Oh December

Well I realized I didn't blog in November, potentially because I was so busy trying to get everything done and figured out in between the time when: I wasn't at the doctors, driving to the doctors or sleeping because I can't get out of bed.

I did manage to have myself a little bit of fun and make it to a few wrestling matches, a concert and a college football game though. Which of course means that I had to allow myself a few days of recovery after those days of fun.  I spent a few days at the NAVAL Academy and was able to see the March-On at the NAVY game, I must say I love the tradition and I fully support our men and women in uniform at any stage. I had a great time and I even got my picture taken with the mascot!

That however brings us to now. I met with my surgeon for the first time in months and he wants to restart our way of doing treatment for my pain. Which means I will be in for another very long series of nerve blocks come the beginning of the year. I am not looking forward to it, but hopefully it will tell us what nerves are torturing me and why.

I was able to come home for a long weekend to visit family and friends which I thoroughly enjoyed and on my way home as the bad weather started on an exit ramp I rear ended someone. I did some major damage to my car and even more damage to my body. I have been at my brothers house sitting here resting for a week. No pain meds, no muscle relaxers, just sleeping and trying to let my body rest. I am afraid of what might happen in the long run, but I have to just keep going.

I talked to the shop and the tech told me he was shocked my airbags didn't go off. So knowing that my body handles crazy amounts of pain on a daily basis and also takes much longer than a normal person to recover from doing something, this is going to take me a while to get back to where I should be. Of course I am contacting my doctors and will be following up with my physical therapist next week while I am in town. Luckily while I am back for Christmas if I need I can go down to Pittsburgh as well for treatments.

All I know is I am ready for better things to happen, this year has been so hard, so much has happened to me in every aspect of my life that I feel like I have just hit rock bottom in every way. I just know that somehow God will bring me up at the right time and place and I hold on to that. So in the mean time I will hold onto that promise.

The To-Do-List

The past few days have been so well what I would call my normal. Where I have to try and motivate myself to get normal mundane tasks done. I made my list of things to get done and really had to force myself to do things.

Some days are obviously better than others, but the past four days have just been plain rough. It is me recovering I think and finally getting back on my meds, now that my insurance is back to normal. It is amazing how such simple things can be so hard. Like I am horrible at taking out my garbage. I need to be more vigilant about how I am eating, so I forced myself to go shopping and get some food, but even that was still rough.

Then we think about laundry and cleaning. I moved into a 400 sq. foot apartment, and you would think I live in a huge house the way I feel cleaning this place is. 

Having all of these medical conditions is just miserable and not knowing when they are going to hit you is the worst! Between trying to get my sleep  together and my fibromyalgia somewhat under control, amongst other things this is just one hell of an experiment called my life at this point. Being that my social life is basically called the doctors, I just keep trying to figure out how to get through day by day.

You have the pain, the exhaustion (all the issues exhaustion brings), weakness, and a million other issues.

October has flown by

I still feel like my life is just a whirlwind and I have no idea where I am going other than spinning around like crazy. Some weeks are completely taken by doctors appointments, others go by and I have no idea what I did, they are a complete blur.

Right now I still don't know what I plan to do for work, because my body is not ready to do something daily. However, I am healing and getting better, but it is an extremely slow process and I know that I am still going to be dealing with issues long into the future.

I took a leap and did go back into the world of wrestling and worked a tournament as a consultant last week. It was nice to be back into things on my terms. I do love the sport and the people, that is something I do know will not change.

My body can only handle so much though, as I suspected as I continued with my week I crashed today and was in bed for about 14 hours. I am glad I was able to go see friends back  in Edinboro though afterwards and visit people that I don't get to see often. It made the trip well worth it even though it may have been hard on my body.

What was probably worse on my body was the prolo treatments/injects that my doctor gave me yesterday. Man did the one hurt. They are still pretty taxing today even as I try and stretch them out. I need to get some heat on them again this evening. I find it always interesting that she tells me how tough I am for how good I do while getting these treatments ... which makes me wonder how the other people handle them.  I mean they are miserable, but for someone in severe constant pain what is a little extra pain?

The weather is getting cold and for tonight I decided that I am baking some pumpkin bread... which I should probably go check on, but it does smell delicious.

So here I still stand or sit, trying to figure out my life, for the first time ever not knowing where I want to go and what I want to do and it really does bother me. I also know that right now my body just won't let me take on the world right now so to speak. So I need to figure out the right balance, but ultimately my body and health comes first.

Life Changes Faster Than We Can Think Sometimes

I just looked and saw that my last post was back on August 19th, so much has happened since that time and in all honestly so much of it I unfortunately cannot even begin to talk about.

The last few months have been extremely hard for me emotionally, physically and mentally. Have I gotten through it, yes, of course I have. I can get through anything, although adding extra stress to my already massive heaping pile of horrible is well... UNBEARABLE. So as some chapters in my life are closing for good and I am looking to move forward and trying to figure out what my next moves will be, I am also trying to figure out how to close a large chapter of my life which has been the last twenty-three years of my life in the sport of wrestling. I have had so much support from the coaches and people I have met, that it truly does show that wrestling is a great family and I hope to continue to stay in this circle someway, in the years to come. I must say thank you to those people, they know who they are and as this November comes, it just won't be the same for me, as it will be my first year not being involved with the sport I love.

