The end of the year and hopefully a new beginning

So long 2012, you were not exactly the best year in my 30 years on this earth, for countless reasons which I have been writing about in this blog for the past few months.

I am still so upset with my body and I fight every day to try and get that feeling to go away, but it seems to just get harder not easier. Yesterday I had to go shopping for some new khakis and I was so dismayed while trying to find something that fit and did not hurt at the same time.

I did manage 30 minutes of exercise on a stationary bike yesterday, first actual exercise of the year, that wasn't physical therapy... but boy did I pay for it later.  My goal for 2013 is to work out more and attempt to strengthen my body as much as I can to try and get through these diagnosis and problems.

I spent part of yesterday making healthy food to eat this week, so that I don't have to think too much about preparing breakfast and lunch if nothing else. I also did a lot of sitting around with heat and my Empi stym machine because I was in pain all weekend as well. 

So my goal is to keep a positive outlook for 2013. 

I look forward to a wonderful night tonight with great friends and welcoming 2013 which I truly hope and pray will bring a better outlook on life and a happier and healthier New Year not only for myself, but also for those people who have been there for me and who I am very honored to call my friends. Happy New Year everyone... CHEERS!

Catching Up

Well I am back to work and attempting to get my self back in order: sleep schedule, proper eating, exercise, and making some plans with friends.

I have a huge event coming up on January 11-13th, which I am not fully prepared for and I have to hope I can get through.

I cancelled my weekly appointment yesterday, because I just could not handle sitting in a car for 4 hours after that 9+ hour drive home Wednesday. It hurt me and I needed the treatment but I just could not do it, seriously though, my bladder really hates me.

What I did was went and picked up some supplies for my Empi unit to use to help calm my pain and spoke with my physical therapist that I will end up coming back for some treatments most likely here in the next month or so. I have a feeling I am going to need her at points. It was good to catch up with her and let her know how I was doing since I have not seen her since before my surgery.

Today I am trying to get some brackets done and listening to Les Miserables as I work. I am planning to see the movie this weekend.

Well time to get back to work I guess.

Getting over/through the Holidays

Well Christmas is over, it was great to be back home with friends and family, I really enjoyed being around those that mean so much to me. I drove past and visited my childhood home where I have so many great holiday memories from. I tried to visit my grandparents at the cemetery but of course it was not plowed and there was a foot of snow. I drove through a storm on Friday night to get back.

Good old South Main St. in Meadville, what a  beautiful old house. 

I did take a little bit of a break from email and the computer. I did post to Facebook and Twitter, but I really wanted to focus on being around those people that who have supported me through all of this. I even saw some people I did not expect to see which is always nice.

I had some hurdles to get through and had a talk with my brother about all of this and kind of laid out how I was feeling to him, so I hope that helps us to make some necessary changes moving forward. I have not fully told most people what is wrong with me because I do feel some of it is extremely personal, but I needed my brother to know I need support if nothing else and I feel that is something that has really been lacking.

Yesterday, I had to drive back. Let me tell you what, I should have left at 9 am even though I had a few errands I had to run. Driving home on I-80 when no plows are out in a white out where your windshield wipers keep freezing is not ok. My usual 5 hour drive turned into 9+ hours. I got home, unpacked my car as much as I could handle and just sat down on the coach and tried to relax.

This photo is what my drive home looked like, I took it while stopped at a rest stop!

I also ended up cancelling my doctors appointment today, because quite frankly I could not sit in a car for 4 hours today, even though I do need my treatment, my body needs  a break. This was my longest car trip since my surgery which already gave me anxiety but that trip home just made it worse!

So back to work and the normal grind. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas.

Also another good thing... there will be no more cookie baking until next Christmas. Although according to my 13 year old brother his favorite part of Christmas was my creme de menthe cookies. :) So I must have done something right.

Depression and other Mental Illness

Not that I want to be a person who tries to compare any part of my life to the tragedy that happened in Newtown, CT last week. I feel horrible for those students, parents, teachers, first responders and the community, I think they have been in the thoughts and prayers of everyone this past week, including mine.

Now, one thing I can talk about is depression and that is because I suffer with it daily. Some days I am fine and others are just a big deep black hole. This past Tuesday was one of those black holes and Wednesday did not get much better.

Tuesday after my doctors appointment my pain was just so bad I did not know what to do. I could barely walk, I just look miserable as I moved around the office. Tuesday night didn't get much better.

Wednesday I woke up still in pain, but not quite as bad and just tried to get through what was going to be another extremely busy day.

So here we go just a few days before Christmas. The Holidays although they are meant to be fun and cheerful really are not always what they are cracked up to be for some people.  Take me for instance I try so hard to be happy about the holidays, I do the baking, wrapping of gifts, etc. But behind all of that I am just constantly sad and feel like I cannot climb out of the hole that I am in.

Can you hide it... yes you can. Can you hid it all of the time... the answer is no! Something happened on Tuesday night that hit me pretty hard and I just couldn't deal with it, there has been a lot of crying since. Although I usually break down at night when I am in bed and alone, this time I did it at my office while talking with a friend. Sometimes it just gets you.

Even with treatment, sometimes you just have to sit back and take a deep breath, but there are times when that is just not going to cut it.

Am I excited to go home and see my family and friends... of course I am. However, it brings other things to light to. I was talking to my dad about some of this last night and he goes Tammy it will get better sometimes it just takes time. Well I for one am tired of waiting and putting my life on hold because of how miserable I feel daily. He told me he wishes they were around to help, which in all honesty I am not sure if that would be a help or more stress and don't get me wrong I love my family, but sometimes I just can't take them.

So if you have a loved one that is having a hard time just be patient with them, everyone has struggles deep down inside of them, sometimes more than they want to share with the world. So don't judge them and just be supportive and if they truly need help, get them the professional help that they need.

Make your time count

It is officially one week until Christmas. I tell you what, Christmas has completely overwhelmed me this year in every way possible.  I did manage to spend most of yesterday wrapping gifts, making chocolate covered pretzels and fudge. I still have some cookies to frost and another batch to bake to take back to my brothers when I leave on Friday. I do feel better about getting a lot done yesterday and taking all day to do it.

Not to mention Friday night was our annual Christmas Party which had at least 30 people if not more in attendance, we had a great time and I was so glad to see so many of my friends in attendance, which made for a very late night.

I got my packages shipped to my family in Florida and my family gift exchange gift to the person I will not see, so that is one check off of the list.

Today... one thing I know for sure is my bladder hates me and I am glad that I am going in for a treatment tomorrow. It is one thing to know you have to go pee, it is another to be in excruciating pain because you have pee. THIS IS NOT OK EVER! To those of you out there with IC that read this, I know you can relate, it is a miserable feeling even when you are doing everything you can to try and keep your body calm.

One thing I do know is I am grateful for the little things this year and on Saturday, I was able to meet a very good friend for dinner in Bethlehem, PA, which was mid way for both of us. On the way home I had a few Facebook notifications, I did of course wait until I got home to check them (yes I was being a safe driver).

Much to my surprise I had written on a local jewelers Facebook page that they were doing a contest with. Here was the question:
          Best "fill in the blank" answer WINS a little something for under YOUR tree!!!
          "All I want from Ream Jewelers this year is ______________"

So I figured what the heck, why not say what I would really like and what it would mean. I am all about jewelry having meaning to me. My claddagh ring was a present from my parents on my 18th birthday, on my 21st birthday I received my birthstone set in white gold. On my right hand I wear the first diamonds I have ever owned that I saved up and bought for myself.  So for the question above I thought back with reflection on this year:

"A Michael Kors watch to remind me that every minute of every day is important and to know that each minute we get is a             blessing. In good times and in bad times we need to keep ticking.... something I tell myself daily as I try and get through the pain, surgeries and doctors appointments."

