to continue.

In the mean time I need to make some calls today and find a certified hand therapist.

So off to do that amongst other things!

2014 Really Trying for a NEW YEAR

So for those of you who read my blog you know that last year was less than STELLAR for this lady. I feel that if it could have gone wrong, it did go wrong in 2013, I really don't feel like re-visiting those bad memories, but I guess for the sake of it I need to put them down. So the big highlights of the year were:

• In constant pain every day, to the point that I could not be touched.
• Went to the doctors minimum 3 times a week.
• April through July were the worst. Had 3 surgeries, contracted a horrible infection, had a PICC line, was on so many meds I could not keep track, had drains coming out of me, I am sure there was more I want to forget it.
• Was tested for every disease under the sun contracted a bunch of super weird symptoms over the rest of the summer. Went to all kinds of doctors.
• Had no social life, lost most of my friends.
• Gained a ton of wait since the surgery and infection, due to meds and all of the bed rest.
• Lost my job in September.
• Continued to constantly go to the doctor, still on tons of meds.
• Was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (only true diagnosis I was given other than sleep apnea).
• December got into a car wreck.

Okay so that sums up the main bad points of my BAD year.

This year I am working to try and change as much I can myself. Trying to treat my body as good as I can, which I still did last year. Taking my vitamins, eating right. Even though I am not suppose to I am going to try and start working back out slowly.

What will happen with work I still don't know my health is my No. 1 priority. I still just don't know where I stand with things. I am doing everything I can to try and get better and working with my team of doctors to get better.

So here is to 2014, may it bring better things: happiness, health, wealth, laughter and friendship. Not just to me, but to those around me as well.

Oh December

Well I realized I didn't blog in November, potentially because I was so busy trying to get everything done and figured out in between the time when: I wasn't at the doctors, driving to the doctors or sleeping because I can't get out of bed.

I did manage to have myself a little bit of fun and make it to a few wrestling matches, a concert and a college football game though. Which of course means that I had to allow myself a few days of recovery after those days of fun.  I spent a few days at the NAVAL Academy and was able to see the March-On at the NAVY game, I must say I love the tradition and I fully support our men and women in uniform at any stage. I had a great time and I even got my picture taken with the mascot!

That however brings us to now. I met with my surgeon for the first time in months and he wants to restart our way of doing treatment for my pain. Which means I will be in for another very long series of nerve blocks come the beginning of the year. I am not looking forward to it, but hopefully it will tell us what nerves are torturing me and why.

I was able to come home for a long weekend to visit family and friends which I thoroughly enjoyed and on my way home as the bad weather started on an exit ramp I rear ended someone. I did some major damage to my car and even more damage to my body. I have been at my brothers house sitting here resting for a week. No pain meds, no muscle relaxers, just sleeping and trying to let my body rest. I am afraid of what might happen in the long run, but I have to just keep going.

I talked to the shop and the tech told me he was shocked my airbags didn't go off. So knowing that my body handles crazy amounts of pain on a daily basis and also takes much longer than a normal person to recover from doing something, this is going to take me a while to get back to where I should be. Of course I am contacting my doctors and will be following up with my physical therapist next week while I am in town. Luckily while I am back for Christmas if I need I can go down to Pittsburgh as well for treatments.

All I know is I am ready for better things to happen, this year has been so hard, so much has happened to me in every aspect of my life that I feel like I have just hit rock bottom in every way. I just know that somehow God will bring me up at the right time and place and I hold on to that. So in the mean time I will hold onto that promise.

The To-Do-List

The past few days have been so well what I would call my normal. Where I have to try and motivate myself to get normal mundane tasks done. I made my list of things to get done and really had to force myself to do things.

Some days are obviously better than others, but the past four days have just been plain rough. It is me recovering I think and finally getting back on my meds, now that my insurance is back to normal. It is amazing how such simple things can be so hard. Like I am horrible at taking out my garbage. I need to be more vigilant about how I am eating, so I forced myself to go shopping and get some food, but even that was still rough.