Right now this gives me chance to focus on my health and really try to find out what I want to open my next chapter to be. However my number ONE priority is my health.

I have found a support system here, but I still have some serious decisions to make and I am just not so sure I am ready to make them, but I may have no other choice. 

So onwards I trudge trying to figure out what is wrong with me marching into year three of my medical mystery while I try and find out what is wrong with my body.

I know that what I can do is great and that my body will get better, I just hope that one day soon all of these things align so that I can be the best person that I can be. I want to be me again.

One thing is for sure I promise that one day I will come back healthier, stronger and better than before.

I need to post more

It has been over a month since I have last posted and boy so much has happened in that time period.

• I moved into my own apartment: packing, moving, unpacking was so hard. I am still not unpacked because I just don't have the energy to do it. 
• I had to start back to work, which takes all of my energy, I am lucky to make it through the day sometimes.
• I have been going for weekly testing to find out what is wrong with me. Oh wait, I mean try to find out what is wrong with me, because so far we have been unsuccessful at finding this out. By we, I mean me and the team of doctors.
• My niece Isabella was born, she is pretty darn cute and happened to arrive the only time her aunt was in Western PA all summer. Great timing kid!
• I went to the only wedding I could all summer, the one that I was in. That was after a month of pretty torturous therapy. 
• I still don't trust myself to drive long distances alone.
• The medicines just keep getting piled on, not taken off.
• I still feel horrible.... daily.
• The feeling of not being able to feel your feet and feel like they have a million pins and needles going through them is one of the worst feelings int he world.
• My surgeon has my best interest at heart, but I wish they didn't involve more shocking and more needles oh yeah and MRI's.
• I would love to wear a pair of jeans again.
• I just want to be normal... I want to be me.

I have officially passed 2 years of this misery that my body has been subjected too. I have seen countless doctors, I don't want to even know the amount of money I have paid out, or the amount of times I have been pricked by a needle. Honestly now it just feels like every day life and that makes me sick. I want to be a normal 31 year old who can go out and have fun and not have to feel like I feel every day. Knowing that moving 1 box is going to put me into such pain I won't be able to move.

I mean when the doctors told me I may have MS all I wanted to do was cry, every time they touch me I cry. That is no way to go through your life. I want to be happy again.

So tonight I go in for a sleep study and tomorrow I head in for a brain and spine MRI. None of which I am looking forward to, but I need both of them. I am not sure how they think you are suppose to sleep well with a bunch of little electrodes hooked up to you and people staring at you, but I guess I will give it a try. 

I have been lazy... or have I?

Things have been kind of crazy lately and a lot of life changes seem to be happening all at once. I found a really great one bedroom studio apartment that I will be moving into in two weeks. That is the first time ever that I will officially live by myself. I have been out on my own since 18, but I have lived with roommates.

So now I have all of these health issues going on, oh don't worry, they have not gone away. They only keep getting worse. Apparently it is the consensus of two rhuemetologist that I have fibromialgia. So another series of test are coming and I am not looking forward to them.

I have been going to physical therapy and doing as much as I can there, trying to get better. I am working, and trying to do everything I can to keep my body healthy and rehab myself.

I wish I didn't hurt so bad and I could move better. The move is a stressful thought, I need so much help to get out of this place, thank goodness for my friends.

Next I need to head in for a sleep study and hopefully start sleeping better.

Well that is all I have for now.

It doesn't end

I swear every day is a battle, if I make it through it, I have survived another day. Right now that statement is getting harder and harder to conceptualize.

I went to the ER today because I feel that something else is wrong with my body, apparently they just think I have anxiety and I feel that the doctor completely dismissed me. 

They didn't listen and nothing was fixed.

Not only do I feel like the loneliest person on the island I think I am the only one there and I really cannot take much more of this.

Something new is wrong,

I do hope it is only temporary, but this past week if I didn't know any better I would say I have rheumatoid arthritis. I hurt all over on top of my horrible pain.

I swear it never ends, my body is so tired of fighting and I know my life is never going to be the same again.

So I will continue calling my Infectious Disease doctor until I get an answer. Will it go away or do I need to check myself into the hospital and make someone run tons of test on me.

The Neverending Story

First off this used to be one of my absolute favorite movies growing up. Now I think it might better serve what I currently refer to as my life. 

I once again m back in DC/Maryland for doctor visits. The good news is that this nuisance in my arm can finally come out, the downside I will still be taking two oral antibiotics twice daily for another two weeks.

Next we do get to do something different, I head to the physiatrist to find out how/what needs to be done for my physical therapy and there we are still a LONG way from being over. 

My body hurts, the antibiotics are not helping that. My pain has only gotten worse not better. I am exhausted all the time and I never really sleep week 3 I think there.

Nothing is easy, everything that should be a ut and dry situation turns into a fiasco.