This year has been a struggle, even worse than 2011 and I really do just have to take it one day and sometimes one minute at a time. This year brought me two surgeries, depression, severe chronic pain,  countless doctors appointments and procedures, lots of medication, travel to see all of these specialist, physical therapy, and some other issues I am sure I am forgetting. I have had to learn to live my life much differently which has been extremely hard and coming to terms with all of this has been even harder. Although I have physically done this alone, I have so many wonderful friends to be thankful for and I don't know what I would do without them.

So my new jewelry goal is a beautiful Michael Kors watch which I have on layaway and will slowly pay off, since my bills and medications have to take precedence. The $50 gift card that Ream Jewelers is giving me from this contest is going directly to this watch and it means so much sometimes to know that there are kind and giving people out there who will do something as simple as this when it will in turn mean so much to me in the future.

This year I have made it my goal to shop locally and buy local as much as I can. I have made some fairly big and necessary purchases all from local family owned businesses. This just encourages me to keep doing so and has earned another loyal customer, plus what young lady doesn't love jewelry? I can't wait to stop in tomorrow and apply my gift to my purchase, so in the spirit of the season Merry Christmas! I hope that everyone out there gets some type of special Christmas wish that comes true.

My spleen is better than your spleen...

Yes that is exactly what I called and told my 24 year old brother today. A few weeks ago he went into the hospital with acute pain, it just ended up he has a bruised spleen and potentially an ego since he got it playing  basketball at work.

So I know my spleen is ok because of the CT Scan I received last week. Anyhow, they were looking for a hernia which they did not find or anything abnormal in my pelvis, which they did not find. There are some calcifications in my gallbladder though, which could mean that may need to come out here soon if it begins to bother me.

So now we are looking at my problem is strictly in my nerves, my femoral nerve and another nerve in my leg I do not remember the name of. I received a nerve block today which took away that pain, but that is temporary for only a few hours.

My doctor has ordered some other test on the femoral nerve that I need to have done before we decide to go any further with treatment. So this could mean another surgery in my left groin area. I need to wait and see what is going on and it is a horrible time of the year with the holidays and work so I am sure I won't get this appointment until later in January. I was also told I cannot go alone so I am going to have to find a friend to drag to Baltimore with me.

So my anxiety about the CT Scan results is better, but now I have all of these other thoughts racing through my head. In all reality I want this to end. Today is 12-12-12 a very strange date on the calendar that well is a once in a lifetime type of day and I spent most of it at the doctors getting this news.

All I can say is that I am really ready for 2013 and I hope it brings better things for my health and my life.

I have decided I am going to start doing more physical activity it is going to hurt, but I am not going to make it through working my next few events without it.

Why can't life just be easy... I hate feeling this way.

Getting through the day/week

I don't know about you, but sometimes just looking at the calendar makes me anxious.

For instance this week we will start with yesterday:

• Sunday - committee meeting 11:30
• Monday - 8-5ish then run errands
• Tuesday - 5 am PT, drive 2 hours for a 9 am doctors appointment, drive directly back to work. After work stop at home drop off gym bag, grab overnight bag, drive to DC.
• Wednesday - 8:45 am appointment with surgeon to go over my CT results from last week, drive back come directly to work, clean the house
• Thursday - work 8-5ish again then home to clean and bake
• Friday - work 8-5ish then home to set up for my annual Christmas Party
• Saturday - head up to NJ to meet up with friend stay the night to be closer to NYC
• Sunday - The Grapple in the Apple at Madison Square Garden

That is my week in a very tiny nutshell and I wonder why I feel the way I do.

Barely made it out of bed

So today is Thursday, which I usually go to the gym at 5:30 am and have my accountability buddies here from work. Well that did not happen this morning. Between starting a new medication and having a crazy week, my body did not want to go anywhere. Right now it still doesn't want to do anything but here I am sitting at work, in my sweatpants and fleece. I just want to be warm and bundled up and even with the medicine the pain is not going away.

Someone posted this today on Facebook and all I could think was this is so true, but still so hard.

One of those days

Well for the first time in a month I went to the doctors and got my injections which is a good thing, because I really needed them. My doctor worked to re-assure me that I am doing okay and my body still has a lot of healing to do as we work on taking care of all of me not just one part of me.

Stress is just such a huge factor and being a Type A personality that wants to control everything really doesn't help at all.

So I came home tonight and drank my barium drink, I have to start another one tomorrow and then I will walk over to the hospital and get this CT Scan done, not knowing what it might show. Which if it does show anything I am to report that back to my doctor.

I was put on another medication tonight as well... to help with my nerves and to try and get them firing properly. It amazes me how messed up my body is. I just want to be a normal person again. I feel like I try so hard to feel normal and it just fires right back at me and says hello no. It is the most frustrating thing in the entire world.

But I still strive to be normal... whatever normal is. The last time I remember normal I was at a friends wedding in upstate New York having an absolute blast. Next thing I know my life changed with what I thought was a bladder infection that just got worse and worse ... and that was August of 2011.

It is December 2012, since I have turned 30 I have had two surgeries, I can't even count the number of doctors appointments, trips to the pharmacy, injections, etc that I have had to endure.

I thank God that I have some great friends who have really been there for me, they are the only reason I have made it through this... even if it is just a quick text to check on how I am doing, sometimes that means the world.

So tomorrow I have a CT, work, a meeting and I start yet another medication. The only good news when the doctor asked if I was on this medication I told him no and I was right, being that I can't keep my meds straight to begin with.

Now I will be going back to weekly doctors appointments to try and get my angry bladder to calm down. IC really does SUCK!

Finally

On Thursday while I was on business in Springfield, Illinois, I received a call from my surgeon that my CT Scan was finally approved by the insurance. I felt so relieved to be able to go in and get this imaging done to my body.

Although at the same time I am scared that they won't see a hernia and that means more nerves have to go. I guess right now I just need to keep a positive attitude towards everything and really try and just continue to take it one day at a time.

What I do know is I feel extremely overwhelmed right now. Maybe it is the holidays, my health, things going on with my family, work... maybe it is everything just snowballing into one big issue that just makes me feel like I have no control and I just want to cry. Depression is really, truly a horrible thing.

I continue to try and do things that make happy, I continue to try and do things to take my mind off of everything. One thing you cannot do... is take your mind off of pain when it will not go away.

Sometimes it just feels like a big hole you can't climb out of.

I do get to go see my doctor on Tuesday for some treatments and I am going to discuss all of this with him. Wednesday morning is my CT Scan. After that I will be making my appointment in DC to see the surgeon again.

All this seems to add to me is more chaos and stress. It is so hard to explain to people, sometimes I just don't even bother. I haven't even told most of my family the real truth to all of this, because I just don't want to face it all.

So for right now I will put my thoughts out here on my blog and hopefully it will clear my mind enough to let me try and sleep tonight.

I did a lot of cookie baking this weekend and I posted a photo to Facebook, my older cousin Chris said it reminded him of my Grandma Tedesco, she loved to bake and loved the holidays. I am not so sure I love the Holidays, but I do love to bake. It made me think back to how much I wish my grandparents would have been around longer. My grandmother died before I was born and my grandfather passed away when I was 5. I am sure they are looking down on us now, but part of me wishes I would have gotten to know this woman that my family says I remind them of so much.

See this is what the Holidays does to you... one day at a time and grin and bear it I guess.

FRUSTRATED!!!

Well it has been over a month since I last saw my surgeon and we are still trying to get my insurance to cover a CT Scan, that so far they have denied over 3 times. I am really losing my patience, because I don't feel better, I do in some ways and do not at all in others.

I still can't function without pain pills, I still take them daily. I have little to no energy at all, even if I sleep for 10 hours. The pain in my groin still hurts and throbs daily, because of Sandy, my usual doctors appointments are thrown all out of whack and I will not get in to see them until December 4th.