Then we think about laundry and cleaning. I moved into a 400 sq. foot apartment, and you would think I live in a huge house the way I feel cleaning this place is. 

Having all of these medical conditions is just miserable and not knowing when they are going to hit you is the worst! Between trying to get my sleep  together and my fibromyalgia somewhat under control, amongst other things this is just one hell of an experiment called my life at this point. Being that my social life is basically called the doctors, I just keep trying to figure out how to get through day by day.

You have the pain, the exhaustion (all the issues exhaustion brings), weakness, and a million other issues.

October has flown by

I still feel like my life is just a whirlwind and I have no idea where I am going other than spinning around like crazy. Some weeks are completely taken by doctors appointments, others go by and I have no idea what I did, they are a complete blur.

Right now I still don't know what I plan to do for work, because my body is not ready to do something daily. However, I am healing and getting better, but it is an extremely slow process and I know that I am still going to be dealing with issues long into the future.

I took a leap and did go back into the world of wrestling and worked a tournament as a consultant last week. It was nice to be back into things on my terms. I do love the sport and the people, that is something I do know will not change.

My body can only handle so much though, as I suspected as I continued with my week I crashed today and was in bed for about 14 hours. I am glad I was able to go see friends back  in Edinboro though afterwards and visit people that I don't get to see often. It made the trip well worth it even though it may have been hard on my body.

What was probably worse on my body was the prolo treatments/injects that my doctor gave me yesterday. Man did the one hurt. They are still pretty taxing today even as I try and stretch them out. I need to get some heat on them again this evening. I find it always interesting that she tells me how tough I am for how good I do while getting these treatments ... which makes me wonder how the other people handle them.  I mean they are miserable, but for someone in severe constant pain what is a little extra pain?

The weather is getting cold and for tonight I decided that I am baking some pumpkin bread... which I should probably go check on, but it does smell delicious.

So here I still stand or sit, trying to figure out my life, for the first time ever not knowing where I want to go and what I want to do and it really does bother me. I also know that right now my body just won't let me take on the world right now so to speak. So I need to figure out the right balance, but ultimately my body and health comes first.

Life Changes Faster Than We Can Think Sometimes

I just looked and saw that my last post was back on August 19th, so much has happened since that time and in all honestly so much of it I unfortunately cannot even begin to talk about.

The last few months have been extremely hard for me emotionally, physically and mentally. Have I gotten through it, yes, of course I have. I can get through anything, although adding extra stress to my already massive heaping pile of horrible is well... UNBEARABLE. So as some chapters in my life are closing for good and I am looking to move forward and trying to figure out what my next moves will be, I am also trying to figure out how to close a large chapter of my life which has been the last twenty-three years of my life in the sport of wrestling. I have had so much support from the coaches and people I have met, that it truly does show that wrestling is a great family and I hope to continue to stay in this circle someway, in the years to come. I must say thank you to those people, they know who they are and as this November comes, it just won't be the same for me, as it will be my first year not being involved with the sport I love.

Right now this gives me chance to focus on my health and really try to find out what I want to open my next chapter to be. However my number ONE priority is my health.

I have found a support system here, but I still have some serious decisions to make and I am just not so sure I am ready to make them, but I may have no other choice. 

So onwards I trudge trying to figure out what is wrong with me marching into year three of my medical mystery while I try and find out what is wrong with my body.

I know that what I can do is great and that my body will get better, I just hope that one day soon all of these things align so that I can be the best person that I can be. I want to be me again.

One thing is for sure I promise that one day I will come back healthier, stronger and better than before.

I need to post more

It has been over a month since I have last posted and boy so much has happened in that time period.