I need to focus on me, I need to get better. I do not care at this point what other people think or want because my number 1 priority is ME! Yes I said it and I sure as hell mean it.

I have been fighting this for so long every day I just want to throw in the towel, yet everyday I have a small hope that the next will be better.

Yes, you are right, this should not be the thoughts of a 31 year old educated female.... Well they are.

Depression is miserable, depression because of severe chronic pain is even more miserable. When you are the person that the drug commercial talks about...you have a severe problem.

I want to be myself again, but I fear that will never happen. Why you my ask? Well the Tammy that has gone through all of this has learned some new things and I also know that things many people take for granted like having a baby is not something I will experience. Yes my outlook as a 31 year old has changed for sure.

My medical knowledge has increased as well, because it had too. I need to know what they are telling me.

What I know: 

1. I am a very broken person

2. "Friends" disappear very quickly when things get tough. The ones that don't... DO NOT ever let them go.

3. Life changes way too fast

It is that time of year again

What I mean by, "It is that time of year again," is that it is Wedding Season. I feel like by now the weddings should be slowing down, but they definitely are not. Last year I went to six weddings.

This year I have had roughly the same amount, however I have had to cancel out of two of them because of how sick I was. Both of these decisions have been hard and I waited until last minute because I very much wanted to be there. I have spent a lot of time recently crying as depression has begun to rule my life and everything about it. Including what I do.

Now there are other contributors to this effect as well. I am not sleeping, literally, I did not sleep one minute last night. My pain has been horrible, I don't move around too well and I have very little energy.

I still have my PICC line in and over the next two weeks have a pretty grueling schedule of doctor appointments coming up. I do hope that my team of doctors can do more to help get me to a better place. I do hope that getting rid of the infection will be one of the first starts to this whole progression.

Sometimes it is so hard to look up, to get out of bed or even leave the house. I feel that the little person inside me wants to get out and just can't.

I wonder where to pick up from and I am not able to seem to find it.

Crash into me...

I feel as if I have two realities and they are colliding right now. I do not know where to begin or really even what to say, but that is how I feel.

Our bodies are only meant to take so much pain and suffering. I want to be me again... Although even when I get there, that will be a changed me. There is no way I could go through this and not come out changed, in what ways yet...that is what I really do not know.

Heck,I can't even get a good nights sleep, maybe 2-3 hours max right now. This is going on week 3 of this.

I have so much anxiety, something I never had before.

I want to be me, but for that to happen, I think that my: body, mind and soul need to crash ack into each other. 

Time for reflection

My depression has kicked up majorly lately. Even with the medications, I just can't seem to work my way out of this deep hole I seem to be sitting at the bottom of.

I was messaging and old friend today and I told her that is exactly how I felt. It is so hard to admit it and really the only way to describe how I feel without someone worrying that I may harm myself. The one thing I do not have is a feeling of harm. What I want to do is run as far away as possible from what I know to be my life.

What amazes me is how different my life has become since August 2011 and how different I have become. I have become the person that I do not recognize any more. I am so upset with how everything seems to be going, that I don't know who I am any more.

The silliest of things makes me cry like crazy and then I just cannot seem to stop once I get started.

Today I made a call to see a pain psychologist here in PA, because I just do not know what else to do. I need someone to talk to who can help me work through this. My brain already constantly sends pain signals all over my body making everything from inside to the outside feel absolutely miserably.

I keep telling myself that it will make me stronger,  I pray that it will make me stronger, and as the days go by  I have a harder time believing that it is actually happening.

Holiday time

Okay so the loneliest time EVER is around Holidays. Even just a long holiday weekend.

So I probably over did myself today, trying to clean and organize my bedroom. So my body is revolting a good bit right now and I could not sleep last night.

I hope to get a good nights sleep tonight.

Also other dangers... I picked up a jewelry making kit at the craft store. This could be trouble.

We may have caught a break

Well although this week has been pretty miserable and humid and hot... I think this morning we may have actually hit a breakthrough.

I went in to see my surgeon and the lab results came back from when he took out the drains last week, and it actually gave us the names of three bacteria that are in my leg causing this problem. So I have been on one broad-spectrum IV antibiotic and one oral antibiotic. Well the oral one is one I need to take care of this and now we are going to have to get the IV antibiotic switched. So I go to see the infectious disease doctor tomorrow.

I really hope this helps to give us the turning point so that the infection can actually be out of my body. I have been on antibiotics for just under two months with no luck and them fully fixing the problem.

This week has been so bad. I have been exhausted, I have had 3 night where I literally did not sleep at all. When you are trying to fight off an infection and your body has been at it for so long, sleep is truly something you need a lot of. My pain level has also spiked quite a bit the past few days. I feel like I am being stabbed over and over again.

So once the infection is gone and the swelling in my leg goes down, I can begin the next steps in the recovery process. Which means: PT, regular medicine schedule, going out and having a little more fun, trying to lift my spirits and hopefully sleep better and more.

So although I was hoping to be home today, I will take knowing that we finally have lab results in that are going to get us results. It may take a few weeks, but it will happen.