I feel like a total and complete mess.

My younger brother bruised his spleen and was in the hospital this weekend in severe pain and he goes "Tammy I think I got a glimpse of how you feel every day this is the worst pain I have ever had, I don't know how you do it."

That made me feel a little better that he had some way of feeling the pain, not that I want him to be in pain, but either way it is so hard to describe to someone unless they have experienced extreme pain.

So the holidays are officially here, I made it through Thanksgiving I spent it here with friends, I decided not to travel. I will be traveling for Christmas so that is a whole new ball game and something I haven't done since the surgery.

I need strength and someday's I just don't know where I am going to get it from.

I will say I did have a great time going to the movies and doing some shopping with friends over the Holiday. One thing I have to be Thankful for is friends to lift me up when I am not doing so well and my health although it is not great, it is a little better than a year ago, so all I can do is continue to try and get better.

Time just flies by

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I have posted. The first part of November was crazy because I was running and event and helping out with the election. My body still has yet to recover from all of this.

I constantly tired, I don't feel like I ever get enough sleep part of that may be my medication though as well. Either way I am trying to do as much as I can to have a life.  I have healed more from the surgery but the incisions still hurt pretty bad. I have cream I have to rub on them twice a day, but they still hurt. The doctor said that I am doing alright, but this is going to be a six month recovery.

I also haven't seen my doctor for treatments for over a month now and my body is paying for it for sure. Hurricane Sandy made them cancel my last appointment and I have not been able to get in since. I have another two weeks to wait. Hopefully they go by quickly.

I am waiting to get a CT Scan approved through my insurance (who has denied it twice) to see what else is going on inside my body before we elect for another surgery. Hopefully I will know more on that next week.

I had one day this week that my pain was just excruciating and nothing got rid of it, I was so down because of it.

Today is Thanksgiving and I decided I did not want to travel so I stayed here and some very nice friends invited me over to their house to join them and their family for Thanksgiving dinner. When we all went around to say what we were thankful for, I said that I am thankful I am getting better and that I have such great people surrounding me.

The one thing I have learned through this whole process since August 2011, is you really learn who your friends are and who you can count on. Sometimes people just surprise you.

So as I sit here being lazy and not wanting to move, I may go to the bar for some human interaction for a bit even though I am still in a food coma from this afternoon.

Getting ready for an event

So I am officially in event week and well I think it is already taking a toll on my body.  Hurricane Sandy came through yesterday, luckily my house didn't get hit and we just had some rain and high winds. It did give me time to stay home from work as the office was closed and I worked from home all day.

Now the bigger question is really how does my body hold up being only 6 weeks post-op from my surgery? I have been doing my therapy and I went and saw my doctor last week. He has ordered some new test, I have to go in and get a CAT scan and some of my medications were changed. There is a possibility of a hernia on my left side and the doctor wants to rule out any other issues that I may have at this point during my healing process.

So this week is all about doing what I need to do to get through the week and the event on Saturday. I really just want to not get out of bed at all. I am not sure if my depression gets worse or my anxiety at this point, I am sure it is probably a combination of both at this point.

I eat because it makes me feel better.... even though I really need to stop eating.

One of the best things that I have done in the past few weeks was I bought a new bed and it has definitely helped my sleeping. It was time, my old bed had seen better days.

So now trying to figure out how to get through the week... I will do this I just have to be careful.

What a week

Well my bi-weekly doctors appointment was today. I got my shots and instillation and took the 2 hour drive there and back. The doctor was also nice enough to help me out with an antibiotic for the super sinus infection that happened to strike at me today.

Some days I really wonder... I mean that is truly the last thing that I need, to get sick. With an event in three weeks and helping out with political campaigns things have been super crazy.

I am going to try and get a good nights sleep and take care of myself.

I am looking forward to tomorrow though. Apparently there is a program that Zoup has called Zoup to the Rescue and two of my friends in Colorado put my name in to possibly get this great gift. So it works out great that I am sick and getting wonderful soup delivered to my workplace tomorrow morning. So a shout out thank you to Jason and Abby Bryant.

Starting to see some changes

Well luckily my pain from the surgery is finally starting to diminish, the incisions still hurt so I still only wear sweat pants and things that don't push against my incisions.

I really don't have much energy still, sometimes I wonder how I make it through a full day. I am working to try and keep a fairly normal schedule, so doing the mandatory physical therapy is hard. I went to the gym again yesterday for therapy and I just felt even less energy.

Things that haven't changed much in terms of I feel better reclined than sitting straight up and down and I still limp a good bit from time to time because of the pain. I hope that eventually this will go away.

I need to work on keeping my body healthy and eating better. I have been trying, but man stress eating really gets me when I feel like this.

I see the doctor in two weeks so I will be interested to see how he feels that I am progressing.

The one thing that is still left out is my actual amount of being social, by the time I am done doing whatever I am suppose to do that day, I just want to come home and do nothing.

Mid-Week Update to my First Week Back

I must say this week, even though it is Wednesday sure has taken a toll on me.

This is my first week officially back in the office, being here from 8-5 is taking about every ounce of energy that I have in my body.

I was able to get an office downstairs (because going up and down stairs all day is just too much strain on my body), so I am in the building just not near my co-workers. It has its ups and downs, but for me it is making it easier to get around which is great. I am very thankful to the group that we share office space with, for allowing me to take up space downstairs for a while until I get better.

I feel like I have zero energy, I stopped at Starbucks this morning for a latte, which is not my usual thing to do. I get home from work and I want to do nothing at all. Today however I have volunteered to help on one of the political floats in a local parade, I am trying to expand my horizons and get involved in some groups that I believe in, so tonight after work I will use even more energy, but I think it is for a great cause.

Recovery

Well my three weeks off of work has come to an end. Even though I did spend most of it sitting at home working. I am not sure how my body is going to hold up with everything just yet, but tomorrow I go back to work and on Tuesday I start my water PT,

I am both concerned and worried at the same time, I am not sure how I will be able to handle a 9 hour work day when I can hardly do most things for more than a few hours of going out, but I have to try.

The odd thing is the most I have slept since the surgery, and for as long as I can remember before has been the past two nights where I was actually in bed for 12 hours each, plus a nap today. That was a glorious feeling to not feel exhausted, but I still wake up with no energy.

All of this is just another thing to get through. My incisions are healing, they still hurt but they are healing which is good. I feel like this has been quite a trial in this journey, quite possibly the worst one yet.

All I can do is keep on taking it day by day.

Post-op Appointment

So I went to see my normal doctor today, for my post-op check up and get my normal nerve blocks and instillation.

This was my first big outing since the surgery by myself, which included a two hour drive there and a two hour drive back home in pretty bad rain.

Well I did not end up getting my treatments, but I did talk to the doctor about the pain I am in, not sleeping at night and my recovery time. Next week I start water physical therapy, which I am not looking forward to, but I have to do it.

Going through this does not at any point get easier, it just seems to be getting harder even though I feel like it should be getting easier, since I have been being treated since April.

Now I know that surgery is a trauma to my body, which means the body will go into a state of shock and be miserable for a period of time while it heals itself. I know that is the stage that I am in right now, but I feel like there is no end in sight even though I know at some point there will be.

I am glad I have my friends to talk to, but sometimes going to the doctors alone while dealing with this can be really hard. The only time throughout this that I have taken someone with me was when my friend Brooke came with me to surgery two weeks ago.

The fact that it is exactly two weeks to the day that I had surgery, I just need to keep pushing on, no matter how hard it hurts.

The after pains

I reieved the okay frm my surgeon to remove the pressure bandages that I have had on since my surgery on the 18th.  It was kind of strange seeing them for the first time. They are the largest surgically scars i have to date at e age of 30, they are both about the size of my pointer finger.

Either way they still hurt, I go in for my post op on Tuesday.