• I moved into my own apartment: packing, moving, unpacking was so hard. I am still not unpacked because I just don't have the energy to do it. 
• I had to start back to work, which takes all of my energy, I am lucky to make it through the day sometimes.
• I have been going for weekly testing to find out what is wrong with me. Oh wait, I mean try to find out what is wrong with me, because so far we have been unsuccessful at finding this out. By we, I mean me and the team of doctors.
• My niece Isabella was born, she is pretty darn cute and happened to arrive the only time her aunt was in Western PA all summer. Great timing kid!
• I went to the only wedding I could all summer, the one that I was in. That was after a month of pretty torturous therapy. 
• I still don't trust myself to drive long distances alone.
• The medicines just keep getting piled on, not taken off.
• I still feel horrible.... daily.
• The feeling of not being able to feel your feet and feel like they have a million pins and needles going through them is one of the worst feelings int he world.
• My surgeon has my best interest at heart, but I wish they didn't involve more shocking and more needles oh yeah and MRI's.
• I would love to wear a pair of jeans again.
• I just want to be normal... I want to be me.

I have officially passed 2 years of this misery that my body has been subjected too. I have seen countless doctors, I don't want to even know the amount of money I have paid out, or the amount of times I have been pricked by a needle. Honestly now it just feels like every day life and that makes me sick. I want to be a normal 31 year old who can go out and have fun and not have to feel like I feel every day. Knowing that moving 1 box is going to put me into such pain I won't be able to move.

I mean when the doctors told me I may have MS all I wanted to do was cry, every time they touch me I cry. That is no way to go through your life. I want to be happy again.

So tonight I go in for a sleep study and tomorrow I head in for a brain and spine MRI. None of which I am looking forward to, but I need both of them. I am not sure how they think you are suppose to sleep well with a bunch of little electrodes hooked up to you and people staring at you, but I guess I will give it a try. 

I have been lazy... or have I?

Things have been kind of crazy lately and a lot of life changes seem to be happening all at once. I found a really great one bedroom studio apartment that I will be moving into in two weeks. That is the first time ever that I will officially live by myself. I have been out on my own since 18, but I have lived with roommates.

So now I have all of these health issues going on, oh don't worry, they have not gone away. They only keep getting worse. Apparently it is the consensus of two rhuemetologist that I have fibromialgia. So another series of test are coming and I am not looking forward to them.

I have been going to physical therapy and doing as much as I can there, trying to get better. I am working, and trying to do everything I can to keep my body healthy and rehab myself.

I wish I didn't hurt so bad and I could move better. The move is a stressful thought, I need so much help to get out of this place, thank goodness for my friends.

Next I need to head in for a sleep study and hopefully start sleeping better.

Well that is all I have for now.

It doesn't end

I swear every day is a battle, if I make it through it, I have survived another day. Right now that statement is getting harder and harder to conceptualize.

I went to the ER today because I feel that something else is wrong with my body, apparently they just think I have anxiety and I feel that the doctor completely dismissed me. 

They didn't listen and nothing was fixed.

Not only do I feel like the loneliest person on the island I think I am the only one there and I really cannot take much more of this.

Something new is wrong,

I do hope it is only temporary, but this past week if I didn't know any better I would say I have rheumatoid arthritis. I hurt all over on top of my horrible pain.

I swear it never ends, my body is so tired of fighting and I know my life is never going to be the same again.

So I will continue calling my Infectious Disease doctor until I get an answer. Will it go away or do I need to check myself into the hospital and make someone run tons of test on me.

The Neverending Story

First off this used to be one of my absolute favorite movies growing up. Now I think it might better serve what I currently refer to as my life. 

I once again m back in DC/Maryland for doctor visits. The good news is that this nuisance in my arm can finally come out, the downside I will still be taking two oral antibiotics twice daily for another two weeks.

Next we do get to do something different, I head to the physiatrist to find out how/what needs to be done for my physical therapy and there we are still a LONG way from being over. 

My body hurts, the antibiotics are not helping that. My pain has only gotten worse not better. I am exhausted all the time and I never really sleep week 3 I think there.

Nothing is easy, everything that should be a ut and dry situation turns into a fiasco.

I need to focus on me, I need to get better. I do not care at this point what other people think or want because my number 1 priority is ME! Yes I said it and I sure as hell mean it.

I have been fighting this for so long every day I just want to throw in the towel, yet everyday I have a small hope that the next will be better.

Yes, you are right, this should not be the thoughts of a 31 year old educated female.... Well they are.