One thing I can say and I already knew this but I had never really experienced this myself. Is that infections are mean, ugly monsters that really try and ruin everything inside of you. They may stay in one spot, but they as a succubus for lack of a better term.  So for now I am not going to start jumping around in celebration just yet, because I know it will take time for the meds to work and for me to start seeing a difference.

I am ready for this to start turning around.

And you know you have a problem when...

ALL YOU DO IS GO TO THE DOCTORS!

You know I have gotten use to the whole weekly or bi-weekly treatments I was getting. Right now those days are long gone until this infection takes a hike up the river.

I went to the infectious disease doctor today and they took some samples and decided that I am still staying on IV antibiotics for another 7-10 days along with the other antibiotics that I am on.

Right now I am so sick of medicine. I fall asleep for no reason during the day, everything hurts and makes everything else worse.

I feel like I really do live in a hole, one that I can't crawl out of. I want to cry all of the time, because everything is so dam overwhelming.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have no social life and all of my friends well I only get to see them if I am visiting for doctors appointments. I am not fully sure the last time I really went out and had a good time. I am worried about not being able to go to a very close friends wedding in a few weeks, because I cannot fly to get there. I want an escape from what has turned into my reality.

These past two years have been a literal hell for me. I know that at some point I will catch a break, and they always say you hit your break when you are at your all time low. Well I am at that all time low and I am reaching as far as I can to get out.

Now there are a few things that make me different where people can see something is wrong on the outside: the pain in my face, my walking cane for balance and the PICC line in my right arm.

Disability takes on many forms and this is mine: chronic severe pelvic pain coupled with a horrible infection in my left leg right now. Along with numerous other things including very severe depression.

An update on what my life now is...

Honestly I don't even know where to start on this right now, but I need to clear my head and just try and get this out.

My surgery back in April resulted in a bad infection, one we are still trying to narrow down. I went back in three weeks later for another surgery where they flushed my leg out with solution and medication. I have a PICC line installed and am taking IV antibiotics. I will be working directly with the home health care here.

After a month and a half of this going back and forth my doctor has decided it is best for me to be down here and make sure we get everything taken care of. So between dealing with my surgeon, the infectious disease doctor, and the hospital.

I am so thankful for my very helpful friends who live in the DC area, who allow me to stay at their houses because I really do not know how I would do this without them.

I go to doctors constantly, I feel the my life is just going to the doctors. I feel like I can barely keep it all straight any more. I feel horrible mentally and physically. My body is just so tired of trying to fight what is going on that I feel that it doesn't want to do this any more.

So now I am looking at finding a place for next week and looking to get fully treated by the best doctors I can get to, here in the DC area.

My life needs a change, my body needs rest (I feel like I sleep the best when they put me under anesthesia), and if there was any time to take vacation from everything in life, it would be right now.

I know there are more things I want to say, but right now I think my brain is still trying to process it all. One of the hardest things in the world is going from being a fast paced, fun loving person to someone who lives in a deep depression and in constant pain. Your life changes so drastically. I know I am now alone out there, but it is probably one of the hardest things in the world to admit.

This is not something any of us should take lightly no matter what health issue we have. IC can control your life, pain can, nerves, some of the tiniest parts of our body can just make us miserable and you cannot stop until you find out how to fix it. It may be exhausting, but DON"t give up no matter how much you may want to. I have to tell myself this daily and I will continue to until I am me again.

A long over due update

I just realized that I had not blogged about how things have been going since the surgery, that really speaks to my state of mind lately as I barely remember what day it is.

First off, I must say that I have absolutely wonderful and amazing friends, I really do not know what I would do without them. Going through this whole process alone is hard and to my friend Angela and her family who opened up their home to me and took me to appointments for close to two weeks, I really can't give enough thanks. Those first two weeks were so difficult, especially after I came down with the infection. Truthfully at that point all I wanted to do is cry. I am always in pain, but that truly took things over the top.

To my friend Terra who has been with me since and essential been my chauffeur to many appointments and making sure I have what I need while at home has been a huge help these past few weeks as well. I don't know what I am going to do when I am back on my own. Hopefully by then I have the strength and I am able to do things on my own. 

The surgery so far from what we can tell was successful. The doctor found a lot of scar tissue in the area and also one of my nerves that had separated into two nerves. They were able to properly decompress the nerves and now it is just an action of how the healing goes. 

Unfortunately a few days after the surgery I noticed a red area, that at first I thought I had just left the ice on a little too long. The next day I knew that was not the case as my entire leg was red. The next thing I knew my leg was so swollen I could not put my underwear on, which completely freaked me out. (nothing about surgery is glamorous that is for sure).

I spent about a week and a half down in the DC area, before I returned home. Since then I have had even more appointments between my specialist and my surgeon. The stitches are now out, however the wound is not healed so I am working daily to steri-strip it myself and make sure nothing happens to it. Thank goodness for my first aid training and slight background in athletic training. 