The good news about the past two weeks is that I have completed one baby blanket and now am working on a scarf. If nothing else, I ave been productive in the crafting department. Ext is updating photos and scrap booking the old ones.

I did leave the house today and went to my roommates field hockey game where they had a Huge win.

Other than that my entire goal is to take it easy and try and recover as best that I can.

I know I have had a lot of great friends pulling for me in all of this, but even with that being said, I still think this has been one of the loneliest times of my life.

It has been one week

I haven't blogged much in the past week, so I wanted to try and get caught up on my thoughts and what things have been like.

Last Monday I left and went down to Silver Spring, Maryland, where my surgery was going to take place. I got down there in the afternoon and just had time to relax and hang out with my friend.

Tuesday morning was a super early morning. Surgery was scheduled at 7 am which meant I had to be at the surgery center at 6 am. I got up at 5 a.m. and showered with Hibiclens before heading in for surgery. Then I got there and filled out the usual paperwork along with the other preparation work that they do for you when you are about to get cut open.

After going through things with the nurses, the doctor arrived and went over to what they were going to be doing to me. So I had three nerves cut in my pelvis and groin. I will look up the technical terms to all of this later. The surgery lasted a little over two hours.

I woke up from surgery in complete and total pain. Nothing seemed to be taking me down to a manageable level. I was in recovery longer than I was in surgery and I felt absolutely miserable. I was also dreading the getting up to go to the bathroom, because of how bad I hurt. So that was excruciating even with the nurses helping me move.

We did get things calmed down and I was able to leave, I had asked the doctor for crutches which he agreed to, because putting weight on my left leg was just so painful I couldn't do it. The doctor agreed to the crutches to help me get around for the reasons that they would stabilize me and also slow me down.

So going back to my friends Brooke and Mike they took great care of me all week, even though I could hardly get around. I felt pretty helpless. I was taking a lot of pain medication those first few days trying to keep my pain at bay.

On Friday I was able to get a ride home which was a little rough, but I was so glad to be home.

All weekend I spent laying around and sleeping as much as possible. I did have a friend help take me grocery shopping, I am trying to remember that I have to ask for help... and I must use help.

So for now I am icing my abdomen and taking the medications as prescribed by the doctor  and taking it as slow as possible so that I can try and heal.

What I can say is this surgery was painful and my biggest hope is that after the surgery wounds heal, that I will feel like a completely different person.

Just a few more hours

Well I am trying to get to bed, I went out for a great dinner with friends and have spent most of the day relaxing.

I am still very unsure about tomorrow and what this brings but I sure hope once I get through it that I will see and feel a huge difference.

I must say a huge thank you to ll of my friends who have been supportive and have sent well wishes. The most surprising was my friend who is currently in Switzerlnd sent me a text.

Either way I will get through this because I am strong... I have made it this far, an I will continue to keep the faith moving forward, because there is a light at he end of the tunnel and I am not alone in this.

Getting ready for surgery... is not fun at all

Life lately has been so overly stressful, it is crazy. I am trying to get things together in my life at home, at work, and with myself.

Well trying to make sure your house is in order for when you get back from surgery is just plain frustrating. I spent most of Saturday running errands and picking up medications and all other forms of things needed for the house to make sure that  everything is ready when I return.

Trying to find some new furniture is also not helping at all which we are in need of since my roommate moved out so there are definitely some blank spots in the house which are just plain annoying to me right now.

Work is stressing me out, I know I have an event on November 3rd, but most of what is going on won't be going on for a few weeks either way.

So far this morning getting some laundry done, then more cleaning of the house to come this afternoon and picking up all of my prescriptions which is going to be one huge bill that I am not looking forward to at this point.

Either way I have to get through this and I can because I am strong and I have to keep telling myself that. I don't need to breakdown, even though I know that I will between now and Tuesday. Either way I can do this, it is just going to be really, really hard.

Anxiety... Wow

Due to unforscne  circumstances I ended up have two appointments today: one for my injections and installations and he other for physical therapy.

I have been in ugh pain lately that the nerve blocks hurt much worse than usual. My doctor knows of he anxiety I'm having with he surgery so I need to find some constructive ways to relax this weekend to get through it all.

I did get a few phone calls from old friends which made me miss home a lot.

One thing is that i have actually old more people about this surgery and people have been so sweet and supportive. That really means a lot, I just dont know what I would do without my friends.

So here is to getting through Friday.

Epic Fail so far this moring

We all know Monday's can be a bit of a drag, well especially after that loss the Steelers had last night, no I am not yet over it. That is ok we will get them back.

Anyhow so off to work today, this is my last week before I head in for surgery so a lot needs to get accomplished. 

As I sit here in pain I realize that I forgot to pack my pain pills, so there is my epic fail of the day so far. I can't believe I did that. So ibuprofen it is for me for the day I guess, which won't touch me at all.

Now someday's I really wish what makes me feel worse, because I haven't really been able to figure that out just yet but I really hope that this surgery helps me with the pain levels. 

I sent an email into my local news station this weekend, hoping to get them to run on health segment on IC, I will follow up with them here this week, awareness is key! 

That is all for now... back to work as I have a lot to get done.

Also my reports are back and it looks like all of my test done last week to be cleared for surgery are good to go.

2012 Proclamation Wording! | IC Awareness

2012 Proclamation Wording! | IC Awareness

Fact #7 on IC

IC affects not only the patient but also the extended family. Parents with IC worry about their ability to support their family. Children wonder why their parent cannot attend normal daily functions, like baseball games, and often mistakenly assume that a parent is dying. Tragically, some family members and friends don’t believe that IC is a real condition and/or that the patient needs support and encouragement. Research presented at AUA 2010 demonstrated that patients with a spouse who was not supportive had a poorer outcome. The ICN has some great videos that can help educate family members. Find them at: http://www.ic-network.com/videos/

Today is that BAD pain day

So I woke up this morning at 5 a.m. in horrible pain. I got up and went to the bathroom and then laid back in bed and grabbed onto my pillows.

The odd thing my pain was on my right side which is highly unusual for me. Either way it has yet to be a good morning. I took all of my medications including a full dose of pain medication this morning, after I got out of the shower I had to lay down with my heating pad before getting ready for work. Thank God I can wear sweatpants to work, so I threw on my Under Armour Gear and walked out the door, if nothing else I look stylish, in black and yellow.

So here I sit attempting to get work done, with a heating pad and my Empi unit on trying to drive my pain down. This is just the worst feeling ever. It probably does not help that my stress level has been bad lately. Trying to coordinate this surgery is just so hard, but I know that my body needs it.

Yes, I realize it is only going to fix one part of my probably but if I can get my pain to more manageable levels I feel like I can be my  normal self again.

I would give anything to feel normal again...

The highs and lows of life

Labor Day... the official end of summer. Well I spent it laying in bed and on the couch, but I will say my Thursday and Friday night activities were completely worth it. I can definitely tell that my depression takes some high and low swings lately, which I should probably talk to my doctor about.

It was amazing being able to be part of two of my dearest friends wedding on Friday night. I met some wonderful new people and saw some old friends as well. It was a great time and I made sure to live it up as much as possible. It was great to see so many happy people together celebrating two of my old roommates getting married. (Mental note to self, dancing seems like a great idea, but in the end makes my body feel so much worse) I was just so happy to share in this day and meet all of their awesome friends and family that for a little bit it helped me forget that I felt so miserable.

That is me in the middle, proof that you can look pretty darn good and feel absolutely miserable all at the same time.

That decision though I regretfully paid for all weekend as I felt miserable and could barely move, going into work on Tuesday was rough.

In the mean time I am trying to logistically put together this whole surgery process and how all of it is going to work. I must say I thank God that I have great friends who are going to help me get through all of this.

The two week countdown!

Alright well one thing I know is that I do plan events for a living, I have decided what is even harder, is planning your own surgery out of state and trying to figure out how to make it all work.