Depression is miserable, depression because of severe chronic pain is even more miserable. When you are the person that the drug commercial talks about...you have a severe problem.

I want to be myself again, but I fear that will never happen. Why you my ask? Well the Tammy that has gone through all of this has learned some new things and I also know that things many people take for granted like having a baby is not something I will experience. Yes my outlook as a 31 year old has changed for sure.

My medical knowledge has increased as well, because it had too. I need to know what they are telling me.

What I know: 

1. I am a very broken person

2. "Friends" disappear very quickly when things get tough. The ones that don't... DO NOT ever let them go.

3. Life changes way too fast

It is that time of year again

What I mean by, "It is that time of year again," is that it is Wedding Season. I feel like by now the weddings should be slowing down, but they definitely are not. Last year I went to six weddings.

This year I have had roughly the same amount, however I have had to cancel out of two of them because of how sick I was. Both of these decisions have been hard and I waited until last minute because I very much wanted to be there. I have spent a lot of time recently crying as depression has begun to rule my life and everything about it. Including what I do.

Now there are other contributors to this effect as well. I am not sleeping, literally, I did not sleep one minute last night. My pain has been horrible, I don't move around too well and I have very little energy.

I still have my PICC line in and over the next two weeks have a pretty grueling schedule of doctor appointments coming up. I do hope that my team of doctors can do more to help get me to a better place. I do hope that getting rid of the infection will be one of the first starts to this whole progression.

Sometimes it is so hard to look up, to get out of bed or even leave the house. I feel that the little person inside me wants to get out and just can't.

I wonder where to pick up from and I am not able to seem to find it.

Crash into me...

I feel as if I have two realities and they are colliding right now. I do not know where to begin or really even what to say, but that is how I feel.

Our bodies are only meant to take so much pain and suffering. I want to be me again... Although even when I get there, that will be a changed me. There is no way I could go through this and not come out changed, in what ways yet...that is what I really do not know.

Heck,I can't even get a good nights sleep, maybe 2-3 hours max right now. This is going on week 3 of this.

I have so much anxiety, something I never had before.

I want to be me, but for that to happen, I think that my: body, mind and soul need to crash ack into each other. 

Time for reflection

My depression has kicked up majorly lately. Even with the medications, I just can't seem to work my way out of this deep hole I seem to be sitting at the bottom of.

I was messaging and old friend today and I told her that is exactly how I felt. It is so hard to admit it and really the only way to describe how I feel without someone worrying that I may harm myself. The one thing I do not have is a feeling of harm. What I want to do is run as far away as possible from what I know to be my life.

What amazes me is how different my life has become since August 2011 and how different I have become. I have become the person that I do not recognize any more. I am so upset with how everything seems to be going, that I don't know who I am any more.

The silliest of things makes me cry like crazy and then I just cannot seem to stop once I get started.

Today I made a call to see a pain psychologist here in PA, because I just do not know what else to do. I need someone to talk to who can help me work through this. My brain already constantly sends pain signals all over my body making everything from inside to the outside feel absolutely miserably.

I keep telling myself that it will make me stronger,  I pray that it will make me stronger, and as the days go by  I have a harder time believing that it is actually happening.

Holiday time

Okay so the loneliest time EVER is around Holidays. Even just a long holiday weekend.

So I probably over did myself today, trying to clean and organize my bedroom. So my body is revolting a good bit right now and I could not sleep last night.

I hope to get a good nights sleep tonight.

Also other dangers... I picked up a jewelry making kit at the craft store. This could be trouble.

We may have caught a break

Well although this week has been pretty miserable and humid and hot... I think this morning we may have actually hit a breakthrough.

I went in to see my surgeon and the lab results came back from when he took out the drains last week, and it actually gave us the names of three bacteria that are in my leg causing this problem. So I have been on one broad-spectrum IV antibiotic and one oral antibiotic. Well the oral one is one I need to take care of this and now we are going to have to get the IV antibiotic switched. So I go to see the infectious disease doctor tomorrow.

I really hope this helps to give us the turning point so that the infection can actually be out of my body. I have been on antibiotics for just under two months with no luck and them fully fixing the problem.