Frustration is a big word too. Everything gets to me because I can't do it. I can't pick things up off the ground if I drop something. I can't drive, I can't go up and down stairs unless someone is here to watch me. The one time that I did it alone, I fell.

So the healing process has been hard, the next step right now is physical therapy. I will start that on Thursday and hopefully that begins to help.

I must say our bodies are amazing, because these three little nerves are causing me such agony and making everything so much harder to do. I will get through it, but it is not easy. That of course I already knew being that I have been dealing with this since August 2011. 

Right now trying to find the positive in things is very hard, but I am really working on it. I try each day to look  in a positive light even though it feels so hard.

Surgery... Is almost here!

All the test at one and the pre-op is one. Now it is time to prepare or tomorrow.

Crying: Inside and Out

Alright, so I am not a big emotional person, I especially hate showing any emotion to people at all that shows signs of weakness and vulnerability. What I do know, even a midst the anti-depressants I am on, I am still very depressed.

Last night after work I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes, I figure well it is my last week I need to do something. By the time I got home I wanted to do nothing at all but lay in bed, which is exactly what I did.

Although I really didn't just lay in bed, I did watch some TV and I blogged about all of this right now. Then I just started crying because I literally feel like the world is crashing in on me when I am behind closed doors and in my "safe zone."

I can function enough to get through the day at work, I may not be as productive as I like, but I can do it. What I can't seem to do is anything else. My body wants so bad to feel just okay... or closer to normal than what I do now. My mind wants to be that happy, fun and fearless thirty-one year old that I truly am. Right now I am not that person and that is not alright with me at all.

There has been a lot of talk about people with conditions lately, all I can say that depression should not be taken lightly it is a real thing. I would say more people are depressed and are not undergoing some type of treatment from a physician... they should be. We need to take mental illness seriously, it should not be frowned upon by society. It is a real condition, that needs real help.  I would go as far as saying I am no where near as serious as some people, but I can tell that I am not alright.

One Week Away

So my doctor's clearance have been given and my surgery is a go for next week.

What is not a go for next week:

• How I am getting to DC
• My sanity/mental health
• My body

I am going to try and get in the gym as much as possible this week, however I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill today and well my body hates me. I decided I have one week left of walking so I figured I would jog for a minute... I am sure I looked ridiculous, felt ridiculous and I will completely pay for that decision later.

Sometimes I really wonder how I get through my daily life, the past two weeks have really been hard now that season is over and this is what I have to focus on I think it is digging at me even more. 

You know you think being a grown up when you are a kid is going to be awesome... I hate to tell my 10 year old self this... however being an adult SUCKS! Maybe I would have told myself not to play sports (probably not), not to push myself (probably not either), not to be a perfectionist (I don't think I had any say in that), and ultimately I think I would just said have more fun and be a dam kid!

Of course it is so hard to really know what you would really do, but I guess it could be fun to think. Heck even when I was 22, I would have never thought my life would end up where it is now. I wanted to be fearless, but I will tell you what stops that quickly, A LIFE CHANGING EVENT that makes you scared, in pain and miserable all the time. 

My fearless I can take on the world, or at least a huge wrestling tournament can still come out and play, but I am just not the same me. I am much more reserved, I can't do what I use to, I have to admit that I am able to be taken down, which lands me in the training room getting treatment or barely moving.

I feel like my stance on everything has changed so much since August 2011, which partially makes me hate myself, because I am not myself. The truth is I don't know if I ever will be myself again. I hope to, I will strive to, but I really don't know if I will ever be there again.

What I feel now is just plain broken. In no other words, broken. I don't think I have ever cried this much in my entire life. I guess we can count a little progress I can talk about some of my treatments without crying like a baby, sometimes. 

That point where you start freaking out

Okay, maybe I should say that point where I start freaking out. I had my weekly appointment today which I knew was not going to be great, I was right. It hurt, getting touched hurts. I hate that a year after being diagnosed I still can't be touched.

I talked with the doctor and told him I have a call with the surgeon on Friday to go over the particulars, I told him I am just feel a lot of uncertainty going into everything. Worse than my first surgery.

I had a little bit of a meltdown in the car and I am sure I will have others in the next two weeks, I am trying to line people up to take care of me and get things covered from my end but in the end this whole thing sucks!

Whirlwind of a Month

I tell you what every year the month of March goes by faster and faster, it seems like before I know it, we are at NCAA's and then wrestling season is over. I tell you what, making it through last week was nothing short of a miracle for how my body felt.  I have to once again be very thankful for wonderful athletic trainers who were there to help me when I needed some treatment to help me get through the day, this literally was a daily ordeal.

I should say that traveling just seems to make symptoms and pain worse, I think it puts my anxiety through the roof as well. I know I can get through it, but it is not my favorite thing to do right now.  If it was fully up to my doctor I would not be traveling and we have had that discussion. Luckily now the season is done so that I can hopefully have the time to heal.