My surgery is scheduled for September 18th at 7 am, I am no where near ready for this an my anxiety is building.

• Today I am going to get clearance from my family doctor.
• Tomorrow I plan to get all of my required blood work at the hospital.
• I need to figure out the days off work and the coming back to work plan.
• I need to work on transportation there and transportation back.
• Plans while in the DC area are solid so that is the good thing at the moment.
• I need to pick up prescriptions given to me by the doctor specifically for the surgery.
• I need to make sure I have all of my normal medications as well.
• In the mean time I still have my normal doctor appointments on top of all of this.
• Call the insurance and figure out what is covered/not covered (this one scares me the most).

Anyhow needless to say I am stressed and not sure what direction is up.

Also today is my dad's birthday, so shout-out to my dad who will spend his entire day teaching 5th graders.

Well time to get some work done and try and concentrate for a little bit.

In honor of IC Month

I thought it might be interesting to share a few facts that affect my everyday life living with IC:

•  I go to the bathroom what seems like all the time.
• I have to base the clothing I wear depending on how I feel.
• I don't think anyone fully understands what it feels like to have this problem unless they have it.
• I denied for a long time that I had IC, because I had the test done and it came back negative. However, I have learned that in 10% of people with IC can take the test with negative results, apparently I really am special.
• IC and bladder problems effect more women in this country than most would think, however many women do not seek treatment.
• The multitude of problems I have... took me months to be able to talk about without crying.

If you think you have a problem, do some research, there are some great websites out there  and talk to your doctor. One thing I have learned through this process is not to be afraid to say or ask whatever you may think while you are at the doctor. 

You yourself are the best advocate for YOU! Read here for more information on IC.

September IC Awareness Month

Well while I was at the doctor's yesterday getting my nerve blocks and injections, I noticed a bunch of fliers around for IC Awareness in the month of September. Honestly I didn't know anything about IC until I was told I may have it by the doctor. I wasn't fully diagnosed until April.

I am one in 10% who was tested for IC and had a negative test, but still have IC.

For more information on IC take a look at this webpage which will provide a lot of educational information over the course of the next month.

I guess we even have a ribbon which is teal in color (the same as ovarian cancer and a few others), either way to all of the other IC diagnosed women out there, we can do this and we need to continue to spread the word and educate those around us.

Depression SUCKS

So after returning home from the DC area on Friday evening, I really felt like things were hitting me really hard and that I was honestly all alone. I know that is not necessarily the case, but it is how you feel when you are depressed.

I did run a few errands on Saturday morning that I had to do and then I came home and literally laid in bed for hours. I was able to talk to my best friend for a bit which helped me think through things a little bit. I just honestly wanted to cry every time I thought about what was going on and what I need to get prepared for.

I even asked the pharmacist when I should bring everything in to get filled. I just feel so overwhelmed from top to bottom at this point and I almost feel like I don't know which way is up.

Last night I made myself leave the house and go to dinner, but I went alone and if nothing else had a great meal before coming home to watch TV and try and calm myself down without crying again.

Today was a little bit of the same. I went to church and then hit up the movie theater to see Batman, which was awesome, I wish I would have seen it earlier.

So a lot to get done this week and figured out at work, I don't even know where to start that and I think that is a huge point of anxiety for me right now.

So my biggest thought this weekend is how much depression sucks. I know I am taking medications to help, but I can say that I know for sure what I am experiencing is not helping to get me out of this hole I have fallen into. I can only hope that as my pain gets better and my quality of life gets better, so will this.

Always remember the people you see out may look normal but you never know what may be going on with them, so be kind.

Anyhow time to try and get some rest.

Tentative Surgery Date...

I went to DC to see the nerve specialist on Friday, I knew that I was going down to get a consultation for surgery, but the whole thing ht me a lot harder than I anticipated.

I have never in my life had two surgeries in one year, these are placed six months apart. So I am getting ready to figure out how to transplant my life for a little bit. I have to take two weeks off of work, which I don't have to take off due to all of the medical issues this year.

So the surgeon is talking about a 2 1/2 hour surgery that will be removing/displacing three of my nerves in my pelvis, this will take away the pain once I am healed, but will involve quite a bit of pain during recovery. These are sensory nerves so they can be taken out without effecting movement in my leg.

The doctor is unsure if I will need another surgery at this point to hep with other nerves but it is possible.

So I will be staying down in DC for about a week once I have the surgery incase I have any complications. Either way this is not exactly what I thought I would be, all I can do is hope that it allows me to lead a more normal life than I currently am.

I had a good bit of an anxiety attack after leaving the doctors and on the drive home last night. Today hasn't been much better, but I am just trying to make it.

So as of right now September 18th is the date.

My one year anniversary

Wow, that sure feels like a sad thing to say. I have extremely mixed feelings on saying it is my one year anniversary of feeling miserable this month. My symptoms started in early August 2011 and just continued to get worse as the days went on. (Let me just explain to anyone this is not how you want to live your life or spend the rest of your summer).

So it makes me reflect back on the past year which has been quite the roller coaster of a journey:

• I have been to so many doctors and doctors appointments I lost count.
• The amount of money I have spent going to the doctors and on medications literally makes me sick.
• When my pain gets to a certain level that also makes me sick.
• I have had one diagnostic surgery which just put me in more pain, which happened in March. The good thing, I know my reproductive system is good.
• I also cannot remember the actual list of medications that I am on, thank God for a good Pharmacists. 
• I have had to do some travel and labor intensive work, that is the nature of my job. I cannot fathom how truly strong my body is some days to make it through these events. It is almost scary to realize the level of pain that I am in that my body somehow functions with. 
• There has been a lot of reflecting on my part, about who I am and what I want. Also the people that I can truly call friends and who were there for me when I needed it.  It is so hard being out on your own and not having a significant other. I am very blessed to have some good friends who have been there for me. I wish some days my family and best friend were not so far away, but sometimes life just takes you different directions.
• This should not come as a shock to those who have known me for a long time but I have a very hard time opening up about my feelings. It took me months to start telling people I was having problems. After my diagnosis in April, I couldn't talk about it without crying like a baby... I am finally getting better about that. Although I find it interesting some people I seem to have no issue saying what my issue is to and others I do. 
• I have shed more tears this year than I can ever remember. My hormones hate me, my body hates me and well the medicine is a whole other story.
• The medications that I can't keep straight I have to keep in an a.m./p.m. pill case. Definitely not where I thought I would be when I hit 30 years old.
• I thank God for finding the right doctor who is working to get me better along with his team.
• I think I am finally turning a corner where I can fathom the thought of allowing a person close to me, physically and mentally. Eventually I will get there and maybe someday I will meet the right guy, but for now I am still just trying to focus on getting better.

I can only imagine now that there are other women out there going through these problems and have no idea where to turn, I guess all I can say to that is don't give up.

One doctor early on in this journey, looked at me and said what do you think is wrong with your body? I told him my thoughts and he said you seem to know your body pretty well and I would say what you think is right, because you do not belong in my office. So if nothing else I have found some doctors that seem to listen pretty well.

This is not really an anniversary to celebrate, because well just like how I feel right now it is painful, but I am going to keep pushing through until I get to where I need to be. Right now I am where I need to be and getting my proper treatment. Tomorrow brings another appointment with a nerve specialist, which should set me up for a surgical procedure, hopefully sooner than later and put me on the path to wellness.

Another photo I found that sums up many of my thoughts, not sure of it's origin but it was floating around on Facebook and I find the words to be so very true. 

Sometimes a photo says 1000 words

I ran across this last week on Facebook (not sure the original source) and I feel like it truly sums up how I feel the majority of the time.

Sometimes as strong as you try to be, you need someone to be there for you.... even when you tell them no.