This week has been so bad. I have been exhausted, I have had 3 night where I literally did not sleep at all. When you are trying to fight off an infection and your body has been at it for so long, sleep is truly something you need a lot of. My pain level has also spiked quite a bit the past few days. I feel like I am being stabbed over and over again.

So once the infection is gone and the swelling in my leg goes down, I can begin the next steps in the recovery process. Which means: PT, regular medicine schedule, going out and having a little more fun, trying to lift my spirits and hopefully sleep better and more.

So although I was hoping to be home today, I will take knowing that we finally have lab results in that are going to get us results. It may take a few weeks, but it will happen.

One thing I can say and I already knew this but I had never really experienced this myself. Is that infections are mean, ugly monsters that really try and ruin everything inside of you. They may stay in one spot, but they as a succubus for lack of a better term.  So for now I am not going to start jumping around in celebration just yet, because I know it will take time for the meds to work and for me to start seeing a difference.

I am ready for this to start turning around.

And you know you have a problem when...

ALL YOU DO IS GO TO THE DOCTORS!

You know I have gotten use to the whole weekly or bi-weekly treatments I was getting. Right now those days are long gone until this infection takes a hike up the river.

I went to the infectious disease doctor today and they took some samples and decided that I am still staying on IV antibiotics for another 7-10 days along with the other antibiotics that I am on.

Right now I am so sick of medicine. I fall asleep for no reason during the day, everything hurts and makes everything else worse.

I feel like I really do live in a hole, one that I can't crawl out of. I want to cry all of the time, because everything is so dam overwhelming.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have no social life and all of my friends well I only get to see them if I am visiting for doctors appointments. I am not fully sure the last time I really went out and had a good time. I am worried about not being able to go to a very close friends wedding in a few weeks, because I cannot fly to get there. I want an escape from what has turned into my reality.

These past two years have been a literal hell for me. I know that at some point I will catch a break, and they always say you hit your break when you are at your all time low. Well I am at that all time low and I am reaching as far as I can to get out.

Now there are a few things that make me different where people can see something is wrong on the outside: the pain in my face, my walking cane for balance and the PICC line in my right arm.

Disability takes on many forms and this is mine: chronic severe pelvic pain coupled with a horrible infection in my left leg right now. Along with numerous other things including very severe depression.

An update on what my life now is...

Honestly I don't even know where to start on this right now, but I need to clear my head and just try and get this out.

My surgery back in April resulted in a bad infection, one we are still trying to narrow down. I went back in three weeks later for another surgery where they flushed my leg out with solution and medication. I have a PICC line installed and am taking IV antibiotics. I will be working directly with the home health care here.

After a month and a half of this going back and forth my doctor has decided it is best for me to be down here and make sure we get everything taken care of. So between dealing with my surgeon, the infectious disease doctor, and the hospital.

I am so thankful for my very helpful friends who live in the DC area, who allow me to stay at their houses because I really do not know how I would do this without them.

I go to doctors constantly, I feel the my life is just going to the doctors. I feel like I can barely keep it all straight any more. I feel horrible mentally and physically. My body is just so tired of trying to fight what is going on that I feel that it doesn't want to do this any more.

So now I am looking at finding a place for next week and looking to get fully treated by the best doctors I can get to, here in the DC area.

My life needs a change, my body needs rest (I feel like I sleep the best when they put me under anesthesia), and if there was any time to take vacation from everything in life, it would be right now.

I know there are more things I want to say, but right now I think my brain is still trying to process it all. One of the hardest things in the world is going from being a fast paced, fun loving person to someone who lives in a deep depression and in constant pain. Your life changes so drastically. I know I am now alone out there, but it is probably one of the hardest things in the world to admit.

This is not something any of us should take lightly no matter what health issue we have. IC can control your life, pain can, nerves, some of the tiniest parts of our body can just make us miserable and you cannot stop until you find out how to fix it. It may be exhausting, but DON"t give up no matter how much you may want to. I have to tell myself this daily and I will continue to until I am me again.