So for a minute let's just talk about NCAA Wrestling. I cannot say in words fully how much I love the sport of wrestling and why, but it is something that has kept me around for 23 years of my life and I would not change that at all. I was able to see history made again only in a different way. There have only ever been three 4 time National Champions. I saw Cael Sanderson go 159-0 with four titles and I was able to see Kyle Dake win his fourth title at four different weight classes. He is just such a dominant wrestler and is going to do great things for the sport of wrestling. He gets it... especially right now with the 2020 Olympic situation, he will be a great young spokesman for our sport.

Wrestling people are just fantastic people and fans... because we are all there for the same reason. I was able to see such people as: Billy Baldwin, Steven Neal, Bruce Baumgartner, Dan Gable, Congressman Jim Jordon, Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert and even Senator John McCain. I am sure I left a lot of people out, but people of all ages love the sport of wrestling. It has made them who they are today, because of the lessons learned. I may have never have stepped on the mat, but I feel that I am part of this family. I hope that through my love of the sport I have at least rubbed that off on a few people that did not ever watch the sport.

Anyhow now that I am back and trying to rest while my body gets back to normal, I must now prepare and get everything ready for surgery. I don't feel I am ready, I feel that my emotions are all over the place. For the third time in a year I am going to have to rehab myself back to as close to normal as possible and pray that this is the last surgery I will need. I know that all of this has brought about many life changes for my future, I know there are still some changes that I need to make going forward that will allow me to heal and become a better, stronger person. Sometimes things just feel so overwhelming to deal with, it doesn't seem like they are in reach at all.

So next up, is the surgery update and there will be much more to come on that I am sure.

Getting closer and getting older

Well my 31st birthday has officially come and gone. The month of March is always a crazy one for me as there is so much work to be done, it just seems to never, ever end.

I have decided today that a small bit of retail therapy is going to be my answer to happiness as I plan to go to the mall and quickly I hope find some earrings that I like along with maybe a few other small things.

I have less than a month until surgery, which I am starting to get antsy about. It has started to hit me more this week along with everything else moving in. I also am trying to figure out what is making me randomly fall asleep at the drop of a pin during the day. I fell asleep while driving the other day and almost got in a bad accident. Luckily I was close to a friends, so I was able to pull over safely and take a nap.

I am not sure if this is my medication messing with me or if it is my body saying back the heck up what are you doing?!?!

Either way I do not like it, it scares me. Everything about all of this scares me. Not feeling normal scares me. Not thinking that I will ever have a normal life/relationship scares me.

Today is just one of those days where I am a huge what if? Basically I feel like my life is a big question mark, filled with hundreds of tiny questions. It is strange to think of what I have been through in the past two years, the fact that I went un-diagnosed for so long, which compared to many is not that long as I have learned in talking to my doctor.

I guess the best thing I can say about that is to always be your own advocate, never give up when you know something is truly wrong with your body. You fight and push through it until you get the answers you are looking for, I know I did, but I also know that I had the biggest fear that the doctor would tell me it was all in my head. I knew that was not the case, I am tough and can handle a lot, but I had hit my breaking point. I had never been that depressed in my entire life. Mental illness really is an issue that people have and for many like myself it goes without treatment or a diagnosis, which just leads to worse things in the end.

Anyhow that is enough rambling for today. If anyone actually does read my blog, you probably think geez this girl is all over the place today... well I am and it is exactly how I feel.

Every celebration seems to end with pain

This past weekend I celebrated my 31st birthday. It was great to have some of my family in to visit for the weekend and do some running around, which we did on Saturday.  I also made reservations and we went out to dinner and had a few friends meet up with all of us. Then we went out to my favorite bar in town and celebrated for the rest of the evening.

On Sunday we got up and I knew it was going to be one of those bad days. Why you may ask? Well I was at a moderate pain level the day before and I was tired from all of the running around we did, so I knew eventually I would not be so lucky and things would catch up to me as they usually do.

So yesterday it hit and wouldn't you know it but I spent the majority of my actual birthday alone, laying on the couch with a heating pad praying that my pain would go away. Today has started out just as rough and I can only hope that tomorrow will be better. I am down to just about a month away from surgery and as scared as I am about the whole thing, I know that my body needs it, because my body needs to get better and is in a very bad state right now.

I keep telling my self that 2013 will be my year and I still have 9 months to see that really pull through for me.

Someday I will feel like I can live like a normal person and be the woman that I know that I can be, I just hope that time gets here soon.

I will say I was extremely surprised at the kindness of friends here and far away on birthday, just knowing that I have so many people that were thinking of me is a great thought to have. Even though ninety percent of them have no idea what is going on with me personally. This internal struggle to try and be the person I was just a few years ago has been very hard.

There is so much talk about mental illness these days, especially with the shootings that have happened. I don't think anyone realizes how bad of a hold depression can take on someone unless they have personally lived through it or gone through it with a close friend or loved one. It really does make you feel like a person that you are not. It is like being in this dark hole all alone and at the very bottom and not knowing how to get out. Sometimes you can function enough to do daily tasks and other times you just can't.

I know that happens to me a lot, I will get through everything I need to do during the week, but the minute I am done I am home and in my room. Then on the weekends I just don't want to get out of bed.