I will say when all of this first got started with my I withdrew from a lot of things especially socially. I was in no romantic relationship, but my friendships have suffered greatly. I do however know who my true friends are after all of this.

So just remember if you are reading this, you are not alone there are people who are there for you, you just need to open your eyes and realize who they are.

More Travel

The past few weeks have been crazy and unfortunately I have not had a chance to blog much. I will say my body does not take travel as well as it use to that is for sure.

I got back from Florida on August 8th, had my normal doctor appointments on the 13th and 15th and then headed to New Orleans for a conference on the 16th.

I have always pushed myself too much and I know that I do it, but I really enjoy having fun and meeting new people. So I have to say this past weekend was an absolute blast, but my body needs some serious recovery time.

On Saturday I hit a very high pain day, so bad it was going almost the whole way down my leg which was just miserable, it literally made me sick.  The only saving grace I had was the fact that I had my portable Empi Unit with me to help relieve some of the pain, now the bigger issue is getting my insurace to keep paying for that because right now they are only giving me 2 months with it.

I don't want to get started on health care and insurance becuase I am lucky to have coverage but when you have a serious problem that will not go away and they have the ability to completely limit the type of care that you can get is just so disheartening and honestly just adds to the depression (not to mention the amount of money I am paying). I mean what do I do when I don't have coverage for physical therapy any more or I can't keep my unit to help me control my pain? Thinking about it makes me want to cry so I try not to, but at some point I fully have to address this... I don't know when I have the time.

Did I mention I really just want to be a normal 30 year old... whatever that is exactly.

Two weeks of craziness

On July 30th I headed to Ft. Lauderdale for our annual convention. You know what seems impossible? Running a 5 day event when you can hardly make it through 5 days of work.

So my plan was extra help to do my legwork, medicine, tens unit and the hot tub for heat. I used most of these modalities daily and told a few people they had to remind me to do my exercises daily, or I was to be yelled at.

Now what might have been harder when I was struggling after the long hours was explaining to the coaches who asked what was wrong with me. It always seems to be a fairly awkward conversation to have.

Either way it was a long week, with very little sleep but I made it through the week, with a lot of help. I admit that I completely crashed for the next few days, in fact it is Thursday and we ended Sunday and I still dont't feel like I am where I should be.

In fact all I want to do is sleep. I have had my moments of swinging emotions over the past few weeks, they vary quite easily it seems.

Now if only the pain would subside a little so I can attempt to get things done in my own life.

I did go see my family in Orlando for a day but I admit I was miserable and didn't want to do anything, so I am sure they were thrilled but also realized that this is serious and sait isn't changing that quickly.

Oh yeah did I mention that I haven't been to the doctors in two full weeks, which is strange since that is all I have done since the last week of March.

Need to let it out

I am not fully sure what the issue is tonight, but I am super emotional. Now I am watching the 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremonies which London so far has done a great job with.

But personally I just want to sit here and cry. I think part of it is my depression, part of it is just being completely overwhelmed and having an exhausting week. Then knowing that next week is going to be exactly the same if not worse.

I know I am slowly getting better but I truly just don't feel that I am better. My goal tomorrow is to get up and at minimum hopefully it will be kind of nice out and I can go for a walk. I need to get a lot of laundry done and get my bags packed for my trip to Florida next week.

I have come up with a treatment plan for myself for next week so here is to hoping I can cope with things ok. I feel nervous that I will be going three weeks without seeing my physical therapist and my doctor for treatments.

I had to call the pharmacy today and make sure there were not any issues to get my prescriptions so I have them all to take with me. Just too many extra things to think of taking other than just packing my clothes. The fact that I have to continue to live like this scares me, I am not use to it.

After going to my friends wedding last weekend that was rough enough in travel, but I enjoyed every moment of being at the wedding and spending time with friends.

Well that is enough of my ranting for now, I need to get through this in my head... somehow.

Tuesday, Tuesday...

Well inevitably it is Tuesday and really right now I feel so overwhelmed I want to cry. Which probably means when I go to the doctor tomorrow I will cry. Not necessarily because I am going to get at least 20 shots with gigantic needles, but because I am stressed and I need an outlet.

So my normal outlets:

• working out - can't do
• drinking - not suppose to do (and it makes me feel horrible)
• hanging out with friends - everyone is working
• sleep - well we all know how horrible I am at that

The sad thing is that it is only Tuesday, I still have so much more to get done tomorrow, which is crazy. This week is well turning into a mess already. I am trying to keep some control but I feel I don't have it.

My emotions are a mess (especially after a phone call I just had), we don't need to get into my trust issues with men at this point. All I want is to feel normal and not feel sick, tired, alone and in pain all the time.

Hopefully one night this week I can take some time to hang out with friends and go to a movie if nothing else, then on Saturday I have a wedding, which will be fun.

So basically my anxiety is at an all time high and I fear it may only get worse as the week goes on.... awesome.

Weekend Adventures

Well this weekend I had the pleasure to travel back home for a friends wedding which was great. The travel part was not so great though. A six hour car trip is not exactly something my body does so well with anymore.

I got up early on Friday and was out of the house with my car packed by 8 am, I stopped at my best friends after driving for 5 hours for lunch and then continued my journey north to visit my brother and go to dinner. By the time I made it to my final landing spot for the night I literally could not move. The good news is I slept like a baby that night and got to sleep in on Saturday.

Saturday I met another friend for lunch and then went back to get ready for the wedding which was at 4:30pm, followed by the reception, which went well until 11 p.m. Well by the end of the night my body was feeling it pretty good and I needed to go lay down. Which I couldn't sleep at all and I just felt miserable, which made the ride home Sunday not ok.

I left Erie at 10 am, drove to Hermitage visited with my family and then left there at 2 pm and didn't get home until 7:30 pm.

Needless to say when I got home I did absolutely nothing.

So today I still feel like I am trying to recover but I just hope I do ok next week in Florida.

Being Spontaneous

So I had a great Friday evening with my roommate where we went to dinner, did some shopping and had a few drinks. We were just sitting around having some girl talk, when I told her one of things that I feel she did not get to know about me is the fact that I really am an outgoing person who enjoys being around people and doing spontaneous things on a regular basis, of course most of this has been caused by the pain I am in.

So for someone who has known me for a year, she said she can tell when I am not doing well and that it doesn't seem to fit the descriptions and the stories I have told her about my travels and other random things. So yes, all I can say about this is that it is a long process.

So I decided to do something spontaneous on Saturday and meet a group of old friends at the beach in New Jersey, it turned into quite the adventure but I am glad that I did it.

Now the real test will begin as I have a 6 hour car ride ahead of me on Friday to head back home for a friends wedding. I am two weeks away from planning our National Convention and well life just does not stop.

So either way I am doing what I can to try and keep myself at a normal level and feeling as good as possible. Putting a plan in place for our convention may be a chore. My physical therapist is great (even though I usually tell her I don't like her very much) she is trying some new things with me to try and help me with what is going on with my body. Seriously if nothing else it is amazing what our bodies can do and the memories that our muscles retain.

So for right now it is time to plan... which also means I had to pick up another weekly day/night pill case for my travels to the convention in two weeks.

Oh yeah... I forgot it is Tuesday, guess who has to go pick up more of her meds... this girl! :(

Don't go back to ground zero

So I had a fairly lengthy talk with my doctor about trying to retrain myself to know that even though I don't always feel like it that I am getting better. There are parts of me that do not hurt as bad as they use to, but then there are moments where I still think someone is stabbing me through the abdomen.

So on goes trying to figure out ways to de-stress my life and try and keep things under control. So here is to trying to figure out my body, which you would think that after 30 years I would have figured out until this happened.

We also discussed how many women who have similar problems are often told that their pain is "all in their head," even though it is a very real pain. When you feel like this, that is your biggest fear.