Did I ever think this is what my life wold be like at the age of 31? No not at all... but I do know that I am working through it the best that I can.

2013 Needs to be my year

I write this as I am getting ready to approach my 31st birthday this coming Sunday, and although I am not really keen on reading into horoscopes I decided to look at what this one had to say today: http://shine.yahoo.com/horoscope/pisces/overview-yearly-2013.html

I have been telling myself that 2013 will be my year. My lucky number was 13, my jersey number in high school was 13. I turn 31 on 03-03-13, so to me it seems like something sure is lining up, but then again it could just be a bunch of 3's. :)

My goal was I was going to get a tattoo for my birthday, but I have to wait until after surgery. It does have some of these components built in and it is truly me.

This year will be my year and I will make it through all of these trials and hurdles to ultimately succeed!

IC + Severe Nerve Pain = Disaster

I was thinking about this the other day and I realized that it has been just under one year since I was diagnosed with IC. I had surgery on March 29th and my condition worsened drastically, I then found a specialist and was diagnosed around April 18th with a long list of conditions starting with IC.

So nearing a year I feel as though I have been put on more medications to try and help, I am currently still seeking weekly treatments from my doctor and I still don't feel like myself. I have definitely had to become a stronger person this year. Although I know I am strong and can take on the world, this has really tested my mind and body.

I ran a large tournament in Minnesota this past weekend which meant plane travel and long hours, before the tournament started I had to ask the Athletic Trainer if I could have some treatment so I could make it through the day. So here I was before my own event on the table getting heat to try and calm my pain down and explain what was going on. I have to say I have always been blessed to have great Athletic Trainers around me, because of my job in sports, they really do a great job and are caring people.

I found this today and I wanted to share it because it is so true and it reminds me of this journey that I am on, especially as I look towards another surgery in early April.

Sometime's it is the little things

I was thinking about this today and every now and then you just really think how am I going to get through all of this. Then something kind of hits you out of no where and lets you know that someone else has you in their thoughts enough to give you a call and check on you or send you a thank you note.

Today I walked into work and there was a handwritten thank you on my desk, completely unexpected but it meant a lot, even if it was a simple gesture.

The Trouble with Travel

To any of my followers (if any of you are out there) with IC, you know that traveling can be a severe pain.... literally!

Saturday I was to make a 4+ hour drive to Ithaca, NY. I was packed and ready the night before I decided I would go to bed and get a good nights sleep, which I did. Then it hit me, I went to get out of bed when my alarm went off and I was struck with the wall of pain the minute I moved.

I had a bunch of errands to run and things I wanted to do and I just felt absolutely miserable. So that makes at least five of seven days last week that I really could not function properly. It is really getting annoying.

Either way I made the trip, the rental car I got had heated seats so that made the trip a little more bearable.

Sunday was a bunch of running around and I just felt horrible, then driving home again after the event didn't help.

Today I feel like a waste of space, my pain is up, my body just wants to fully shut down and I am fighting it every step of the way because I have to be at work and have to get things done.

This is no way to live life.

The good news: less than 2 weeks until my birthday!

This is really getting old

Well my surgery is less than 2 months away... check that is on the calendar.
Doctors appointments weekly... check that is still on the calendar.
Feeling miserable a lot... takes over my entire life!

The past few days have just been absolutely horrible, the pain was just unbearable even with the medicaitons and stronger medications. I feel like my body has surpassed the boundary of what pain really should be and it made it worse.  I was so just overwhelmed I almost called and cancelled my appointment because I did not want to be in the car for four  hours. I am glad I went and we are trying out another medication I hope that will help, but it will take a little time before we see any changes.

Of course I was asked if I could move the surgery up and I said not a chance, to any of my wrestling fan friends, you obviously know why. Speaking of wrestling we took a huge hit this week with the IOC, dropping wrestling starting at the 2020 games, which is just bull!

I feel like I am doing everything to just keep myself together and that is taking everything that I have right now. I told my doctor let's just get through the next eight weeks and then figure it out from there. Then I will deal with the surgery and what I am going to do about that. Not to mention in the middle of all of this is my birthday, I never thought this is what my life would be like as I was getting ready to turn 31. In all honesty I thought I would be married by now with the beginnings of a family. I guess you never know where life will take you, but I know part of that road it won't be taking me on.

But since I was 29 I feel like all I have known in my life is this horrible pain that just creates a black whole. Yesterday I told my doctor that I literally could not get out of bed, every fiber of my being said no. It was such a challenge. I am thankful that I have understanding doctors. As of April 18th it will have been a year since I first saw this specialist, and March 29th marks the first surgery that lead me into this spiral of life.

Well all I can say is that my hope is still that my 31st year on this earth will still be a good one to me.

What a day, 397 miles traveled, 2 appointments

So yesterday I had two appointments one was in Silver Spring, MD and the other in Bethlehem, PA.

I left my house before 6 am and did not make my appointment in Silver Spring due to horrible traffic on the Beltway. I got there 45 minutes late which they worked me into the schedule since I called and told them I was having issues.  I am extremely lucky to have doctors that are so understanding.