Part of me wishes that this is something that could be cured quickly, but that is one thing that won't happen. Right now I am at the point where I was officially diagnosed back in April, so almost through month three and I feel a little different but not much.

I am trying to get my body to move more, walk more, and try and build up some of the muscle that I have lost from being a couch potato for the past eleven months.

So here is to trying to make strides forward and keep things moving in the right direction.

Pain, misery, OMG!

Some days you can push through the pain. As an athlete growing up I was always taught to be tough and get through it. I can't tell you how many times I did something I probably should not have done because I decided that "my mind was stronger and could overcome the pain." Those endorphins I tell you what can really do wonders to your body when you really want something. (One of these days I will look into this more and find some actual studies on it, however my doctor and I have talked pretty extensively on it).

Fast forward to 2012, I haven't played competitive sports in over 12 years. I opted not to play in college and called my athletic career quits after my senior year of high school softball, I was injured enough at that point. So now I can push through some things to get through the day, when say I don't feel really well or I didn't get enough sleep due to working a lot of hours at an event... and well you do it.

So now my body just doesn't do it at all. For instance this morning I barely made it out of bed after a pretty good nights sleep. I was sitting here at my desk and got a horrible bout of pains that were literally debilitating and yes I started to cry they hurt so bad. I pulled out my heating pad, took a full pain pill and ultimately laid on the floor for 10 minutes to try and calm my body down.

The good news is I have physical therapy tonight so she can atleast try and help me get calmed down a bit, I also head to the doctor on Wednesday, so it may be time to have a talk with him on pain management again on Wednesday. So that may make my appointments more frequent.

Either way I just want to not feel like this as much as I do.

Update on the end of the day, I went to phsyical therapy and my therapist was "nice" to me today and I am pretty sure I feel worse. So tonight is definitely an early evening to bed!

Making it another week

This week was strange and I am still working to find out whether or not I have a bladder infection, but I am taking the meds that the doctor gave to me and trying to get my rest.

So I noticed yesterday while in the shower that I have some fairly big bruises in odd places in my body. I am pretty sure they are from the Pudendal Nerve blocks that I have been getting. I do get these every two times a week. I guess that is something else to talk to the doctor about again this week.

My goal is to start walking atleast once a day, my body needs to do some type of activity and although it hurts I need to do it.  So I managed to take a 30 minute walk today and of course now I need to go through a lot of stretching to try and make myself feel better.

I have some books that the doctor recommended that I read on the conditions that I have and in all honesty I cannot bring myself to purchase them and begin reading. I had a hard enough time getting through the pamphlets they gave me in the beginning of all of this.

Right now in the back of my mind all I can think of is if I am even going to fully make it through my next event. I couldn't function after a 6 hour trip to Philly. So I guess to some point I need to begin pushing myself a little so that I can see what my body will do.

I am officially in month eleven of this process, of course for most of it I had no diagnosis so I just felt miserable all of the time and wasn't sure why.

The good news I slept a little better the past two days, which was good. Hopefully that continues.

So it is all about trying to figure all of this out, I wish it was easier.

How do you know...

So I have been feeling even more out of sorts lately than I usually do and I am not fully sure what to attribute that to just yet...but I have a small inkling of an idea.

But I called into the doctor and told them I think I may actually have a bladder infection or form of UTI, but it is really hard to tell when you have IC  (at least I am finding it hard to tell, because you always have horrible pain and you go to the bathroom a lot!). For those of you who don't know what IC is it is Interstitial Cystitis and you can find more information on it here.

Anyhow that means another prescription for preventative measures I guess, so another trip to the pharmacy tonight.

I would love to just not be in pain and get a good nights sleep here at some point, sometimes it is the little things.

Girls weekend

This past weekend my best friend came out to spend some much needed time with me, it was long overdue and a lot of fun...but now with fun ones lots of pain. I received my shots on Wednesday which did help a little, the bad news is now I have pain in other areas I can feel as the major pain on my left side is starting to get under control.

The doctor has discussed with me that I am likely a very good candidate for a surgery on some of the nerves in my pelvic area. This is something we will discuss more in the future.

Friday we took the train into Philly and did some site seeing, which isn't something I have had done much of in the past. There was a lot of walking once we got into the city, it was so hot, but we had a blast. We did cut our trip a few hours short because it was hot and we were exhausted.

We stayed up late and went to dinner, which was great. Saturday I woke up in a lot of pain, I think between the heat and my usual lack of sleep and the pain it made my physically ill. I ended up throwing up which I never do. So the girls and I ran some errands then ended up calling it an evening in, which was not what I had wanted but my body said otherwise.

So it is Sunday,I still feel horrible, but I did make it to a baby shower for a few hours and then back to my house for a lot of laying around. I really just want o feel normal. I really have to thank my best friend for coming out to stay with me for a few days and helping me out when I hit my pain wall. Now to try and get some sleep.

My weekend

Well I managed to get some running around done on Saturday along with cleaning the house, still a few more finishing touches before my best friend comes to visit. I have to say cleaning beats me up I am still hurting today from Saturday. Sunday I was able to go to a close friends bridal shower, I had a great time catching up and meeting new people.

I then came home and went to the Celtic Fling, I love the sound of bagpipes, it makes me miss the 'Boro. I spent some time walking which is good for me to do, but it does hurt. So just trying to prepare for another week. I prepared my breakfast and lunches for the week.

Wednesday I have my treatments and Thursday my best friend is coming, I am so excited to spend time with her. I need some one on one time and hopefully it will do my spirit and body some good. Last week I did not have my treatments so things were kind of rough. Physical therapy is moving to once a week, to prolong the time I can keep it up. I will say I completely dislike my "homework" from my therapist. Although she does inflict some pain on me, I really do like her, she is very good at what she does.

Also, I went to take my pm meds tonight... Apparently I took them by accident this morning because my am pills were still there, which may explain how tired I was today, even for a Monday. Anyhow off to bed for me.

Thursdays = My Breaking Point

Ok, so I have finally decided Thursday's are my breaking point. Today my alarm went off, I decided it was Saturday or Sunday I was not sure which and I decided I did not get out of bed.

The bigger problem, it is Thursday and I need to be at work.

Last week all I wanted to do was cry all day, today I feel the exact same way. I am just hoping I make it through the day without having a total meltdown about everything around me.

I am not sure how to fix this... well at least fully. My plate is pretty full at work and I have PT tonight then a late night conference call so all of that is not helping. The good news, tomorrow is Friday and I get to see some friends this weekend.

Who knows maybe I need to go see a counselor... not that I need another appointment in my life. All I can say is my two personal days need to get here ASAP, which is next Thursday and Friday. I can only hope that helps me get through July and August.

So hopefully writing this down now helps... obviously I do have some bigger problems that are playing into all of this. I just want all of this to end and to feel "normal" again, which I honestly don't think will ever happen.

Seriously, summertime is suppose to be my off season. AHHH!!!!

Rituals

Well life has become so scheduled for me lately that it just plain blows. Monday's mean physical therapy, Tueday's mean refilling the weekly am/pm pill box, Wednesday's the specialist, Thursday's more physical therapy and by Friday I want to do nothing but sleep. I mean I'm 30 and I have to have a pill box to remind me what meds to take and when...I hate it.

Personal Days are MUCH needed!

So this week has been a roller coaster of sorts, between work and the doctors I have been a mess. I got somewhere around 18 injections on Wednesday when I went to the doctors, yes they hurt like hell, but I got through them. I didn't sleep well that night and Thursday I just woke up feeling miserable. My first thought I should call off of work, it is going to be that day. Well my intuition was right... I felt miserable all day and felt like the world was caving in on me.

Now you have to realize that is what depression truly feels like... the world as you know is caving in on you. All I wanted to do was cry. I felt a little better after physical therapy and making a yummy pizza for dinner but I really had to calm myself down. I must say I have never cried this much before in my life, for such an extended period of time. It is month 10 of this journey, and it wasn't until around month 8 I was actually diagnosed with severe depression. Gee go figure... I was depressed I told my doctor I was, but I guess I didn't realize how bad it had really gotten.

It didn't really hit me until I read the review of my appointment that my doctor had sent back to me, I think it was around six pages. Then right there in plain sight it said the patient is clinically depressed... awesome I am 30 years old and that is the first time I have ever actually gotten a diagnosis for depression, let alone put on medication. Obviously this explains the huge change in my behavior this past year and the many changes my social life has taken because of it.

Severe chronic pain does bad things to a person... which is not something I would wish on my worst enemy (obviously I would chose quick and painful for them).

Anyhow it is finally Friday and I am looking forward to trying to get some retail therapy in this weekend along with getting some of my personal life together, like cleaning my room and doing my laundry.

Also my personal days off cannot come fast enough... I need a mental break from everything!

Appointments... Appointments

Well I must say I really did enjoy the last week of May with no doctors appointments. So I am now back to my weekly routine of PT twice a week and the specialist once a week. It is emotionally draining. Monday PT, Tuesday refill pill box for the week, Wednesday treatments at the specialist, Thursday PT. In all honesty that is my week.

I know my appointments are necessary and that they are needed, but they do just give me a very overwhelmed feeling when trying to "have a life."

Now last week was my first series of nerve block injections. I will not lie they hurt like hell and made me tear up but I got through them. They did provide some relief which was a first in quite some time, so I go in again tomorrow for more. I need to tell the doctor very pecifically how I feel and where my pain is.

Well, here is to hoping for a much needed good nights sleep.

Whirlwind

One thing I have not done much of since I have been having problems and especially since my surgery in March is traveling. On Thursday I had the great opportunity to head up to New York City for the Beat the Streets Event and Gala. It was last minute and I was rushed, but it is always something I have wanted to attend. Seeing wrestling on such a big level (in the middle of Times Sqaure is awesome). It was great to see friends and be in the city, it amazes me sometimes how much I really do enjoy being in a big city and the fast paced life it brings. I was able to meet some great new people which is always a bonus.

Well I got home very late 3:30 am and then came into work late on Friday. I felt my body was not having any of this on Friday. Lack of sleep and that stress on my body definitely put me into the "danger zone" of pain. I did make it to a friends cookout to celebrate his birthday Friday night but had to excuse myself early because of how I felt. It is amazing how the pain can just go from my "normal" to I can't handle it at all, in just a short amount of time.

It quite honestly drives me mad.

It made for quite the long weekend in terms of trying to balance my life and getting together with others while I just didn't feel up to it. I tried to sleep as much as possible, take my medications and rest. There is only so much one can do though.  I also left around 7 pm from hanging out with friends yesterday because my pain was getting so bad. I managed to go home and relax on the couch to try and get myself tamed down before heading to bed. The good news, I did get some of my crocheting project done.

Today I head to the physical therapist (which my appointment schedule has not been normal the past few weeks). Hopefully this will help me get some relief, until I see the doctor on Wednesday.

Now where to?

My biggest fear was being told I was imagining my pain and misery. Literally this is all I could think about after my surgery. As I laid on the couch for two weeks.

 Luckily my OBGYN who was great through this whole process consulted with others and gave me three specialist to look up. After some research I settled on a doctor, who is two hours away, but what they described their practice as felt like it pertained to me. So I filled out a 28 page medical history and had my records release to him, a week later I had an appointment. Needless to say I did not in ny way know what to expect next. I had an 8 am appointment and I left that office around 1 pm.

The ultimate mental/emotional/physical overload had just hit me like a wall. (I will go into some of this in more detail in the future). What I did know leaving that day is that I have multiple diagnoses and they are all over the board (by multiple I mean we are up to two-hand type of counting and higher). Also there is some correlation to my years of sports injuries that have mainly occured on my left side. It is hard to explain how I felt leaving that day after setting up my next appointment, I just wanted to sit in the corner and cry. I felt overwhelmed and alone. I went to lunch after that because I was starving and I did everything in my power to hold back the tears as I continued to digest what I was just told/shown and how all I could think of is I am going to have this problem for the rest of my life.

I am not sure how in depth I will go on my multiple diagnoses in this blog as some of them are extremely personal, but they are important and play a large part to my over all well being right now.

 I did call a few friends on the way back but I hadn't really taken it all in. The appointment was separated into parts: medical history, family history, anatomy lesson, talk of my recent surgery, test, lots of statistics, reading how I responded and acted, etc... So I left with a large packet of reading materials and a stack of prescriptions I had to start... My first thought, I need am/pm pill box.

 I mean I know I just turned 30 but really?

Not sure where it all began

The only thing I can pinpoint is the end of July 2011 I started to feel not normal, but I was traveling and life was busy so I shoved it to the side. It got worse in the beginning of August and I started to notice some differences while I was in Florida for work, but I attributed that to long hours, stress and little to no sleep.

I came home and gave myself a week to "re-coup" and I only got worse. So I went to the doctor with what I thought was a UTI. I was treated for it because of the symptoms, but then they only got worse. Next comes more doctors’ appointments, a CAT Scan and numerous other test. All to find absolutely nothing. So bring on the medications. My next suspicion was my endometriosis, who knows it could be back after all... since it is one of the things that you just refer to as a "PITA."

So months of just trying to get by and dealing with lots of pain and other tests... just left me feeling absolutely miserable.

So after a series of test and more doctors’ visits we come to the conclusion that they will do a diagnostic laporscopy on me to see what is going on with my endo and my insides that hurt so much. We finally got this scheduled for March 29th. There was also talk of removing an ovary (which has a very long technical name). So I had mentally prepared myself for coming out of the surgery minus a few tiny body parts, or some other type of diagnosis and what that may mean for my future. However, much to my dismay after coming out of surgery I was told they found NOTHING... I wanted them to find EVERYTHING so I could get on with my life.

The next two weeks were the longest, worst and most alone I have ever felt in my life. My pain was worse and by worse I mean I could not move worse. I was alone the majority of the time. I did have a few very nice friends who brought me over some food, but I lived on my couch because climbing the stairs scared me for multiple reasons: 1. they hurt like hell to move, 2. I was afraid of falling and no one being there, 3. they were just daunting.

So after two emergency trips to the doctor’s office that week (I also now know why they tell you no driving after surgery... those trips were kind of well probably comparable to driving under the influence because I was not in my normal state of mind), then finally heading to my follow-up the only true conclusion we had was that the surgery aggravated whatever was really wrong making me worse.  Went I went in for my follow up after the surgery, the doctor said I am not going to even bother to examine you, because I know it will make you cry and put you into more pain. Thank God she understood a little even though she could not figure out the problem.

So then it was on to find a specialist that works with a pain we can’t seem to find but is very obviously there.

I should add, by now it is mid April 2012.

Hi my name is Tammy, I am 30 years old and...

I have officially been diagnosed with numerous problems, which are easier explained by saying that I have severe chronic pelvic pain.

Yes on the outside I look normal, but the internal fight that my body started with itself in August 2011 is taking a very heavy toll on me as a person.

I have become less outgoing and more introverted over the past year which is not me at all. I have distanced myself from many who were close to me and I am still trying to figure this all out for myself. So this blog will be my journey through this pain and will hopefully help me to open up about my diagnosis and allow me to break through the dark cloud that has taken over me.

In going through this process I have found it extremely difficult to talk to people about it, because I feel that no one can truly understand the emotions going on inside of me and the immense pain that I deal with on a daily basis. I have also felt extremely alone... nothing I can do or change to make that better at this point.

So, as I continue to go through the process of appointments and all other treatments that my doctors feel are necessary I will share what I can and hopefully be able to straighten this out and at some point feel "normal" again... whatever "normal" really is.