So besides being extremely frustrated from traffic, being that I already have all of these crazy problems... it just adds to my severe pain. The surgeon was pleased with my EMG results from last week, because the function of muscles and nerves in my left leg are normal. What is not normal however are the sensory nerves that are in my groin area, where I always have pain. So we discussed what options were out there for a long-term solution to getting myself out of this pain. That lead us to where the doctor was expecting to go which is a nerve decompression.

Of course it is not normal to want to have to get cut open again, but in this case I want to be out of pain so bad that I will take making it worse to get better. That is what happened with my surgery in September so I have a good outlook on this even though it is an extra stress to my life right now in the busiest part of my work year. I have scheduled the surgery for April 9th and will have a long recovery. The good news is that the doctor does want me exercising, I can continue walking on the treadmill and I am to add swimming two times a week as well. He wants me to strengthen my body as much as I can, even though I am not allowed to lift or do anything too strenuous.

I was warned in advance that the surgery will be invasive and it will be painful, I am to expect a lot of pain after and  that my physical therapy after will also be difficult.

Then I had the drive to Bethlehem, which was long and miserable. I had the worst case of road rage ever as I was worried I would be late to my appointment, I made it just in time which was good. In the mean time I had an issue with work and I had to find a Starbucks to get the internet. I was just stressed in every way possible.

At my second appointment of the day, I talked with the doctor and we altered some of my medications to try and help in the mean time, which makes me feel kind of foggy today (it probably doesn't help much that I did not sleep well and then hit the gym at 5 am).  The doctor feels that he thinks that having this surgery will help calm everything else down as it is so painful right now. So I will continue getting treatments as well in the mean time.

I then talked with my doctor on how hard this is to try and talk to people about, because I just don't feel that people fully understand how miserable this feeling really is. He said that is extremely common from his patients and that it is something hard to explain and for people to understand. He once again told me however that this is something that is more common that we think when it comes to the IC and the issues within the pelvic floor (I have other issues going on as well, see the surgery remarks above).

I wish it was easier to talk about and for people to truly understand the pain that this causes. This will be my 3rd surgery in a year's time.

Right now I need to focus on everything else I have going on and in the mean time just try and make sure I am taking care of myself.

I haven't written in a while

I tell you what sometimes life just gets the best of you. I have been so busy lately, with work and going to the doctors that I don't feel like I am ever home. My bedroom shows this as it is a disaster!

Anyhow I am still in the rat race of trying to get better although it just seems to keep circling around. I started working out this week, I did 30 minutes on the treadmill... so that is something. I don't know what the future seems to hold for my body, although I am hoping for better results in 2013 than I have had the past two years.

I am still on all of the medication, part of me wonders if stopping it to see what it would do would be a bad idea or a good one. I would level on the side of bad from the one time I forgot to take it.

All I want is to feel normal again and feel like I can actually do things like a normal person. This is something that I really have yet to feel I have experienced. My weight is higher than it has been in a long time, not being able to have physical activity really messed with that especially over the holidays.

Part of me is thinking going back to PT a few times a month may not be a bad idea, I just don't know where I have the time to do it right now.

I feel like my outlook on what my future may look like has changed drastically over the past year in many ways I do not know if I will ever see it differently at all.

Right now my biggest hope is that I get a good chunk of money back from my taxes so that I can put it towards my medical bills. I just can't get ahead, my guess is over the summer I am going to have to take a second job to be able to pay my bills. Hopefully by then my body can handle it.

I got an EMG the other day, that hurt like crazy. I go in to see my doctor again Wednesday and we will find out what the next step is.

Life is just exhausting!

Trying to do a little good

Most of my life I have struggled with my weight. Everyone always comes up with New Years Resolutions to lose weight, work out more, etc.

My biggest goal for this year is to feel better about myself, which is really hard when you really feel miserable all of the time. Now on the good news front I got my doctor to agree to let me use a treadmill to workout right now, as compared to walking in the pool, so that will add up to some calories burned. I need to get back to feeling as good about my body as I can and I think it will help my overall well-being.

So I was thinking to myself that maybe I can try to motivate my younger sister, now I have done this in the past but with little to no success. She will be entering her last year of college come next fall and will then be interviewing for jobs. Well the good news is that she finally wants to take the step to feel better about herself, which is what I have gotten through our conversations.

Due to this I have issued her a challenge, if she can get to 200 lbs by the end of year, this will mean she will be losing a good amount of weight to do so, that I will purchase her a material gift of fairly substantial value. I told her I would go along the lines of a Michael Kors watch so she has something nice when she goes out into the working world.

The good news is that she has accepted this challenge, now we are only in day two, but I told her she has to check in monthly with progress reports. I really hope that she makes this change and makes it for good, because I know how much better it will make her feel and I know this because at one time I was her, but it took me a lot longer to do something about it.

Anyhow time to finish up Friday, it is officially one week to my big event next week. I had a doctors appointment Wednesday, I looked at my belly last night I have some bruising from the injections... go figure. Which just makes the pain a little worse.